This is the second of a three-part series on love, sex, and marriage.

What is “Sex”?

Sigmund Freud had a very broad definition of sex, which included even the desire to touch or be touched, whereas Bill Clinton had a very restrictive definition of sex, which did not include cigars or stained clothing, which demonstrates that even two sex-obsessed people can have diametrically opposing views as to what is and what isn’t sex.

Plants Just Want to Have Fun

Sex is perfectly natural. All plants and animals engage in sex, although sex for a plant is more like artificial insemination, with a bee serving as the surrogate pollen donor, so it’s not nearly as much fun as animal sex.

No one can imagine his or her parents having sex. But if our parents had never had sex, then I wouldn’t be writing this column about sex right now, and you wouldn’t be reading it. So we see that sex is self-perpetuating.

My parents had sex and now I’m writing about it, even though anybody in his right mind would rather have sex than write about it.

Man Gets His Mojo

After Adam and Eve had been in the Garden of Eden for a couple of weeks, God asked Eve how things were going.

“Not so well,” sighed Eve. “Adam doesn’t pay much attention to me. All he thinks about is how much he would like to have one of those apples from the forbidden apple tree. At the rate we’re going, we’ll never get the human race off the ground.”

“Not to worry,” God told Eve. “Just encourage Adam to eat one of those apples, and from that day forward, Adam will think of nothing but sex, and your descendants will be as numerous as the stars in Beverly Hills.”

Of course, Adam ate the apple, and the rest is history.

Orgasm

Orgasm is not the end-all to a relationship, although without it, we probably wouldn’t have 2 billion Chinese today.

Some women fake orgasms. This is a mistake and should be avoided.

Faking anything in life always leads to undesirable consequences. Faking your death, for instance, may earn you a large sum of insurance money, but in the end, you run the risk of being buried.

If you feel compelled to fake an orgasm, keep it low-key and believable. This is not your audition for an Academy Award, or even a tryout for the school play.

Don’t try to fool your partner by screaming hysterically. This will wake up your pit bull, who may jump up and take a chunk out of somebody’s ass.

Some women can easily achieve orgasm. We refer to these women as “orgasmic” (or-gaz’-mik), which is not to be confused with women who are “orgasmic” (or-gas’-mik), having uncontrollable flatulence during sex.

Sex for Dummies

For the novice, there are hundreds of helpful “how-to” books about sex, with step-by-step instructions, accompanied by lots of photos. These sex manuals vary in quality, although the ones with me in the photos are generally good.

Dirty Minds

The most important sexual organ in the human body is the brain. In other words, we all have dirty minds, so we might as well put them to good use.

Talk frankly to your spouse about what pleases you and what gives you the heebie-jeebies. Don’t be afraid to suggest to your partner that you try something new or different, even though your partner will accuse you of being a pervert.

Again, the key ingredient in any sexual relationship is communication. Talk to your mate. Talking dirty can be especially effective, so learn some dirty words, such as “shower scum,” “toxic mold,” “food fungus,” and “floor underneath your refrigerator.”

Quantity vs. Quality

Quality is always better than quantity, but when your annual quantity drops below double digits, some changes in quality control may be in order.

Erroneous Erogenous Zones

Occasionally, Cosmopolitan magazine will claim on its cover to have “discovered” a new erogenous zone, with a title like “His Hidden Hotspots — Including the V-Zone, a Lusty Locale We’ve Only Just Discovered.” So you buy the magazine, only to find out that the “V-Zone” refers to the space between his two little toes, which can be stimulated by playing “This Little Piggy.”

Let this be your lesson: The last erogenous zone was discovered more than 200 years ago, and the chance of discovering a new one is as remote as Sarah Palin discovering her brain. If you think you’ve, in fact, discovered a new erogenous zone, mark it on your GPS and report to the mental health clinic nearest you.

Sex Therapy

Couples with sexual issues may elect to go into “sex therapy” to save their relationship. Sex therapy is difficult for many couples who are embarrassed by talking openly about their sex lives with someone else and are uncomfortable with a complete stranger watching them have sex, especially when he’s sitting by the bed, chuckling, while taking notes on a clipboard.

Do-It-Yourselfers

It was once widely believed that “going solo” would make your face break out or make you go insane. We know now that these fears were totally unfounded and that the worst that can happen to you is that you go blind, which still makes it the safest form of sex, considering that sex with another person could kill you.

Makeup Sex

Many couples claim that this is the best sex of all, even though many men are still uncomfortable wearing eye shadow.

Orgasmic Foods

Throughout human history, people have attributed aphrodisiacal qualities to certain foods, such as asparagus, oysters, carrots, chocolate, and bananas. Three courses of steamed asparagus were really supposed to get you off.

Although there is no scientific proof of the effectiveness of any of these claims, they certainly won’t be detrimental to your sexual performance, as long as they are consumed prior to and not during sex. Even Bugs Bunny would know better than to eat a carrot in bed. The same can be said of slurping raw oysters in the boudoir.

So avoid bringing any food into the bedroom that involves loud crunching or slurping, which could be a real turnoff for your partner.