This is the fourth installment of a three-part series on love, sex, and marriage.

“Living Together”

Adam and Eve were not married. Likewise, Tarzan never had a piece of paper that said Jane was his mate, but under the law of the jungle, they were considered You Tarzan and Me Jane.

Secrets to a Long
and Happy Marriage

There are many good reasons, once you’re married, to stay married. For one thing, your parents aren’t going to pay for another wedding.

It’s best to have realistic expectations going into a marriage. Don’t expect to have sex as often as you did before you were married, or even more often than your parish priest.

It’s important to keep your relationship fresh and exciting. This can be a challenge if you’ve been married to the same person for a long time, especially if the mere mention of your spouse’s name makes your skin crawl.

But a good marriage doesn’t just happen — it’s something you have to consciously work on. Fortunately, there are many useful tools that can be utilized to keep the spark in your marriage, and many come with batteries included.

One good idea is to schedule a “date night” once a week. If you’re really not getting along, schedule two date nights each week — one for you and one for him.

Fantasy Wife Swap

Fantasy can play an important role in the sex life of a married couple. Fantasizing about things that you would never act upon is perfectly OK, as long as both of you can reach an agreement as to who each of you will fantasize about:

1. Husband: How would you like to have sex with Johnny Depp tonight, honey?
   

2. Wife: Oh, that was yesterday. I think I would rather have sex with Brad Pitt tonight.
   

3. Husband: OK, then I’ll have sex with Angelina Jolie.
   

4. Wife: Oh, no! I couldn’t stand it if you had sex with her. I’ve never forgiven her for luring Brad away from Jennifer Anniston.
   

5. Husband: OK, how about I have sex with Jennifer Anniston and you have sex with Brad Pitt?
   

6. Wife: Deal!
   

Learning How to Fight Fair

No matter how much you love each other, from time to time, you’re going to have issues and disagreements that need to be aired out, which makes it important for a married couple to learn how to “fight fair.”

Here are a few simple rules to follow:

1. •Watch your language. Avoid the use of sarcasm, satire, allegory, or hyperbole any more than you have to. Above all, don’t yell. If you are unable to speak without yelling, use pantomime to get your point across.
   

2. •Stay on the subject. If the fight is about a mother-in-law, don’t bring up your spouse’s felony convictions or heroin use.
   

3. •Avoid taking a legally untenable position. Always keep an attorney on speed dial to avoid taking a stand that might be contrary to your legal interests.
   

4. •Take a “time out.” If your argument becomes too combative, or you need time to rethink your strategy, or if you merely want to disrupt your spouse’s momentum, take a “time out” from your argument. Make wise use of your time outs. When called at a crucial point, a time out can mean the difference between winning or losing an argument.
   

5. •Follow every argument with makeup sex.
   

Same-sex Marriages

Same-sex marriages have become more and more popular in the 2000s.

Same-sex weddings are, generally speaking, less expensive than heterosexual weddings, largely because most major religions don’t recognize same-sex marriages, so a big church wedding is out. (Many relatives would probably not come, anyway.)

Also, if you get married on the very day that same-sex weddings are legalized in your state, you won’t have to pay for a photographer, because your wedding will be filmed by the evening news.

Common-law Marriage

Louisiana, unlike other states, does not recognize common-law marriage. This is because Louisiana law is based on the Napoleonic Code, which was promulgated by the great French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte.

It was not until World War II that Allied intelligence was finally able to break the Napoleonic Code, which read in part, “No one shall appear to be taller than the emperor.” (Why Napoleon chose to draft his famous compilation of French law in the form of a code remains a mystery.)