Mental Vacation

2011: The Year in Review, Part II

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 18:22:39 -0600

July
A recurring theme for the second half of the year is the federal debt, which at its present pace will exceed the $999 trillion mark by the year 2211. The good news is that mathematicians have plenty of time before then to come up with a number higher than a trillion.
In the ’60s (the 1960s, not the 1860s), the late Senator Everett Dirksen, when speaking about the federal budget, was fond of saying “A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking about real money.” At the time, everyone thought this was quite funny and laughed, because the senator was in the late stages of dementia.
Little did they know that one day the government would have to throw away trillions of dollars before it amounted to real money. I often wonder if anyone would notice an item in the federal budget for $1 billion for The Winnebago Research Project — the study of whether one man could stretch a dollar thinly enough to live the rest of his life on a measly $1 billion.
But that’s enough about July. Let’s move on to August.

August
Fierce fighting grips the Libyan capital of Tripoli, as rebel forces continue to make gains against forces loyal to the ruthless dictator and fashion icon Moammar Gadhafi. Speaking from an undisclosed sewer manhole, Gadhafi exhorts his supporters to fight on. Excuse me, Mr. President. I overslept, so I just came in my pajamas.“Don’t leave Tripoli for the dogs of the fashion industry. In the name of Oscar de la Renta and Liberace, fight on!”
Rick Perry, the governor of Texas, leads other presidential candidates briefly in the polls until it is discovered that he is, in reality, a baboon in a smart-fitting business suit, genetically engineered to appear human.
Do I like funny hats? Why do you ask?Fears of another recession rise, worries about the European financial system intensify, the stock market plummets, and the U.S. government’s debt rating is downgraded from AAA (pronounced “Ahhh”) to AA (Above Average). Now the bad news: LSU’s dreams of another national football championship are dashed when its starting quarterback is arrested and suspended from the team after a bar fight.
But there is some good news on the economic front. With scant time to spare, Republicans and Democrats hammer out a last-minute compromise on the federal debt limit, saving the U.S. economy from almost certain catastrophe for at least two more weeks. The complicated eleventh-hour deal calls for President Barack Obama to negotiate with China to refinance the White House, the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument, and Lady Gaga for $15 trillion at a variable interest rate tied to U.S. prime.

September
If you ate a cantaloupe in September and suddenly became ill and died, you were not alone, because some cantaloupes were tainted with the deadly listeria bacteria. But federal health officials reassure the American public that the large majority of cantaloupes that don’t cause illness or death are perfectly safe.
Speaking of objects that can cause injury or death, in September, Americans in the northwestern part of the United States brace themselves for the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, a dead, 6-ton satellite spiraling out of control like the deficit of a modern industrialized country. Twelve thousand pounds of fiery metal are expected to rain down somewhere, but luckily, most pieces will be no larger than a cantaloupe.

October
In New York, Occupy Wall Street protesters, calling themselves “the 99 percent,” are forced to flee when swarms of Wall Street executives descend upon their encampment to sell mortgage-backed securities.
Meanwhile, the richest Americans (“the 1 percent”) continue their own loosely organized movement, “Occupy a Congressman.”
Also, a public opinion poll taken by The Associated Press shows that 51 percent of all adults are “less likely to vote for any GOP candidate who participates in and opens his or her mouth during a presidential debate.”

November
A congressional “super committee” composed of six Democrats and six Republicans fails to agree on ways to reduce the $15 trillion federal debt. Afterward, its members disagree on why they couldn’t agree.
If elected president, Gov. Rick Perry promises to eliminate the first three federal agencies he can think of. Also in presidential campaign news, a sex scandal surrounding GOP candidate and former pizza executive Herman Cain results in his withdrawal as football coach of Penn State University.
Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vows that Iran will not retreat “one iota” from its nuclear program until the West “stops making computers that put squiggly red lines under my name.” The Iranian leader also reiterates that Iran’s sole intention is to produce nuclear weapons “for peaceful purposes only.”

December
After a total cost of $800 billion and 4,500 American lives, the last U.S. troops leave Iraq, fulfilling the prophecy of George W. Bush in 2003 when he said, “Mission accomplished.”
Kim Jong Un becomes the supreme leader of North Korea after his father, Kim Jong Il, becomes Kim Jong Dead.
With scant time to spare, congressional Republicans and Democrats hammer out a last-minute compromise on the federal debt limit, saving the U.S. economy from almost certain catastrophic collapse until February. In exchange for Democrats agreeing not to eliminate tax cuts for billionaires for at least two more months, Republicans agree to suspend their embarrassing presidential debates, which have been shown to lower high school students’ standardized test scores by 35%.

2011: The Year in Review, Part I

Fri, 2 Dec 2011 11:46:57 -0600

January
Sarah Palin, in her response to the president’s State of the Union address (Who else gets to respond to the president’s State of the Union address? SpongeBob SquarePants?), declares that the Soviet Union won the space race and that sending the first spacecraft (named Sputnik) into orbit in 1961 led to the Soviet Union’s economic collapse (which didn’t occur until 1991).
Afterward, in an attempt at damage control, Sarah explains that what she is really trying to do is to call attention to the story of Sputnik, a cute Pomeranian puppy owned by Mary Martini, from Bourbon, KY. Mary is a 92-year-old widow, nearly blind and homebound, who can’t afford to buy groceries for herself, much less dog food for Sputnik. But Mary doesn’t believe in taking a handout from the government, so she has Sputnik put to sleep and ground up to use in her spaghetti sauce.
Just kidding! What I think Sarah is really trying to do is call to your attention that, when an empty-headed person shoots from the hip, her brain shoots nothing but blanks.
In Louisiana, Governor Bobby Jindal attempts to resolve a $1.6 billion state budget shortfall by selling three state prisons to private interests, who will then lease the prisons back to the state. Jindal hopes to attract buyers by using the marketing slogan “All of our customers are captive clients.”
Also in January, the Jindal administration orders stores to pull from their shelves fake bath salts, known as “poor man’s meth,” as a result of reports that, when snorted, smoked, or injected, the items trigger wild hallucinations, such as imagining that Republicans and Democrats can work together on a budget deficit supercommittee and accomplish anything.
Jindal also asks the federal Drug Enforcement Agency to investigate why Louisiana accounts for 57 percent of all calls about the chemicals. The DEA replies, “We don’t know; maybe because 57 percent of all stupid people live in Louisiana.”
Law enforcement officials who feared the onset of a turf war in Livingston Parish between the producers of “poor man’s meth” and “real meth” are relieved by Jindal’s action.

February
Facing mounting criticism for his plan to generate quick cash by selling prisons and then having the state lease them back, Jindal modifies his proposal to allow the state to buy back the prisons on a rent-to-own plan.

March
Former Governor Buddy Roemer announces his plans to run for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination. Roemer is considered a long shot for the nomination because of others who have more national name recognition, such as Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, and Kim Kardashian.
The United Nations approves military action to aid rebel fighters opposing Libya’s longtime tyrant and fashion mogul, Moammar Gadhafi.
Gadhafi, whose dazzling outfits often rival those of the pope himself, has long shrugged off criticism of his dry cleaning bills, which make up 80% of Libya’s annual budget. He pledges to defend his country from “crusaders and my small-minded enemies in the fashion industry.”
And to think that someone wanted to use this material for drapery!The Federal Aviation Administration suspends two sleeping air traffic controllers and orders them not to come back to work until they get a good night’s sleep.
The federal government maxes out all of its credit cards. The U.S. House of Representatives passes emergency legislation to apply for more credit cards, thus avoiding a government shutdown for at least a month.

April
Amid the type of pomp and circumstance normally reserved for a Super Bowl halftime show or the wedding of a reality TV show star, Prince William and Kate Middleton are married.
As rebel forces, aided by NATO airstrikes, continue to make gains in Libya, human rights groups open an investigation into claims that Moammar Gadhafi’s name can be spelled 20 different ways, all of which end up with red squiggly lines under them.
Gadhafi, in a telephone call to Libyan state TV from an undisclosed location, insists that the different spellings are for security purposes only.Those who question whether I have earned all of these medals in the field of battle have no idea how many wives I’ve had.

May
Osama bin Laden learns that you can run but you can’t hide, unless you’re hiding anywhere in Pakistan, in which case you can hide for a very long time.
The Republican presidential candidates meet for what will be the first of many presidential debates. These events give the candidates the opportunity to debate important issues, demonstrate their leadership abilities, exhibit their knowledge of foreign and domestic affairs, and to produce humorous brain farts for YouTube.

June
Jack Kevorkian, aka “Dr. Death,” dies.
Moammar Gadhafi remains defiant in the face of punishing NATO airstrikes. In a telephone interview from an undisclosed drainage pipe, he vows never to surrender to the “fashion crusaders.”
I got the pattern for this outfit from the pope himself!U.S. Representative Anthony “Grab My Weiner” Weiner shows why sexting should not be considered safe sex.
Sarah Palin visits Boston and describes Paul Revere’s famous ride, where he “warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms.”

Review Question
If Sarah Palin gets paid $200,000 for a stupid speech that contains 3,752 stupid words, how much does she get paid for each stupid word?
Answer: Too much!

Next month: July through December.

It’s in the Bag

Fri, 4 Nov 2011 17:38:58 -0500

Isn’t there something magical about the way the cashier at a grocery store can wave a box of Fruit Roll-Ups across the bar code reader and have the register instantly pick up the cost of the item from a bunch of seemingly meaningless lines, not knowing that you would pay anything for those Fruit Roll-Ups, despite what the lines say?
It’s fun to use the self-serve checkout register at the grocery store, because you get to wave the magic Fruit Roll-Ups across the mystical bar code reader yourself. Not to mention self-serve checkouts save you lots of time. Time that would otherwise be spent standing in a line, reading about how Jennifer “I’ve Been Trying to Find a New Life Ever Since Brad Pitt Dumped Me” Aniston and Brad “I Get to See Angelina Jolie Naked on a Regular Basis” Pitt still aren’t getting along, even though it’s been 10 years since they’ve either seen or spoken to each other. Why can’t two people who haven’t spoken to each other in years get along? My wife and I do!
Well, at least conceptually speaking, self-serve checkout should save you time, but it doesn’t. Because you still have to bag the Fruit Roll-Ups you’ve just been charged for. So you place them in the plastic bag and proceed to scan your next item, a box of Hostess Ding Dongs. But then the register stops you and wants you to press “I do not wish to bag this item.” No other option. There is no “I just bagged the Fruit Roll-Ups, you mechanical moron. Look in the bag and see for yourself!”
Out of all the receptacles found in the nonrigid classification of containers, bags have always carried with them the worst of connotations: “scumbag,” “dirtbag,” “scuzbag,” “old bag,” “windbag,” to name a few. What thoughts of revulsion go through your mind even though what’s inside the bag is not the bag’s fault?
And you certainly don’t want to be left “holding the bag,” whether the bag contains priceless diamonds or huge globs of steaming dog poop.
When you get nauseated on an airplane, you throw up in a “barf bag.” Why do bags always have to be the repository of everyone’s most obnoxious waste? Why can’t you spew your vomit into a “barf box”?
I’m assuming they still have barf bags on airplanes, but why don’t they give you any instructions on how to use them?

In the event we encounter some turbulence or the chicken we served you at lunch is not sufficiently cooked and you become nauseated, a barf bag will automatically drop from the ceiling of the aircraft. If you are traveling with a small child, use the barf bag on yourself first. Small children throw up on themselves all the time, so it’s no big deal.

The reason you never hear those instructions is because barfing is not a topic of polite conversation. We’d all like to pretend that barfing just doesn’t happen.
Anyway, if airline attendants gave specific instructions on everything, they would be talking nonstop until the plane landed:

Here is the emergency exit. Please don’t open it just to see if it works. Here is where the bathroom is located. Always flush the toilet — God knows where it goes — and wash your hands even if you haven’t peed on them.

So you take the Fruit Roll-Ups out of the plastic bag, and then, with a display of gratuitous violence comparable to an 8-year-old beaning another 8-year-old in Little League Baseball, you forcefully throw the roll-ups back in the bag, hoping the register will recognize that you are not someone to be messed with, and that you don’t take bagging accusations lightly.
Ever since the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, in which the deranged computer named Hal took over the spaceship and started killing all the astronauts because they didn’t properly bag their groceries, man and computer have been at odds. Ten years later, things still haven’t improved.
You scan your Hostess Ding Dongs, and wouldn’t you know it, the register doesn’t believe you’ve bagged the Ding Dongs, either! So you lie again, pressing “I don’t want to bag this item,” thinking that this will make things go more smoothly.
“I don’t want any trouble! I just want to pay for my groceries and get out of here!”
Years ago, “unknown” Saints fans wore paper bags over their heads to disguise their identities, except for blond Saints fans, who wore clear plastic bags.
From past experience, you know that the register will only allow you to pretend twice that you are not bagging. The third time you tell it you’re not bagging, even though you really are bagging, it shuts down, and you need the manager of the self-serve checkout registers to reboot it. So you pile all the rest of your groceries into the next bag, and then sit on the metal handles holding the bags and bounce around on them a few times, hoping that will convince the register that the bag contains an item.
But the register still thinks you are a dirty nonbagger, and it shuts down. The self-serve checkout lady comes over to get it started again. Soon, as a cost-saving measure, this job will be outsourced to India or Pakistan:

Hello, this is Wal-Mart customer tech support. How can I help you?
Yes, I’m having a bagging issue with this self-checkout register.
Can I please have your name?
My name? Why do you need my name?
Well, what is the address of the store you are calling from?
The address? I don’t know the address. It’s in Baton Rouge on the corner of Old Hammond and Airline.
And what bagging problem are you having, sir?
Well, I keep bagging things and the register doesn’t believe me.
Are you sure you have bagged these items, sir? Could you please check the bag to confirm the items are actually in the bag?
I don’t have to check the freaking bag! I’ve already thrown the Fruit Roll-Ups in that bag twice, the second time really hard, so unless the roll-ups have crawled out of the bag, they’re still in the bag!
Sir, I must ask you if you have been abusing the register. If so, I cannot be of assistance.

Thankfully, at least for now, you have someone who can personally assist you when the register starts giving you trouble. Last time, I asked the self-serve checkout lady if there were any tricks I could use to convince the register that I’ve bagged something, and she answered, “There’s nothing you can do. These registers just don’t work.”
Oftentimes, there’s a simple answer to a complicated problem.

Chicken Little Was Right

Fri, 7 Oct 2011 14:50:13 -0500

Chicken Little, after being hit by an acorn falling out of a tree, proceeded to spread mass hysteria among other members of the animal kingdom by declaring that “the sky is falling.”
This, of course, was ridiculous, for the sky falling would be in direct opposition to the laws of physics or astronomy or one of the other major sciences as we know them. Many things can fall, such as the stock market or space junk (which we’ll cover later), but the sky is not one of them.
Even if it did, the atmosphere is so light, if it did fall, it wouldn’t hurt anybody — not like if Oprah Winfrey was plummeting on you after one of her ridiculously self-indulgent eating binges.
What can we learn from the story of Chicken Little? Well, for one thing, it is no accident that chickens are at the bottom of the food chain and don’t have the brains that God gave geese. In fact, chickens are considered so incredibly stupid and dispensable by our society that they have set the base standard for all other edible species of animal, i.e., “It tastes like chicken.” Everything tastes like chicken. Ever wonder why rabbit tastes like chicken but chicken doesn’t taste like rabbit?
My son recently made me deep fry in a light, crispy batter a rattlesnake that his uncle brought over. And yes, it tasted like chicken. Grizzly bears probably think the same of people.
In the story, Chicken Little, referred to originally as Henny Penny, convinces Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Goosey Loosey, and Turkey Lurkey that all of their names are incredibly stupid and that they should retain an attorney (“Suey Louie”) to take legal action against the author for giving them those silly names.
He also convinces them that the sky is falling, which makes them easy prey for the wily fox, Foxy Loxy, who invites them into his lair under the ruse that it would protect them from the falling sky, and then proceeds to eat them all. The story ends with the fox regretting that he didn’t have at least one course that didn’t taste like chicken.
There are two morals to the story of Chicken Little, one of which is you should not feel guilty about eating chicken or any other animal that tastes like chicken. The other moral is that we should not be paralyzed by unreasonable fear of impending doom. This is not to be confused with reasonable fear of impending doom. For instance, if Chicken Little had been running away and hiding from the Grim Reaper of Hot Chicken Wings, this would be an entirely reasonable fear of impending doom.
One thing we will no longer have to worry about is whether we will be hit by the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, a dead, 6-ton satellite that plunged to the Earth in September. The satellite, which was launched from the space shuttle in 1991, ran out of fuel in 2005. Since then, it has been spiraling out of control like the deficit of a modern industrialized country.
NASA expected 1,200 pounds of molten metal to rain down somewhere, the largest piece being 300 pounds, which would be the equivalent of a fiery, grossly obese Oprah Winfrey plummeting through the atmosphere. The space administration was not sure where all of the debris from the bus-sized satellite would land. Earthlings were pretty much left to their own devices, like when you’re driving along a winding mountain road and come upon a sign that says “Watch Out for Falling Rocks.”
What happens if, in your vigilance to look up the mountainside for falling boulders, you drive off the side of the mountain to your death?
Do they have signs in Kansas that say “Watch Out for Tornadoes”? How about “Tornado Crossing” or “Yield to Tornadoes” signs?
At first, NASA officials believed that fiery pieces of the satellite had rained down on Canada and the northern part of the United States, but they soon realized, when no injured or dead people came forward to request a large cash settlement, that they must have come down somewhere over the Pacific.
Nevertheless, if you believe the expected lifespan of your home’s shingles has depreciated significantly as a result of several molten pieces of heavy metal going through your roof and possibly your foundation, you should contact NASA immediately.

The 2012 Presidential Election

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 14:17:23 -0500

The 2012 presidential election is in full swing. By that, I mean the Republican challengers are taking lots of swings at President Barack Obama.
And what a large, ambitious group of challengers there is. Mostly candidates with deeply religious convictions — saintly candidates with such strong religious beliefs that you wonder why they chose the world of politics instead of the seminary. Luckily for the religious community, these guys feel a stronger calling to the White House then they do to the Lord.
Many of the Republican candidates have strong ties to the Tea Party. The Tea Party is a loosely organized group of patriotic citizens who believe that government is too big, taxes are too high, and someone is trying to take their guns away.
This is crazy! Who in their right mind would try to take a gun away from one of those nut jobs! (Only attempt this when they’re not looking and least expect it.)
Anyway, in furtherance of this column’s mission statement, which I think has something to do with being fairly unbalanced, I present to you the candidates for president of the United States:

Michele Bachmann
Introduction: Hot at 55.
Profile: Republican Congresswomanperson from Minnesota who first gained national attention in 2004 because of her strong stance against Canada’s annexation of Minnesota.
Religion: Very religious.
Issues: Extremely conservative; head of the Congressional Tea Party Caucus; in order to win, she has to overcome the perception that she is only slightly smarter than Sarah Palin; Minnesota base gives her great access to snow and ice.

Tim Pawlenty
Introduction: Former Minnesota governor; withdrew from the presidential race shortly after a disappointing third-place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll, despite spending $1 million on straw.
Profile: Loser.
Issues: Has to overcome his loser profile if he wants to have any chance in 2016.

Ron Paul
Introduction: Congressman from Texas with two first names; referred to by some as the “Intellectual Godfather of the Tea Party” or the “Smartest Slug in Slug Special Education.”
Profile: Prolific fundraiser, once raising $6 million in a single day to buy a last name. Why should we listen to Ron Paul on constitutional issues? Because he was there when it was signed.
Issues: Ultra-conservative; believes country would benefit from the abolishment of nearly all governmental agencies; if elected, promises to abolish the presidency.

Rick Perry
Introduction: Governor of Texas; need we say more?
Profile: Once led the call for Texas to secede from the Union and join the SEC. Although Perry has quickly established himself as a top-tier candidate, his career was nearly cut short when he was posing for a photo op one day on horseback. The horse suddenly started bucking. In fact, it would have bucked him off, but his leg got tangled in the stirrups of the saddle. There he was, bouncing up and down, head first, inches and seconds away from sure and certain death. Fortunately, a Walmart employee retrieving shopping carts saw what was happening and came over and pulled the plug on the ride.
Religion: Ridiculously religious; prayed for rain in April; Texas proceeded to have the worst drought since 1895.
Issues: Strong Tea Party appeal; leader of the Christian evangelical movement; doesn’t believe in evolution; doesn’t believe that man-made pollution has anything to do with global warming; “Perry” could also be a first name.

Newt Gingrich
Introduction: Former Speaker of the U.S. House; has a definite first and last name.
Religion: Not too much.
Profile: Fat, puffy, but has presidential-looking hair.
Issues: Messy personal life; multiple divorces; “Newt” sounds like an amphibian.

Mitt Romney
Introduction: Former Republican front-runner.
Profile: Former governor of Massachusetts; needs a job.
Religion: Church of the Latter-day Presidential Candidates 2008 (Mormon).
Issues: Romney’s main issue revolves around his religion and the concern that he will not be able to run the country effectively while at the same time giving his many wives the attention they deserve. If elected, will there be a First First Lady, a Second First Lady, a Third First Lady, etc.?

Sarah Palin
Introduction: As of this writing, Palin is not considered a serious candidate, although many consider her a comically ridiculous candidate. This is why I give her more coverage than all the rest. Here is how she stands on the issues:
Palin on Jobs: Quit her last job and pledges not to get another one until people stop paying her $100,000 for silly speeches.
Palin on Family Values: Only in favor of marriage between a gay man and gay woman.
Palin on Education: In favor of teaching creationism and American history, particularly Paul Revere’s ride to warn the British about Obamacare.
Palin on Gun Control: In favor of the Right to Bear Arms; once shot a moose in her pajamas — how it got in her pajamas, she’ll never know.
Palin on Social Security: Not old enough yet.
Palin on Foreign Policy: On a clear day, she can see Russia; has nuclear missiles in her backyard with first-strike capabilities.
Palin on Drugs: Holy cow! I can’t even imagine what that would be like!

Then there’s the incumbent:

Barack Obama
Introduction: 44th president of the United States.
Religion: Devout Muslim.
Issues: Dogged by questions concerning unemployment, the economy, and his ties to al-Qaida; inspiration to millions for proving it possible for a black Muslim terrorist born in Kenya to attain the highest political office in America.

Social Networking

Fri, 1 Jul 2011 23:44:05 -0500

Social networking is based on the principle that 300 people who share similar interests can waste a heck of a lot more time than a single individual could ever hope to waste by himself. There are several social networking services available on the internet, such as Twitter and MyFace. But the most popular social networking site in the world is Facebook.
In December 2010, the publishers of Time magazine named Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as “Person With the Most Jewish-sounding Name of the Year.” Like many users of Facebook who use photos of their pets as profile photos, Zuckerberg elected to put a photo of his cat Snookums on the cover of Time, which led many people to believe that Snookums was Person of the Year, not Zuckerberg.

Tweeters
One emerging trend in social networking is the concept of “real-time webs” such as Twitter, which allows famous users such as Charlie Sheen to instantaneously broadcast, or “tweet,” to millions of people their most demented rantings and ravings within a 140-character limit.
What’s the difference between Facebook and Twitter? The main difference is that, although Twitter allows you to describe to all your friends what you’re having for dinner, Facebook allows you to send your friends photos of what you’re having for dinner.
People who use Twitter are called “tweeters,” not “twitters,” because people would rather be known as tweets than twits. Currently, the top tweeter is Lady Gaga (bio: “mother monster”), with 11,130,826 “followers,” or “tweeps,” or “imbeciles” (as of June 24, 2011). Not far behind with 10,536,202 mental midgets is Justin Bieber.
Barack Obama comes in, surprisingly, at No. 3. Quite an achievement for our current president when you consider that such other presidential notables as Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson don’t even crack the top 100. A No. 3 ranking for Obama is also remarkable when you consider his bio: “This account is run by #Obama2012 campaign staff. Tweets from the President are signed -BO.” BOOOORING!
In 2010, Twitter and the Library of Congress announced that all public tweets since March 2006 would be permanently archived in the Library of Congress. The benefits of saving this information in the Library of Congress are obvious. In the future, if someone wants to recreate what life was like, say, on November 26, 2006, he will be able to do so by studying Britney Spears’ tweets — “I’m out partying! Sh—t! I forgot to put my panties on again!” — right alongside the Congressional Record for the day. Somehow this seems appropriate.

Social Network Disorders
Facebook and other social networking tools are increasingly becoming the object of scholarly research, most particularly on the subject of social networking disorders such as Friend Envy, which is an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and insecurity when someone you know has 986 more “friends” than you do. Be sure to recognize the early warning signs of this disabling social disease, which manifests itself when you defriend anyone who takes more than 10 minutes to accept your friend request:
“You make me sweat it out for 15 minutes before you accept my friend request! Go to hell! I don’t need friends like you!”

“Defriending” a Friend
No matter how hard you strive to maintain a respectable friend count, sooner or later, you will want to “defriend” or “unfriend” someone. Here are the top 10 reasons given by users of social networks for defriending a friend:
1) She’s my mother.
2) She’s my parole officer.
3) She Photoshopped my profile photo with the naked bottom half of Bret Favre.
4) His profile photo looks like someone I saw on America’s Most Wanted.
5) She has 235 more friends than I do.
6) I haven’t the faintest idea who this person is.
7) Now I remember who he is and I hate him!
8) She didn’t “Like” the photo of my child.
9) She didn’t “Like” the photo of my cat.
1) She didn’t “Like” the photo of what I’m having for dinner.

Privacy Issues
There has been growing concern among users of social networking services about privacy protection. What assurances do you have that photos of your genitals that you’ve sent to 984 of your closest “friends” will never fall into the hands of someone you hardly know? Which leads us to the subject of…

Sexting
Sexting has overwhelmingly replaced phone sex as the No. 1 most popular form of noncontact sex. The reason is obvious: Sexting is much more technologically advanced than phone sex. So don’t even think of asking anyone under 90 if they are interested in having phone sex, unless you’re ready to be laughed at!
It’s easy to see why flirtation has gone digital. Why would anyone want to stand on a corner giving out pictures of his genitals to women passing by when he can send the same photos to women electronically in the comfort of his own home? Although sexting has traditionally been considered as “safe sex,” it can be damaging to your career, as was discovered recently by U.S. Representative Anthony “Grab My Weiner” Weiner.

Use as an Investigative Tool
Social networking services are increasingly being used in criminal investigations. Often a case is solved when the perpetrator lets his guard down and posts something on Facebook that ties him to the crime. This was the case recently in Los Angeles when a man who had robbed a convenience store was apprehended after posting a police sketch of himself as his personal photo on Facebook.

Fun Facts
• There are over 105 million registered users of Twitter, tweeting out 750 tweets per second. For the owners of Twitter, life must be tweet.
• The most common tweet is “I’m having lunch” at 40% of total tweets, followed closely by “I’m having dinner” at 37%, “I’m having a latte while driving on the Interstate” at 30%, “I’m having sex” at 25%, and “I’m having a baby” at 20%.
• There are 650 million Facebook users.
• In just 20 minutes on Facebook, 1.9 million status updates are entered, 10.2 million comments are posted, 1.9 million friend requests are accepted, 2.5 million baby pictures are displayed, 1.7 million people congratulate themselves on their latest business success, and 4.2 million people obtain temporary relief from the effects of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Parting Thoughts
Are we commenting, documenting, and reporting on life more than we’re actually living it? Is all this information more than we really need or want? And when will Lindsay Lohan learn to dress appropriately for court?
I don’t know, but I would suggest that you think twice before you tell Lindsay or anyone else to “keep in touch.” You might just get what you ask for.

A Brief History of Technology

Fri, 3 Jun 2011 12:38:16 -0500

Throughout history, man has constantly strived to develop the technology necessary to assist him in his efforts to explore and better understand the world around him, make his life on Earth more comfortable, speed the lines of communication, enhance the dissemination of important information, and develop new and more exciting toys for adults to play with.
Even when primitive man, thousands of years ago, gazed up at the stars at night, he dreamed of inventing a way to get a closer view of the universe. This led primitive man to embark on an attempt to develop an Earth Relocater, a massive contraption designed to push the Earth closer to the stars so he could get a better look. Primitive man wasted an enormous amount of time and energy on this futile concept before he realized that a telescope would be much more practical.
Fortunately, this was only a temporary technological setback, and today, the spirit of innovation remains alive and well. Even as I write this, the makers of expensive gadgets are hard at work developing new and more expensive gadgets that will make the gadget you bought yesterday (now referred to as “a piece of crap”) obsolete.
That’s because there’s only one thing in the field of technology that is more certain than change, and that is that there will always be people out there plotting new ways to take your money away from you. Like an insurance agent collecting residuals year after year on a policy he sold you over a decade ago, the manufacturers of computers and smartphones have teams of geeks working 24/7 to develop new and exciting digital toys to keep you on a monthly retainer.

A Digital Timeline
3500 B.C.: The dawning of the digital age. Man first begins counting on his fingers. But the real breakthrough doesn’t occur until hundreds of years later, when man discovers a way to go beyond 10 fingers and count on his toes. This brought us to the number 20. Now we were on our way.
1964: The Yellow Pages develops a process to let your fingers do the walking.
1970s: Then the ’70s came, which were even more digital. It wasn’t long before even the Mother of Digital Technology, Ella Fitzgerald, couldn’t tell whether she was alive or dead.
1980s: Then there were the ’80s. The music industry converts music formerly sold as vinyl records to CDs, so people can buy the same music they already own a second time, thus continuing to support the expensive drug habits of aging rock stars from the ’60s.
1990s: The biggest technological breakthrough, digitally speaking, occurs with the development of the cell phone. Now corporate executives can keep in constant contact with their offices and business associates wherever they go, even in public restrooms, to such an extent that some of the biggest transactions in the business world are made to the sound of flushing urinals and toilets:
“Yes, let’s move forward with that $10 billion acquisition immediately! FFFLLLUUUUUSSSSSHHHHHGARGLEGARGLEGARGLE!
2010: The last living analog dies from nonlinearity causes at the Home for Aged Transducers.

Smartphones
Smartphones have largely replaced the old Captain Kirk “beam me up, Scotty” flip-top phones like the one I continue to use. When you carry around, like I do, a phone that doesn’t have internet access, you’re likely to receive comments like “I haven’t seen a phone like that in years! They still make phones like that?” or “You mean you can’t check your email with that thing? HAHAHAHAHA!”
In fact, owning a cell phone designed primarily to make and receive phone calls is now as primitive as having a fax machine. It brands you, technologically speaking, as being one evolutionary step ahead of primordial soup. In spite of this, I continue to use my “dumb” phone because, well, it’s still a lot smarter than I am. I have yet to learn how to use half of the features on this thing, although a 12-year-old once taught me how to take pictures.
Even though I can’t receive emails when I leave the computer in my office and go to lunch, I can still enjoy my meal while I watch everyone else in the restaurant as they earnestly check their emails, as if the spam they’re receiving is an urgent message from the State Department that requires their immediate attention:
• “Great deals on prescription drugs from Canada!”
• “The 72-hour erection pill has just arrived! ORDER NOW!”
• “If you don’t forward this email to 10 people you know, SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU!”
Mind if I continue eating while you forward that email to a few of your friends?

Next month: Social Networking.

Are You Getting Enough Sleep?

Fri, 6 May 2011 09:28:36 -0500

Americans are not getting enough sleep. This was revealed in a recent study that stated 58% of Americans get less than six hours of sleep a day. The fact is we’re becoming a nation of sleepyheads.
This has had a significant impact on productivity in the American workplace, as more and more Americans are literally “sleepwalking” their way through their jobs. Even when they manage to take quick naps at their desk, they often wake up in pools of saliva, groggy, and in bad moods.
The financial loss to employers is substantial. It is estimated that sleep deprivation costs employers millions of dollars a year, most of which is spent on telephone answering devices designed to keep customers on hold until an employee wakes up.

Sleep Loss: A Threat to Public Safety
Nodding off on the job can have a direct impact on public safety in certain occupations where the safety of others depends on the worker being alert and, uh, well, awake:
Pilot: Request permission to land.
Air Traffic Controller: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…
The Federal Aviation Administration has assured the American public that recent occurrences of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job are not acceptable. To drive home this point, the FAA recently suspended one napping controller and told him not to come back to work until he got a good night’s sleep.
To better ensure the safety of landing aircraft when a controller does nod off, the FAA has also instituted a computerized air traffic control system as a backup:
Welcome to air traffic control. All our controllers are either busy assisting other pilots or asleep.
Getting your plane down safely is important to us. To continue this message in English, press one. To continue this message in Spanish, press 2. Para continuar con la presente convocatoria en español, por favor, pulse dos…
If you are a licensed pilot, press one. If you’ve never flown a plane before, press…
If you wish to land, press one. If you are lonely and depressed and wish to speak to one of our counselors, press…
If you know the name of the airport where you wish to land, please spell the first five letters of the first name of the airport, then press pound…
You entered “Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport.” If this is correct, press…
Pilot: F—k it! I’m bringing this plane down in that sugarcane field!
So rest assured that air travel is perfectly safe. The chance of an air traffic controller falling asleep on the job during your flight is about as likely as your plane’s roof being ripped open at 36,000 feet.
As Franklin D. Roosevelt once said about flying, “The only thing we have to fear is fear of being groped by another man while going through security.” So don’t lose any sleep over it.

The Effects of Sleep Deprivation
Chronic sleep loss can contribute to several serious health problems, not the least of which is crankiness and irritability. This was proven in a recent study in which air traffic controllers working the night shift were awakened by mild electric shocks administered by the FAA whenever they began to drift off to sleep.
After just one night of this sleep deprivation experiment, the controllers for the day shift arrived well rested and greeted the night shift controllers with a cheery “GOOD MORNING!” at which point the day controllers were kicked, hit, and in some cases bitten by the night controllers.

Recognizing the Symptoms of a Sleep Disorder
Not getting enough sleep could be a symptom of insomnia. Snoring can lead to insomnia, especially if you are the one sleeping next to the snoring person. If a snorer wakes up while sleeping, gasping for breath, it could be a symptom of a sleeping disorder known as sleep apnea, or it could just be the snorer’s sleeping partner stuffing a pillow in his face.

Facts and Myths About Sleep
Myth: Counting sheep can help you go to sleep.
Fact: Depending on your personality, counting sheep may actually prevent you from falling asleep, especially if you’re an accountant and you find the mental exercise of counting sheep stimulating, and you stay up all night depreciating the sheep and calculating the average cost basis of the sheep.
Myth: Older people don’t need as much sleep.
Fact: Older people need just as much sleep as younger adults. But as you get older, waking up before you’ve had enough sleep is not as bad as not waking up at all.
True or False: You can “make up” for lost sleep.
True: Sleep experts say that you can, in fact, “make up” for lost sleep. The ancient art of the afternoon nap is an excellent method of catching up on your sleep.

Napping: An Unfair Stigma
Unfortunately, napping is an activity that has oftentimes been unfairly portrayed as the pastime of “goof-offs,” “idlers,” and “slackers.” By and large, napping critics are people who are simply not capable of falling asleep in the middle of the day themselves but wish they could.
It’s time that we lifted the stigma associated with napping. Nappers are not lazy.
That’s easy for me to say, because I’m an Olympic-caliber napper. After lunch on a Saturday or Sunday, I can fall into a deep sleep in minutes.
I would do really well in preschool.

How to Look Good Naked

Fri, 1 Apr 2011 16:41:26 -0500

Whether you’re posing for an art class, going skinny-dipping, visiting a nude beach, bearing it all for that special someone, or just strolling down the driveway to take the garbage out stark-naked, you want to look good when you take your clothes off. Lately, there have been numerous magazine articles, books, and even TV shows dedicated to this subject — and for good reason.
First of all, nude is natural. We all come into this world naked, even Lady Gaga, who was born wearing nothing at all, except for two cone-shaped metal breastplates shooting out sparks.
Nude is also green, especially in the summer, when you can stay naturally cool while conserving fossil fuels that would otherwise be used to produce enough food to feed someone in Indonesia who makes your clothing.
Surprisingly, there are just three easy steps to follow if you want to look good naked: 1) eat right, 2) exercise, and 3) be between the ages of 21 years, 1 month and 21 years, 2 months.
If you’re like most people, you probably fail to meet one of the three requirements. Maybe age (Step #3) is a factor, or maybe you fall short in fulfilling Steps #1 and #2, which require discipline, which you don’t have. You may, in fact, have trouble fulfilling even one of the three requirements, but you still want to look good naked. Well, in this month’s column, I’ll show you how.
If you’re a man, you can stop reading this right now, because you already know you have a great body — even though your stomach enters a room several minutes before the rest of your torso. That’s because most men possess grandiose self-images that bear no resemblance to the actual bodies they inhabit. These are the guys who were taught as children that their bodies were their temples, but since then, they’ve turned into Super Walmarts.
All women, on the other hand, no matter how beautiful they are, hate their bodies. I know some of you women are probably thinking, “Sure, Antonio, I hate my body, but even my husband hasn’t seen me naked in years. So why worry about it?”
Well, ESPN sportscaster Erin Andrews probably wasn’t worried about what she looked like naked, either, until some pervert hanging around the peephole of her hotel room took a nude video of her, which was then plastered all over the internet for millions to gawk at. After her video had gotten more hits and undergone more intense scrutiny than the Zapruder film, it was too late for Erin to worry about what she looked like naked!
Fortunately for Erin, she looked just fine, even though the film was grainy and of poor quality — but what can you expect from a video taken through a peephole? 4-D?
The point is, no matter how careful you are to guard your privacy, sooner or later, you’re going to be captured on film sans clothes, and you don’t have to be Erin Andrews for that to happen. After all, you can’t go anywhere nowadays without surveillance cameras recording your every movement.
You can’t even walk out of your front door anymore without a satellite taking your picture! So you wait for the satellite to pass over before you take your clothes off, then you lie down on a beach blanket in your front yard to get a nice tan, then some jerk driving a Google Maps car drives by and takes a picture of you in your full frontal nakedness!
Didn’t he see the Don’t Tread on Me flag in the front yard? Get your gun!
With the advent of full-body scans at airports, photos of everyone’s naked bodies will soon be turning up on terrorist websites throughout the world for Muslim radicals to look and laugh at, all in the interest of national security. So forget about all of your outdated privacy concerns, for the war against terrorism will never be won unless we first win the war against ugly nakedness.
In other words, it’s time for you to “gird your loins” (an Old Testament term meaning, literally, “get your loins ready”). And what better way to get your loins ready than to implement Antonio’s 6-Step Program to Look Great Naked:
1. Start looking good in your clothes. You will never have the confidence necessary to look good naked if you don’t first look good in your clothes. So go out and buy some new outfits that make you feel good about your appearance.
Once you’ve built up your self-esteem, you’re ready to go on to Step #2. But don’t make the mistake of becoming so satisfied with looking good in your clothes that you get stuck in Step #1, which means that you’re using your clothes as a crutch to hide the cruel bodily imperfections that life has dealt you.
Let’s take as an example Vanna White, who gets paid millions of dollars to walk out on Wheel of Fortune in a different beautiful dress every night and point at letters that someone else is lighting up. Of course she looks great in those expensive outfits — anybody would!
But where would she be without that elaborate wardrobe? Just look at this computer-generated rendering of what Vanna would look like without those beautiful clothes:

Wow! And to think how skinny she looks with clothes on!
2. Feel good naked. Stop hating your body. Your body isn’t perfect — but no one else’s is, either. Even Venus, the Greek goddess of beauty and love, didn’t have a body that could compare with today’s skinny, anorexic models, as we can see from this painting by the great Italian Renaissance painter Giorgione:

Giorgione’s painting caused quite a stir in the Renaissance community, for it was the first time any artist had depicted a nude woman sleeping after she had consumed large quantities of pizza and beer — which brings us to our third step…
3. Don’t consume large quantities of pizza and beer right before you strip. I can’t overemphasize the importance of a proper “pregame” meal. Salad is in; pasta is out. Stuff your face with pasta, and you’ll end up looking like a raunchy Pillsbury Doughgirl.
4. Accessorize. Accentuate your nakedness with a prop or accessory. For example, if you suffer from varicose veins, tantalizingly emphasize your au naturel state by strapping on some hip boots. This is especially popular with fly fishermen.
5. Adjust the lighting. Avoid fluorescent lighting — everyone looks like Freddy Krueger in fluorescent light. Lighting from the back is best, so position yourself in front of the strongest light, which will smooth lumps and bumps and, if you’re lucky, temporarily blind your admirer.
6. Stand up straight. No one likes a naked sloucher! Shoulders back, chest out, stomach in! Breathe! Don’t forget to breathe!

San Diego’s Dishware Dream

Fri, 4 Mar 2011 22:10:24 -0600

If you’re ever invited to eat dinner at my house, you’ll probably eat in our formal dining room, because that’s where we normally eat when we have guests over, especially guests we don’t know very well, like you.
You’ll notice a shiny silvery plate underneath the plate that you’re eating from. This extra plate is called a “charger plate.” Most people, especially guys, have never heard of a charger plate.
Once our guests have had enough wine and are no longer worried about embarrassing themselves, they may ask questions such as: “Why is there an extra plate underneath my plate? What is it called? Does it have any practical use? Why is it so shiny? Can you eat off it?”
Well, you’re not supposed to eat off a charger plate.
You’re probably wondering, “How did anyone come up with such a crazy idea — a plate you can’t eat off of?”
I’m glad you asked that question.
It all began in the 16th century, in the small country of Liechtenstein. There, in a little village known as Spitzball, nestled high in the Alps, a humble meatball maker of Spanish descent named San Diego Charger eked out a meager living, rolling meatballs in the town’s Swedish meatball factory.
San Diego had worked in the factory since he was a little boy. By the time he reached the young age of 19, he had become the best in the business, a master at his craft, becoming the youngest member in the history of the secret and mysterious Fraternal Order of Mystic Meat Rollers to attain the exalted status of “High Roller.”
But the success and acclaim that San Diego achieved in the field of meatball rolling did not deter him from his lifelong dream of one day owning his own shop.
Every day, San Diego hurriedly ate his meager lunch, then knelt in the factory’s lunchroom to pray that his dream would one day come true. The other workers in the factory laughed at him and called him “Holy Roller.”
“Let them laugh,” San Diego would say to his wife, Olga, as he stashed away a few more pennies in his sock drawer.
After many years of this frugal saving, all of the furniture in the Chargers’ tiny house bulged with the weight of thousands and thousands of pennies. Finally, Olga had enough.
“It’s like a treasure hunt to find your underwear amongst all these pennies,” she said. “Either they go or I go!”
This was the final push San Diego needed to quit his job at the meatball factory and open his own plate shop. It was with great pride that San Diego Charger hung his first Charger Plates sign over the door of his little shop.
He soon was doing a brisk business in plates, for in San Diego’s time, in the isolated mountain village of Spitzball, plates were a rarity. Most people just ate with their hands out of whatever pots their food was cooked in.
Soon, the women in the village started insisting that everyone eat from their own plates. And although the women looked upon plates as an important step toward culture, manners, and good taste, the idea of eating from a plate was, at first, hard to swallow for most of the men in town.
“What next?” one of the men complained. “Using napkins instead of our shirtsleeves?”
“Mark my word,” another lambasted, “today, plates; tomorrow, they tear down the saloon and build an opera house.”
But after much nagging by the womenfolk, along with threats to “cut them off” if the men didn’t use their plates, the men finally came around to the women’s way of thinking.
San Diego’s son, Hans, joined his father in the plate business after graduating with a marketing degree from the big university in Zurich. He often urged his father to expand into forks, which he wisely envisioned as being “the next big thing.”
But San Diego refused to do so. “Let’s stick to what we know best and do it well — plates!”
For several years, San Diego enjoyed much success in his little plate shop. But then, just as fast as the business had taken off, it took a huge nosedive. Hans, who had learned in his marketing class how to incorporate business statistics into graphs, drew a big chart with a red plummeting line to demonstrate the dramatic downturn in business and hung it in the storeroom.
“I know business sucks!” San Diego lamented as he dusted off the display plates. “You don’t have to hang graphs with plunging red lines in the storeroom to tell me that!”
Hans finally decided to do a market study. After several days spent canvassing the town and questioning villagers, he came running back to the shop with two big pie graphs.
“Pop! I’ve figured out why business is so bad! Look, the blue in this pie graph represents our market share of the plate business in Spitzball.”
Hans held up a solid blue circle. “It’s what we called at school a ‘full moon’ — 100%. Now, the blue in this second graph shows how many people in town now own plates.” Hans held up another solid blue moon.
“What this means is that we’ve sold a plate to every man, woman, and child in Spitzball! We’ve saturated the market!”
San Diego Charger began preparing himself to spend the rest of his life in debtor’s prison. One day, when he was having himself fitted for leg irons, Hans came up with a plan.
“Pop. I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we make a plate to go under the plate that people eat off of?”
“Two plates? I’ve never heard of such a ridiculous idea! Why would anybody need two plates? To catch the food that drops out of the first plate?” San Diego asked.
“No, Dad, this would be an ornamental plate. A plate so nice that you never eat off it and you never get it dirty! It would just be for decoration — a symbol of culture and good taste!”
“Hans, it’s such a crazy idea, it just might work.”
So San Diego Charger started handcrafting these new, ornamental plates, which were quite expensive since he made them with the finest, shiniest materials available. To discourage his customers from eating off of his new plates, San Diego made them highly susceptible to food stains.
Although he initially called these new plates “underplates,” they eventually gained worldwide fame as “Charger plates.” Today, one of those original plates handcrafted by San Diego Charger’s own hands (though stained from centuries of unintentional food spillage) commands $75,000 at Sotheby’s Auction House.
At charger plate conventions around the world, people gather to buy, trade, or just share their favorite charger plate stories. The highlight of each convention is the Charger Plate Games, where contestants can be seen teetering on top of ladders to balance that one last winning plate in the plate-stacking competition, or displaying their grace and eating talents in the spaghetti-eating competition, where contestants are judged not only by the volume and speed with which they eat but by how clean they leave their charger plates.
So, to answer the question “Does a charger plate have any practical use?” the answer is “NO.” It’s a completely impractical, frivolous, and extravagant display of gaudy dinnerware. But we hope you agree with us that sometimes it’s the little, insignificant, frivolous, gaudy things that make life worth living. I think San Diego Charger would agree with that.
In the rich tradition of the Charger family of great platemakers, we invite you to relax and enjoy your meal with a genuine charger plate elegantly placed underneath your normal dinner plate. But remember, although today’s charger plates are much more stain-resistant than in San Diego’s day, they are still not dishwasher safe. So be a good guest, dine with care and grace, and avoid spilling food on your charger plate. It’s not good manners, and if the hostess has to hand-wash your plate … well, you’re liable to piss her off.