The Great Big Story

BATON ROUGE – Baton Rouge Business Report publisher Rolfe McCollister was named in December as the successor to TV gadget pitchman Billy Mays.

“Based on Rolfe’s incredible ability to sell his city on absolutely anything, he’ll have no problem with OxiClean® and Orange Glo®,” Mays said.

In a statement, McCollister said he accepted the position with humility, vowing to uphold Mays’ standard for excellence.

“We offer only the best products, like Liquid Diamond™, the Awesome Auger, and the Hercules Hook™,” McCollister said. “You’ll never find us with BluBlockers™ or that stupid sound amplifier. I mean, that stuff is just cheesy.”

Senate to Target Van Halen Guitarist

BATON ROUGE – Legislative Republicans wasted little time in setting their reform agenda, vowing to pass a state law that formally declares that legendary rock guitarist Eddie Van Halen has “clearly” lost his edge.

Governor-elect Bobby Jindal pledged his support, saying Van Halen “has trouble bending a barre major seventh.”

“He couldn’t play with my cousin,” Jindal said, “and I have thousands of them.”

“Governator” Can’t Wait to Meet, Haze Jindal

“I’m going to have lots of fun with Little Darkie,” Schwarzenegger said affectionately of Jindal. “I can’t wait to get him on the beer bong, spank him with that big board thing, and make him eat the goldfish.”

Jindal did not have an immediate response to Schwarzenegger’s comments, but a spokeswoman said Jindal swallowed very hard.

“Study Abroad” Not What ‘40s-era Gangster Thought

Sitting in a dirty, rotten, gin joint on Rue de la Faisanderie, Barkowski warned the boys in Kansas City they better get him back quick-like, or he’ll be wearing a pine box for an overcoat.

“Send a car around, Louie, or it’s curtains for me. Curtains, I tells ya’,” he was overheard saying on the lounge telephone.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

A review of our independent research proves that Addis does, in fact, smell worse than Brusly.