The Great Big Story

Area TV viewers accused WAFB-TV of shoddy journalism last month when the station reported several days after Hurricane Gustav that porn prices could skyrocket.

A Garden District resident, who identified himself only as Adam, angrily denounced the station for what he called a “Spanish fly” report.

“I spent $300 on DVDs and personal lubricant that night alone,” said Adam, wearing large, identity-obscuring sunglasses. “Is Channel 9 going to put that back in my bank account? Are they going to come over here and do the wanking for me?”

Drunk Larry’s Hurricane Gustav Log
with Drunk Larry

Saturday – 8:04 a.m.: Blew off LSU-Appalachian State game. 10 a.m. kickoff not worth effort of Bloody Mary drunk.

Saturday – 9:31 p.m.: Ridiculed Weather Channel guy for sounding like bigger douche bag than Jay Grymes.

Sunday – 12:10 p.m.: Postponed buying supplies until the afternoon. There’s football on.

Sunday – 3:17 p.m.: Convinced assistant pharmacist at Rite-Aid that three-month refill of Ambien® and Xanax® is legal. Picked up supplies while there: two bags of Fritos Scoops! ®, two jars of salsa, beef jerky, Gatorade®.

Sunday – 9:53 p.m.: Began downloading massive number of movies from illegal websites. Cursed self for not thinking of it sooner.

Monday – 11:12 a.m.: Woke up from Ambien-Xanax coma. Feeling concern about Gustav.

Monday – 12:02 p.m.: Lost power during key download of vintage German porn. House getting hot. Grabbed cash and headed for nearest bar.

Monday – 12:23 p.m.: Unusually windy. Bars are closed. Sheriff’s deputy very suspicious of me, not open to my critique of his job. Deputy cited me for misdemeanor criminal mischief.

Monday – 12:49 p.m.: Popped more Ambien, Xanax. During radio simulcast of Channel 9, decided Jay Grymes is OK after all. Noted heavy rain, elm in living room.

Monday – 9:13 p.m.: Finished last bag of chips, began sipping rainwater. Considered looting Rite-Aid for more drugs.

Iraq Threatened by Angry Agnostic Protests

BAGHDAD – Hard-line religious agnostics took to the streets here in September, throwing rocks at Iraqi soldiers and threatening a new wave of violence in the war-torn city.

“Seriously, we just want to practice our nebulous beliefs and ponder the level of involvement of an omnipotent being. Is that so wrong?” the man shouted.

President Bush quickly denounced the demonstration as the work of “a few agitators and malcontents.” Senior White House officials said, however, the president also began working diplomatic back channels, dispatching Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to the Iraqi capital, where she dispensed adhesive-backed “No Soliciting” signs.

Ask a Conspiracy Theorist
with Dan Hutchinson
(Not My Real Name)

Dear Dan,

My neighbor got herself tested for AIDS after Hurricane Gustav and told me I should do the same. “Lula Mae,” as I’ll call her, said that her sister’s coworker, who’s married to a nurse, told her the storm sucked up the virus while it was over Haiti and rained it back down.

I have a cold, and now I’m worried it might be something more. Do you think I should go to the doctor?

Richard Gragniard
Denham Springs

Dear Richard,

Against my better judgment, I’ve been doing a little reconnaissance at Cracker Barrel, the spooks’ favorite hangout. There. See him? It’s the guy who claims to be an accountant. Don’t make eye contact. Just buy this Almond Joy® and Red Bull®.

Man, spooks are everywhere after Gustav. No, not the black guys – the guys in black, I mean. They might be black as in African-American, but they might be Italian or Chicano or Irish. That’s not important.

Why do you think the choppers are flying everywhere at all hours of the day? Goddam Big Brother. The spooks are everywhere, and they’re watching me. I can’t even risk going in my backyard. They’re just waiting for me to show them the secret location of my pot plants. I’m telling ya, my friend: Those government sons o’ bitches are everywhere.

And by the way, AX7-BII2H-09-Z61HJ. You know what I’m talking about.

[Editor’s note: Dan Hutchinson is out of the country and will be unable to respond to inquiries until further notice.]

Burns’ GHB Mickey Part of Sorrento Tourism Campaign

Sources within Sorrento’s town government confirmed they slipped the drug known as GHB to Assistant District Attorney Prem Burns at a Baton Rouge restaurant the night of her drunken driving arrest in late August.

“We did it on a trial run, just to see if it would work,” the source said. “The arresting officer wasn’t aware that our plan worked to perfection.”

Meanwhile, business at Gino’s reportedly has skyrocketed after the incident. Employees said that men were showing up with dates and ordering the “Prem Beaujolais.”

Leaders Give Jindal Homemade Artwork

In an effort to put political strife behind them, last month State House Speaker Jim Tucker and Senate President Joel Chaisson formally presented Governor Bobby Jindal with a portrait of the chief executive made with elbow macaroni and construction paper.

Jindal expressed his appreciation for the gift, saying it officially marked an end to any lingering controversy over proposed legislative pay raises this summer. Nevertheless, Chaisson said he planned to “seal the deal” by surprising Jindal with a macramé dodecahedron he made in summer camp last year.

Corrections & Clarifications

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

The Catholic Church has not endorsed Sen. John McCain for president.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.