Bank CEO: This Money Is Mine

The Great Big Story

You can’t have any money, because you gave your money to First Union Savings, and now it belongs to the bank, First Union president W. Thomas Klein told depositors in October.

Klein added that it doesn’t matter what’s going on in the financial markets or what the newspaper says, you can’t just come in here and get money. It doesn’t work that way. If you didn’t want First Union to have your money, you shouldn’t have set up direct deposits.

He advised all customers – not just you – to go somewhere else if they’re having problems making ends meet.

“Talk to your boss, start a rap group, or sell your body on the street,” Klein said. “This money is ours; you can’t have any.”

LSU Fair-Weather Fan Club Sets November Meeting

This month’s meeting of the LSU Fair-Weather Fans is set for 7 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 22 at the Perkins Rowe location of la Madeleine.

The main topic on the agenda is whether the Tigers will ever win another game ever again ever. Following that is a panel discussion on alternative football teams to root for in the state and other leagues.

The meeting will close with the usual pledge from members to pull for LSU when LSU feels like playing.

The meeting is open to the public, but only club members are allowed to speak. Meals are at attendants’ own expense.

Report: BRAC Leader Is Former Cloud City Denizen

Adam Knapp, president of the Baton Rouge Area Chamber, is in reality a cyborg communications specialist known as Lobot, local sources alleged in October.

Though the reports could not be confirmed by press time, sources said Knapp assumed his new identity after fleeing Cloud City, shortly after the gas-mining colony was abruptly abandoned by former owner Lando Calrissian.

“Look at the pics, bro,” one source said on condition of anonymity. “All he did was take the Bluetooth® things off his head. It’s the same dude.”

Sources said that, while they weren’t necessarily displeased with Knapp or even certain what his professional duties are, Baton Rouge and Cloud City “deserve to know the truth.”

Reached at BRAC headquarters, Knapp refused comment, pointed towards the door, and electronically summoned two security bots.

This Month’s Guest Columnist:
Gerald Wilson – Bricklayer, Addis

X-105 says it cares about me. They said it at the end of the drunk-driving commercial they played after the Aerosmith rock block. But how much do they care?

Apparently, not enough to give me money.

I got laid off two months ago, so imagine how happy I was when I heard they cared about me. I mean, the DJ guy sounded like he was really concerned.

So when I got home, I dialed the station and had two questions. First, could they play some Great White and dedicate it to my wife? “Sure, no problem.” Then I asked for $500 to make it through to next week. The DJ guy kind of laughed me off and said, “Couldn’t we all use a couple hundred bucks.”

I tried to explain my situation. “Look,” I told him, “I’ve been laid off, and I could really use the money. Just until we scrape together the rent for next month. It would really come in handy, especially before Christmas.”

The DJ asked if I was serious. I reassured him that I was definitely serious. I’m a hard-working, honest American, down on his luck, looking for a hand up, not a hand out.

The DJ laughed again and hung up.

This is how X-105 cares about me? They laugh and hang up on a skilled worker who is a victim of a crumbling U.S. housing market?

Well, I tell you what, X-105 – from now on, I’m listening to Eagle 98. That’s right. I won’t be listening to your music or patronizing your advertisers. I won’t tell my friends to listen to any more rock blocks.

And I’m going to tell everybody the truth. X-105 cares about you – as long as it doesn’t involve money.

Corrections & Clarifications