Southeast Louisiana Worried About Image After Klan Incident

The Great Big Story

COVINGTON – Despite a fatally violent Klan ritual that took place there in November, southeastern Louisiana has modern industry, good schools, and the internet, officials from several area parishes insisted last month.

“Everybody from Amite to Mandeville has indoor plumbing,” Covington Mayor Candice Watkins said. “We take baths regularly, I swear to God.”

Tangipahoa Parish Council President Gordon Burgess added that Hammond has a college, rap music, and a Chinese restaurant. “We have satellite TV. We’re not some rural backwater of society,” he said.

St. Tammany Council President Kevin Davis said his office has been reassuring business contacts that the Klan group was mostly from out of state and that the area’s reputation will not suffer.

“I talked to some people in New York, and the Super Target is still coming,” he said.

LSU Fans: Season a Success Despite Team’s 7-5 Finish

LITTLE ROCK – “F–k Arkansas,” said David Watkins, “LSU still has seven wins.”

Watkins, an LSU fan from Baton Rouge who spent almost 15 goddam miserable hours on the road to watch that piss-poor game in War Memorial Stadium, said Arkansas’ sh–tty-ass team still isn’t going to a bowl game.

“Yeah, we lost,” said Cheryl Atkins of St. Amant, another Tiger fan who traveled to the game. “But at least we get to leave this sh–thole of a state.”

Several LSU fans who stopped at a Waffle House in Shreveport on the return trip insisted that they still lay claim to the best college football tailgating and that they hope all the Razorbacks choke and die on the grilled pork bones they left behind after the game.

“We’re gonna get f–ked on a bowl game,” said Nathan Israel of St. Gabriel. “F–k it. I don’t care. I hope the Florida and Bama planes crash on the way to Atlanta. F–k it, man.”

BR’s Top 5 Catchphrases for 2009

5. “As Dave Treen is my witness.”

4. “Fox’s ghost is watching.”

3. “Have some mesothelioma and a smile.”

2. “I’m just blowing Gustav up your Saban.”

1. “I’ll have what Kip’s having.”

DPW Engineer Admits Owning Bicycle

Local bicycling enthusiasts were surprised to learn in November that Peter Newkirk, the East Baton Rouge Parish Department of Public Works engineer, has a bicycle.

“Aha!” shouted Abe Dougherty, an Old Goodwood resident and frequent bicycle rider who regularly ties up rush-hour traffic along Jefferson Highway. “Peter friggin’ Newkirk has a bike. He has a bike! I knew it!”

Newkirk has come under criticism after acknowledging an internal audit showed the department regularly disregards “Smart Growth” principles in its improvement projects, despite its self-stated goal to incorporate them.

Dougherty joined other local biking promoters in saying the fact that Newkirk owns a bicycle proves he is hypocritical.

Newkirk, however, insisted he hasn’t ridden the 1970s-era Schwinn in at least 20 years and that all bike paths lead straight to hell.

Bush to Get “To’ Down” After Leaving Office

According to published reports, President George W. Bush plans to commemorate the end of his term in office by getting totally drunk.

“He’s going to get to’ down from the flo’ down,” one close associate told The Wall Street Journal.

Citing other unnamed sources, the paper reported that the nation’s 43rd chief executive has been secretly stockpiling aged whiskey and other hard liquor since the U.S. housing market began nose-diving in 2007 in preparation for his departure from Washington, D.C.

“The war. The economy. Scooter Libby. Jack Abramoff. Gas prices. All that’s been adding up,” one source told the paper. “As soon as he gets back to Crawford (Texas), the president is going to turn on ESPN Classic and get loaded like a freight train.”

This Month’s Guest Columnist: Charles Ferrin – President, The Scott Rogers Fan Club

Dear Fellow Roger-istas,

As we begin a new year, I think it’s a good time for all of us to reflect on what a treasure Scott Rogers truly is for Baton Rouge.

Baton Rouge politics has its John McGinnis. Sports has its Jimmy Ott and J.R. Ball. And love has its Holly Clegg.

But in a time when this big ol’ world is getting so crazy, and we rely increasingly on Oprah Winfrey and The View for common sense (no offense, J.R.), we should remember our dose of reality has been here all along.

With his natty wardrobe, splendidly spiky pate, and silky British lilt, Scott beams into our living rooms each and every Saturday morning with occasional repeats on cable channel 9. We’re handed heaping doses of good news and meaty softballs on silver platters of sublime digital airwaves. And all we’re asked in return is to suffer through a few commercial breaks for our gobs of Scotty goodness.

If you’re feeling all dumpy with war and the sagging U.S. dollar, don’t despair. If the collapse of the housing market, the Big Three automakers, and the entire U.S. economy has you on the rim of the poop-chute of life, don’t become a Gloomy Gus.

Just do like me, and get yourself a good Rogering. Snuggle up to the TV every Saturday morning with a hot cup of joe, tune in, close your eyes, block out all the demons, and just let it happen. You’ll be glad you did.

Loves,

Charles

“Off the Wire” Corrections

All the guys at St. Michael the Archangel need a haircut.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Not everyone who enjoys cosmopolitans is gay.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Tamika Watson’s red highlights are real.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.