Area Capitalist Booted From U.S. Economy

The Great Big Story

After a braggadocios declaration this fall that he simply “wouldn’t take part” in an economic recession, Baton Rouge Business Report co-publisher Julio Melara was abruptly expelled from the U.S. economy in December.

Friends say that, in response, Melara has launched a weekly letter-writing campaign, desperately imploring the economy to take him back.

“In our time apart, I’ve come to understand many things in life,” he reportedly confessed in one letter. “It’s true what they say: You never know what you have until you’ve lost it. I’ve lost you, U.S. Economy, and I want you back. I want you to want me back, and I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve learned my lesson, and I can change.”

In the meantime, Melara has been using candles to light his home and occasionally admonishes family members for throwing out aluminum soft-drink cans.

“We can get money for these!” Melara was heard shouting in December.

Nigerian Email Declares Greco Lottery Winner

Metro Councilman Joe Greco came forward in December as the lucky winner of a 50-million-Euro lottery.

Greco, who admitted he didn’t realize he’d been entered in the contest, held a news conference in which he claimed a recent email from the Queen’s Bank of Nigeria confirmed him as the winner.

He said that, as soon as the bank clears his $89.95 check for processing and handling fees, he’ll begin receiving his winnings in monthly installments.

Meanwhile, the councilman said he is planning a news conference next month for a separate announcement regarding his penis size.

LSU Fan Asks Date for Bleaux Job

ATLANTA – Disappointed by LSU’s performance in the Chick-fil-A Bowl on New Year’s Eve, Joey Braud of Gonzales sought consolation from his date, Jennifer Sanders, in the form of oral sex.

Friends say Braud, a junior engineering major, solicited a “bleaux job” from Sanders, a sophomore accounting major from Houston and his girlfriend since the spring semester, as the group had drinks near the Georgia Dome following the game.

“We were at a bar, and they were really drunk and getting all touchy-feely,” said Derrek Marshall, Braud’s roommate. “Joey looks at Jennifer and says, ‘Why don’t we go back to the hotel room, and you can … you know.’ Except Joey says he’s Cajun, and then he spells it B-L-E-A-U-X. It was really sick.”

Marshall said he returned to the darkened hotel room several hours later to find Braud snoring loudly in bed while Sanders was involved in a tearful cell phone conversation with her mother.

Absence of Retiree’s Angry Letters to Advocate Editor Sparks Concern

Friends of Baker resident John Richland expressed concern in December after not seeing any of the retired union member’s letters on The Advocate’s opinion page for two weeks.

“It’s not like John to be so quiet, especially with all this stuff going on in Detroit,” Alex Hall said. “The longest he’s ever gone without saying anything is a day or two, three at the most.”

Richland is one of a dwindling number of aging Advocate readers who still regularly contribute vapid, angry screeds to the letters page in lieu of having friends or family members to listen to them.

Noted old person Fred Dent Jr., himself an occasional contributor to The Advocate’s letters page, said that Richland’s departure would leave the area with just three known, elderly, angry letter-writers.

“It’s just a different generation,” Dent said before launching into a tirade about these kids today.

This Month’s Guest Columnist: Truvy Deblieux – Zachary secessionist

First, let me say this has nothing to do with black people. I have nothing against them or Mexicans. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But the north part of the parish just doesn’t think the same as the rest of East Baton Rouge.

I know on paper it says we’re incorporated into one, big, happy parish. But we don’t want anything to do with Baton Rouge. That’s just how we are, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either.

We have better schools, better roads, less crime, less traffic. And why do you think we’re better than the big city? We take care of ourselves. We don’t want our kids, our wives, and our money mixing with people down there. You may not like it, but it’s how we feel.

Yes, even though the parish is supposed to be incorporated, your tax dollars pay for separate police forces as well as the sheriff’s department, separate school districts, and separate municipal governments. But we’re equal. And separate but equal is equal.

Once again, I know what you’re thinking, but it has nothing to do with the racial composition of Baker, Zachary, Central, and other places up here. We have church fairs and quilting bees and pictures of Eisenhower hanging on our living room walls. So what?

Next year, our plan will be complete. Zachary will leave the parish, and then we’ll leave the state and the union. We’ll become our own country. Our own kingdom. We’ll still have economic trade with the United States, but you’ll need a passport to get here. It’s not that we don’t want outsiders. It’s just for safety’s sake. We have to control diseases and terrorism. And “parish” is a Catholic thing, anyway.

So hey, Baton Rouge, stay in your own area and quit worrying about the north part of the parish. We don’t even care what color you are or your sexual preference.

“Off the Wire” Corrections