The Great Big Story

Anyone unfortunate enough to have been roped into driving to an LSU football game knows the nightmare of navigating the traffic after the game.

The Baton Rouge Police Department has come up with many solutions over the years, including having officers manually redirect traffic and setting up a contraflow system as is used during hurricane evacuations, but even with these genius ideas, postgame traffic continues to be a problem.

“I spent most of my time as an officer on a motorcycle,” said LeDuff, “so I’ve had a unique opportunity to study civic planning, specifically in the realm of traffic control.

“In my opinion, the biggest cause of traffic is all those friggin’ cars. They’re just there, every weekend, like clockwork. Hopefully, my new plan will take care of that.”

The new postgame traffic pattern will route all vehicles exiting Tiger Stadium onto Nicholson, filing into a single lane onto I-10 West, where they will continue across the Horace Wilkinson Bridge. It is at this point that the police department is hoping to correct congestion problems once and for all.

“Working with the State Police as well as DPW and the Army Corps of Engineers, we’re removing 50 yards of the road surface of the bridge at its peak. The line of vehicles will continue to this point and then exit the bridge, 175 feet directly into the river below.

“We’re lucky enough to have the highest bridge across the river right here in Baton Rouge, so the solution just presented itself. By most calculations, it should only take one or two home games before traffic isn’t even an issue.”

The chief continued: “The beauty of this plan is that it won’t only resolve the problem of game-day traffic; it will also resolve general congestion the rest of the year. Even our most conservative estimates figure we can take almost 30,000 cars off the road, making Baton Rouge one of the most progressively green cities in the country.”

Cat Stuck in Tree; Locals Baffled

The Garden District was in an uproar last weekend over the mysterious appearance of a cat in one of the oaks on Park Blvd.

“We have no clue how it got up there,” one resident was quoted as saying.

Fire Chief Ed Smith found himself and his department dumbfounded.

“Well, it’s a cat … we’re pretty sure … and it’s stuck … up a tree. Beyond that, we have nothing. I mean, if it was on fire, sure, we’d be all over it, but this is beyond our expertise.”

Several firefighters on the scene suggested setting the tree aflame, in the hopes that the cat would catch.

“If that happens, and the chances are pretty good, considering how furry it is, we could put it out with the hose and hopefully knock it right off the branch,” said one of the firemen. “Only problem is, we’ve spent all this time learning how to put out fires, nobody here knows how to start one.” He then turned away to light a cigarette.

Several experts were called in, including Dean of the LSU Veterinary School Dr. Peter F. Haynes. After several minutes, he informed everyone that it was indeed a cat, specifically, a German Rex.

“It more than likely climbed up there using its ‘claws,’” (he later explained these are like human fingernails but “pointy”) “since all our research at the current moment suggests that cats are wholly incapable of flight.”

After calming the crowd, he went on to explain that, given time, the cat would eventually grow hungry and pass out, and Animal Control could easily retrieve it from the bushes.

Officer Found Roaming Councilman’s Property, Licks Own Genitals

Mandy, a Belgian Malinois police dog that went missing last month, was found roaming the yard of Metro Councilman Scott Wilson.

The councilman recognized Mandy from images shown on local news affiliates. “It was kind of tough at first,” said Wilson, “what with her head buried in her crotch.”

Police Chief Jeff LeDuff has welcomed Mandy back to the force after citing her for behavior unbecoming an officer.

“I’ve docked her pay and am holding her badge for the time being. I want her cooling her heels, pushing paper for a couple of weeks.

“Police work can be tough; it wears on an officer. If I had a quarter for every cop I’ve had to reprimand for being found in public licking their crotch … well, I’d probably have a buck-twenty-five.”

Murder Accused Murder Suspects Released After Murder Witnesses Murdered

Charges against three suspected Murderers were dropped after three witnesses to the Murder were Murdered.

The Murder of the first two witnesses led to the charges against the suspects being downgraded from first-degree Murder to second-degree Murder then to second-degree battery before the Murder of a third witness led Judge Trudy White to dismiss the case.

Honest to God, District Attorney Hillar Moore stated the following: “This is three witnesses in one case killed. It’s really disheartening. We’re not sure of the relationship to this case, but we’re looking.”

He then donned a Kevlar vest and hopped into an armored, windowless police vehicle.

“Off the Wire” Corrections:

Last month, we reported that Zatarain’s Crab Boil is an effective spermicide.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error and apologizes for any inconvenience.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

This month, we meant to publish a story about how this is a satirical news column, but we were interrupted by Kanye West, who informed us that he was “really happy for” us and was going to “let [us] finish” but that “The Onion is the greatest satirical news platform of all time.”