The Great Big Story

Recent issues with the proposed “Alive” project have forced Mayor-President Kip Holden to seek outside the usual talent pool for help with the design, in the hopes that his new consultants can improve public opinion about the plan.

Holden has suggested the city hire on the cast and crew of The 13th Gate to design and implement changes to the proposed attraction so that the already popular venue can bring along extra support.

While owner Dwayne Sanburn could not be reached for comment, Mayor Holden was quick with some opinions of his own.

“I think The 13th Gate is the perfect addition to an already stellar concept. We noticed early on that not everyone could get behind naturalist concepts like wetland conservation. So we put our heads together and thought, ‘Hey! What if the wetlands had swamp monsters in them!’

“From there it was just a natural flow of ideas. We can’t wait until the public gets a look at the zombie-filled, post-Katrina Ninth Ward exhibit.”

Migrant Workers Lost to Poor Planning

A local farm owner is in hot water after losing several migrant workers due to what can only be described as a case of lack of foresight. The owner of the Cajun Country Corn Maze lost 10 of his day laborers after he sent them into his field to harvest the stalks after the close of his seasonal maze.

Throughout our interview, we could hear the occasional faint cries of the helpless workers, lost in the intricate labyrinth of sweet corn.

When asked if he was worried about losing his investment, the owner replied, “Oh, no. Those guys are cheap. But if we don’t get that corn soon, it’s gonna spoil. I’m just iffy about sending another group of guys out there. If there’s too many, they’ll trash my tiller blades when I mow down the stalks.”

Local Businesses Fall Victim to H1N1

Having already suffered the loss of many workers to swine flu, Baton Rouge businesses are still struggling to rebuild consumer confidence in the safety of shopping.

A spokesman for the retailer commented on the strange response: “It’s ridiculous. We don’t even have our piggy mascot around out front anymore. People were running out the parking lot scared to death, thinking they were going to catch swine flu from a guy in a costume. As if a dancing anthropomorphic pig butcher isn’t terrifying enough.”

While there is speculation local superstitions have touched other facilities, business owners for the most part have remained tightlipped. Neither Swine Palace nor Porky’s BBQ could be reached for comment.

Sharpton Once Again in Spotlight Over Holiday Issues

The Reverend Al Sharpton has found his way into the national spotlight once again, this time in a controversy that has befuddled everyone, including the majority of the black community.

The “hole” the Rev. Sharpton intends to fill involves the title of the day after Thanksgiving. If the reverend has his way, media outlets will soon be encouraging shoppers to get out and shop on “African-American Friday” this year.

The likelihood of the legislation getting passed is slim, since no one in the House or Senate has been willing to take up Mr. Sharpton’s cause.

Green Movement Intruding on Human Rights

Homeless groups are up in arms against a new facet of the green movement.

Made up almost entirely of college-aged naturalists and Prius drivers, the groups have become quite organized, in some cases stripping a full dumpster down to gleaming metal in a matter of minutes.

One homeless man was willing to comment under the condition of anonymity: “It’s freaky!” he said. “I thought the aliens that took me back to Europa and diddled my nethers were weird. These people reek worse than me, and their women are covered in hair. How can I compete with that?”

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Last month, we mistakenly reported that condoms can be used twice if turned inside out and gently washed.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

In April, OTW stated that cats have no souls and work in collusion with ginger children to steal your breath in the middle of the night.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

It has come to our attention that Pope Benedict XVI was not, in fact, the actor who played Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars movies. That honor went to Ian McDiarmid.