The Great Big Story

Local real estate investor Richard Preis is looking to expand his enterprises following the Metro Council’s decision last month to not allow him to appeal the Historic Preservation Commission’s claim that he is allowing his seven rental properties in Spanish Town to deteriorate just so he can have them demolished and sell the land to condo developers.

Preis insists that what he’s doing is nothing more than an attempt to drag Baton Rouge into the 21st century.

Preis was more than willing to continue with his assessment of Baton Rouge’s architectural wasteland.

“Take that massive mansion right near the River Center. Do we really need both an Old State Capitol and a new State Capitol? Really? They just use it for setting up jury duty.

“That is prime commercial space. Can’t you just picture it? I could have a Dave and Buster’s up in that location in three months if they’d just let me.”

Mr. Preis then trailed off as his eyes glazed over and he kept repeating, “Tokens and dinner for just $15. Glorious …”

Publishing World Braces for 2011

Penguin, Bantam, Doubleday … all of them are quaking in their proverbial boots in anticipation of what has been called the “Dawn of Illiteracy.” Publishers worldwide are terrified of the forecasted doomsday when the unimaginable will happen: Oprah will end her show.

In fact, businesses at all levels of the book world are nervous about losing what can only be called the greatest champion of literature that the world has ever seen.

A member of the LSU English department was quoted as saying, “That woman did nothing less than save us all from a future of being forced to compose written works in our kitchens with refrigerator magnets.

“What will become of us now? After Oprah leaves, no one will read anything ever printed on paper again!”

Red Shtick attempted to reach Oprah for comment, but the assistant who answered the phone insisted she couldn’t come to the phone as she was feasting on the souls of the innocent with Rachael Ray.

Tea Partiers Complaining About Obama … Again

Local members of the newly invented Tea Party are up in arms again over issues with President Barack Obama – this time involving certain faux pas they insist he committed while on his Asian tour last month.

“Why should an American president even bother to leave the soil of the greatest country on the planet? What’s he running away from, huh? What’s he so afraid of? Huh? Huh?”

(The interview was briefly interrupted as Grey turned away to adjust his hood and reseat his pistol in its holster, despite the fact that we were speaking outside of a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant.)

Grey continued, “And then there was his mistakes in the foreign countries themselves; take Japan for instance. I heard when he met the emperor or whatever they got over there in raw fish land he bowed like he was the dude’s bitch or something.

“What the hell is that all about? We bombed them back into the Stone Age in 1945 and he’s bowing to them? That’s bullsh–t!”

After being reminded that President Richard Nixon bowed to Japanese Emperor Hirohito, the man who approved the attack on Pearl Harbor, Grey contended that Nixon didn’t bow as deeply as Obama did.

“I guess it’s true what they say,” Grey pondered. “Black guys really do go deeper.”

Women’s Panties in a Wad Over Their Naughty Bits

American women have raised a heavy vocal opposition to recently released mammogram guidelines from the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force. The new guidelines have adjusted the frequency as well as the age at which women should receive mammograms.

“I’ve worked in the women’s underwear department of Walmart for two years now. They is nothing out there ’bout boobies I can’t tell you!

“They think they’re so important just cause they have studies and stuff like that. I posted my opinion on Yahoo! Answers. People should listen to me.”

The recent changes in the guidelines follow research that shows too-frequent mammograms are unnecessary, as the cancers they find grow slowly enough to still be detected with fewer tests. The hope is that the changes will save some women the undue stress and discomfort of unnecessary tests and frequent false positives.

When informed that there have also been adjustments to pap smear guidelines, the interviewee answered, “That’s disgusting.”

“Off the Wire” Corrections

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Michelle Obama’s father was not, in fact, a former alien predator who hunted men for sport.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.