Car Dealers Vow to Weather Bad Economy

The Great Big Story

McLEAN, Va. – For the sweet love of Jesus and all that is holy and sacred, please, we’re begging you: Buy a car, U.S. auto dealers pleaded in January.

These deals are tremendous, and they won’t last forever, dealers added, and Americans must act now. Right f–king now! There’s never been a better time to buy, and families should go to their nearest dealership immediately to prevent their patriotism from being called into question.

“Am I gonna have to get on my knees? Is that what it takes?” asked Phillip D. Brady, president of the National Auto Dealers Association. “OK, look, I’m on my knees. My goddam knees. Now, please, oh, Christ Jesus, please take advantage of zero-percent financing, an incredible selection, employee pricing and outrageous rebates, please! Will you just look at the car? Look at the goddam car!”

Publisher Targets Area Nerds
With New “π” Magazine

Running desperately low on unused rational integers for magazine titles, Baton Rouge Business Report publisher Rolfe McCollister next month will debut “π” for area nerds.

The quarterly publication, named for the ratio used in Euclidean geometry, will offer features on local Wi-Fi hotspots, area hackers, and backyard astronomy, among other topics that appeal to pimply-faced geeks who lack social lives.

“We thought pi was better than our second choice of ‘mole,’” McCollister said, referring to (6.023 x 1023), used in the stoichemical equation for calculating mass.

McCollister also plans to pen a political column for the new magazine, “Rolfe’s Constant,” denoted as r, a take on h, Planck’s Constant, the unvarying ratio of quantum radiation energy to its frequency.

“I’m not saying I’ll understand everything we write about,” the publisher added. “But we wanted a new way to reach south Louisiana with the advertorial pap we parade as content.”

Final Two Ethnicities Vie
for Calongne Smear Target

Then there were two: Latinos and Vietnamese shrimpers.

Those groups emerged as finalists in an unusually heated contest this year to determine which ethnic minority will be smeared in Laurinda Calongne’s campaign for the state Senate. Latinos, the defending champions and many analysts’ favorite once again this year, entered the final round by ending a Cinderella run by Hindus in last month’s semi-finals. The Vietnamese, meanwhile, staved off a late push from Inuit seal hunters.

Head coach Escobar Ramirez said Latinos have been snapping up crop harvesting and housecleaning jobs throughout the district and will be in “primera” form for the March championship.

Duc Van Nguyen, Ramirez’s Vietnamese counterpart, said his fellow shrimpers have been clogging high-profile welfare and unemployment offices throughout the area.

The winning group will be used as cultural scapegoats when Calongne resumes her straw-grasping attempt to gain elected office.

BR Pro Tem Befuddled by New Computer

Installing a personal computer in the Mayor Pro Tem’s office seemed like a good idea at the time, but Metro Councilman Mike Walker’s task now is learning how to operate the device, he confided to friends in February.

Walker reportedly acknowledged to associates he was familiarizing himself with high-tech terms like “email,” “spreadsheet,” “mouse,” and “clicking.”

“I know how to turn it on, and the tech boy said it’s OK to leave it on,” Walker said. “They also used a picture of my granddaughter for something called a screensaver.”

The computer is one of a number of improvements Walker is making to the office since succeeding former Pro Tem Joe Greco. Other changes include the addition of lighting, furniture, running water, electricity, and a U.S. flag bearing all 50 stars.

Holtz Agrees to Be Fitted With Spittle Cup

NEW YORK – Facing a network ultimatum, ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz agreed in January to be fitted with a spittle cup.

George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN Networks, said Holtz, who suffers from a painfully distracting speech impediment as well as dementia, had been drawing increasing complaints from his fellow on-air personalities.

“Mark May and Rece Davis have shown remarkable patience,” Bodenheimer said of Holtz’s co-hosts. “But the guys are spending a small fortune on eyeglass-cleaning wipes and antiseptic spray.”

Details are still being finalized, but Bodenheimer indicated the spittle-cup device would be similar to one worn by former New Orleans radio personality Buddy Diliberto. Bodenheimer also said Holtz “has agreed in principle” to avoid eating or drinking at least 10 minutes before each on-air segment.

This Month’s Guest Columnist:
Tony the Tiger – Gas station mascot

… Approach thy grave
Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch
About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

– William Cullen Bryant, “Thanatopsis”

GROSSE TETE – Someone, anyone: Fetch a gun, put it to my head, and squeeze the trigger. I don’t care who you are, but do it quickly. Do it now.

Forced between a “life” of being whored for gasoline in a place that’s about 7,000 degrees hotter than my DNA ever intended, or freedom at the hands of whiny, Birkenstock-wearing environmentalist pussies, I choose a bullet to my Bengal cranium.

Perhaps barbaric captivity and raison d’être for self-righteous, glory-mongering naturalists is some perverse justice for my erstwhile noble breed. After all, if I had entered this world just a few centuries ago, I would have been hunting down your children and eating them while you watched, sobbing in horror with puny little flint-tipped spears in hand.

But I’m tired of being the subject of litigation and the nuance of parish ordinances. I’ve grown weary of these gawking TV cameramen and smelly, sweaty tourists in the midst of Stuckey’s pecan roll withdrawal.

This concrete floor is itchy, and now I long for the sweet release that only death can bring.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

WAFB-TV’s holiday promotional segments titled “Anchors on Ice” were unrelated to crystal meth.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

New York Sen. Hillary Clinton cannot unhinge her lower jaw.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Trips right, R-zoom, 984 H-fly, not pro right aces, Y-zoom, screen left, 346-swing fake, on 3.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Coming Next Month

“Fire Make Jindal Angry!”