Area Super Bowl Party Wrecked by Teen’s Ignorance of Springsteen

The Great Big Story

The festive spirit of Tom and Linda Roberson’s Super Bowl party at their University Club home abruptly ended when one guest’s teenage son could not identify rock legend Bruce Springsteen during the game’s halftime show.

Others attending the party recalled an awkward silence after 15-year-old Brandon Pierre asked, “Who’s the old, hoarse guy singing off-key?” as Springsteen groaned through “Glory Days.”

Some guests reportedly began slipping out of the Robersons’ home, while others feigned laughter and retreated to the patio to refresh their drinks.

Later that week, Jonathon Pierre telephoned the Robersons and several other guests to apologize for his son’s ignorance and assure them Brandon had been severely beaten.

U.S. Consumers Scolded for Dismal Holiday Shopping

U.S. retailers said last month they hope American consumers are happy: Because of their money-hoarding, the 2008 holiday shopping season was the worst in years.

“Do you know what your lack of spending is going to do to my inventory quotas and revolving credit line?” retailers scolded. “How could you do this, you little a–holes?”

Consumers tried to explain, blaming fear over the worsening economy and worries about job loss for their reining in of spending during the holidays.

“Oh, Bravo. Bravo,” retailers responded while applauding sarcastically. “I guess you’re happy with yourself and that pathetic bullsh–t.”

Retailers shook their heads, then stomped out of the room, vowing, “there’s gonna be some goddam changes around here.”

The Gold Club Reveals Its Own Stimulus Package

Vowing to send the country into a sweaty frenzy of turgid recovery, The Gold Club unveiled its own stimulus package last month to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”

Busty Rains, this month’s Sexy Secretary of Sex, slowly revealed her entire package during a totally public meeting that included two-dollar, ice-cold longnecks and a free visit to the club’s award-winning buffet.

“Put your hands together, fellas, and make some noise for Busty,” Rains said through her spokesman, DJ Nasty Jeff, after the presentation.

Rains did not take questions about details of her package but offered special one-on-one viewings in the Gold Club VIP room.

CLA Crusaders Heading for Middle East

Ceremonies were held last month to commemorate the Christian Life Academy Crusaders’ departure this summer to rid the Holy Land of Muslims.

The campaign culminates months of bake sales, car washes, and other fundraisers to buy the high schoolers’ medieval armor and weaponry.

“It’s gonna be awesome slaughtering the nonbelievers,” Aaron Sheffield, a CLA sophomore, said while honing his jousting skills with “Comanche,” his two-year-old quarter horse. “I feel just like Heath Ledger in that knight movie.”

B.R. Daughters of 1812 Threaten Lawsuit

Baton Rouge’s chapter of the Daughters of 1812 threatened last month to file suit to expel a member who allegedly does not have the proper ancestral provenance.

Chapter President Sarah Grace said the group might have no other alternative after Sh’Londa “She-Boo” Jackson ignored numerous demands for genealogical proof she is a direct descendant of a War of 1812 combatant.

“Aw, f–k them bitches,” Jackson said when asked about the potential litigation. “I told them my great-great-great-granddaddy fought in that f–kin’ war. ’Cause he did. Proof? Yo’ man, f–k that sh–t.”

This Month’s Guest Columnist:
Sonny Delveccio – Lifelong LSU Baseball Fan

Get the f–k out of my tailgating spot.

Yeah, I said my tailgating spot, you nouveau riche piece of trash.

I don’t give a sh–t what time you got here this morning. Pack up your pussy little hibachi grill and folding chairs, put your snot-nosed little bastard kids back inside your minivan, and get the f–k out of my tailgating spot.

Hey, a–hole, see that guy right there? That’s my brother-in-law, Ralph. The goombah on the other side is Sal, my other brother-in-law. We been tailgating here since all the way back in ’03. And I’m telling you, you ain’t man enough to take my spot, so get the f–k out.

Don’t make me whip your ass. So help me God, if I step out of this Denali, I’m going to whip your skinny little granola bar asses all the way down Nicholson.

Get the f–k out.

No, don’t talk. Just get the f–k out.

I have been patient with you, buddy. Now get the f–k out.

What? Well, go get the police. Pack up your sh–t and go get the goddam police. Just get the f–k out, so I can have my tailgating spot and enjoy this beautiful f–king Sunday afternoon.

Yeah, whatever, you f–king hippies. Go watch a tennis game.

F–king snapperheads.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Former Governor Edwin Edwards objects to being referred to as jailbait.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Until further notice, the third-floor bathroom is best for afternoon pooping.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

The pause was pregnant, not your sister.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Coming Next Month

N.O. congressman spits mad rhymes.