Facing Budget Crisis, Jindal Turns to eBay

The Great Big Story

In a last-ditch effort to solve the state’s staggering budget shortfall, Governor Bobby Jindal ordered “Video Professor” John Scherer’s instructional CD-ROM series on making money through eBay.

As part of the emergency plan announced in late April, Jindal also ordered his executive staff to scour the state for items to sell over the online auction site. Chief of Staff Timmy Teeple said items being prepared for sale could include Foster Campbell, Chandeleur Island, and ULL.

“Professor Scherer doesn’t guarantee we’ll become millionaires,” Teeple said. “But we will know all there is about selling things on eBay.”

Recession Forces 35% Cut in NPR Pretentiousness

With the economic recession dragging on, National Public Radio executives grudgingly announced in April they would slash the network’s artsy-fartsy pretense by 35 percent.

NPR’s chief executive, Vivian Schiller, said the cuts would be spread across the board starting in July.

“These are tough times, and I was hired to make this operation work,” said Schiller, who took over in January. “But listeners shouldn’t worry – we’re still going to be full of ourselves. I guarantee it.”

Schiller said details of the cuts are still being worked out. But analysts say the cuts likely will include polysyllabic words like “castigate” and “bucolic.” Other highbrow amenities said to be on the chopping block include baroque music, features on gay American-Indian basket weavers, and Frank DeFord appearances.

Top 5 Rejected Daily Report Poll Questions:

1. “Is Bobby Jindal the greatest governor in the history of Louisiana or the history of the world?”

2. “How disappointing is your homosexual child?”

3. “Who is your least favorite member of The Oak Ridge Boys?”

4. “Whose political career should Rolfe McCollister wreck with an endorsement?”

5. “Where did you get your seersucker suit?”

Frat Guy Proposes Toga Party

LSU senior and Sigma Nu fraternity president Dan Klegghorn has a monster idea for this spring’s Greek Grub: a blowout toga party!

“Dude, we can use bed sheets for togas,” Klegghorn suggested to his fraternity brothers recently. “Oh! And we can get a keg of beer! A whole f—king keg!”

Sophomore Clyde Hennigan added that he saw a similar party portrayed once in an old film his father still enjoys occasionally.

“It was so cool. The people in the movie danced to ’60s music performed by Negroes,” Hennigan said.

Rite-Aid Clerk Unappreciative of Pronunciation Correction

Sarah Benz-Jameson, a senior editor with LSU Press, insists she was simply being helpful last month when she corrected a local drugstore clerk’s pronunciation of “credit.”

“I gave her my card, and she asked, ‘Credick or debit?’” said Benz-Jameson, unaware of the ethnic financial patois. “I told her – gently – it’s pronounced ‘credit’ with a T, and that I know, because I edit books.”

Nevertheless, Rite-Aid cashier Florence Johnson responded with an icy stare and a sardonic “Well, excuse me, baby.”

Johnson concluded the transaction by asking Benz-Jameson if she would like her Virginia Slims in a bag, or would she like to just get the f—k out the store.

This Month’s Guest Columnist:
“Wig” – the Piggly Wiggly Mascot

So I’m knocking off on Monday, turning the corner to bleed the lizard, and right as I get to the door, John, the shift manager, corners me. “Hey, Wig, you got a sec?”

I just smiled and said, “Yeah, John, what’s up?” I mean, I just finished eight backbreaking, undercompensated hours for you. But what the hell can I do for you now, John? Huh? Tell me, John, now that my bladder just prolapsed right under my smock.

Before he even says anything, I know what’s on John’s mind. It’s that time of year for him to start breaking my balls about inter-office dating. Bossie the Deli Cow started her sh–t again, because we dated for a while last year, and she doesn’t have anything better to do.

I know dating and work don’t mix. It was a bad idea. But she kept giving me the eye every time I was over there to stock the deli kitchen, and I could tell she wanted it. So I gave it to her.

I took her out to a couple movies and bullsh–t dinner at the Olive Garden. I got a little hommina-hommina, but no big deal. I broke it off after a couple weeks, because she started getting all needy on me.

Now, here’s John fishing around for my balls. Look, I don’t have anything against him. He’s got a family and busts his ass, too. Pulls some doubles every once in a while. But why me? Why is it always my balls he needs to squeeze?

John says Bossie tells him I’m making her feel uncomfortable. She feels intimidated and I’m violating her personal space.

“What?”

“Yeah,” John says.

I’m making her feel uncomfortable. Now I have to come in for two hours the next three Saturdays to watch sensitivity-training videos.

John hates to do it, but the managers feel they need to cover their asses on this one.

Wow, my porcine heart is breaking right in front of you, John. I mean, never mind the fact her name is Bossie. But I need to take a little more sh–t so the boys higher up the food chain don’t run into any PR problems.

Yeah, I might be toast when John reads this. But you know what? F–k it. I don’t care. I’m a contributing member of society, and I’m a pig. You got opposable thumbs and a hippocampus, John, and you’re a shift manager at a grocery store.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

State Police cannot order contraflow on the Mississippi River.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Mayor Kip Holden was not a member of Skull and Bones.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

WAFB-TV news anchor Andre Moreau does not need more zhuzh to his hair.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Coming Next Month

New church forms at B.R. Beach.