Bill Would Mandate Hands-free Daiquiris

The Great Big Story

Civil liberties advocates vowed to vehemently oppose a bill filed in the Legislature that would mandate hands-free daiquiris for Louisiana motorists.

“Nobody’s saying you can’t enjoy a refreshing, ice-cold daiquiri,” Representative Austin Badon (D-New Orleans) said while introducing House Bill 371. “All we’re asking is that if you’re on the road, you keep both hands on the steering wheel.”

But American Civil Liberties Union officials in Louisiana complained that if it becomes law, the measure would do nothing more than add to the costs of owning a car by forcing drivers to buy hands-free devices.

ACLU Executive Director Marjorie R. Esman also said there was no data to suggest the change would improve auto safety.

Nevertheless, Badon said HB371 is expected to pass. And while acknowledging such a law would force drivers to buy a hands-free apparatus, the costs would be minimal, he said.

“Those beer-hat things are cheap and are easily modified to hold a frozen piece of heaven we call a daiquiri,” Badon said.

B.R. Children Inspired by Chelsea’s Saga

Inspired by the outpouring of public support for Chelsea’s nightclub, impoverished children in Baton Rouge applied for a liquor license in May, anticipating its revocation.

“Maybe people around here will give a sh–t about us,” said 8-year-old Marcus Derryman, a latch-key kid whose mother works three part-time jobs to make ends meet.

Shedra Jackson, an 11-year-old with a diet of phlegm and ramen noodles, said the city’s poor children should have thought of the botched-liquor-license strategy sooner. “If people are willing to crowd Judge Trudy White’s courtroom for a bar, maybe somebody at our hearing will give me a goddam ham sandwich.”

Jackson’s asthmatic brother, Cedric, pledged to help, too.

“If we get a liquor license, I’ll do everything I can to screw it up,” wheezed Cedric, who spends most days crawling through medical-waste dumpsters, hoping he’ll find a discarded inhaler good enough for even one puff. “And if the ABC board turns us down, maybe I can get my chronic wounds treated and my sister can go back on dialysis.”

Area Couple’s “Mama Birding” Grosses Out Restaurant Patrons

Baton Rouge newlyweds Justin and Chrissy Blakeland totally grossed out diners at The Chimes in May when they were seen “mama birding” each other food.

Sue Patterson reported feeling nausea after being unable to avoid watching the Blakelands feed partially chewed food directly into each other’s mouths.

“It was totally f–king disgusting,” said Patterson.

Patrons of the popular restaurant said they began impatiently tracking down waitstaff in attempts to quickly pay their tabs and leave.

Area resident Dan Clayton, who was having drinks with a date, said he watched the entire stomach-churning scene unfold.

“The woman would chew up some fried shrimp and stand over him with her mouth open. Then it would fall into his mouth, and she would say, ‘Such a good boy,’” Clayton said.

Fifth-graders Insist LSU Stadium Was Original “Death Valley”

The Baton Rouge Catholic school system has encouraged elementary students returning next fall to review basic geography this summer after fifth-graders at St. Aloysius insisted that Death Valley, California, was named after the LSU football stadium.

Teacher Terry Reynolds said getting her fourth-hour social studies class to admit another Death Valley even existed outside of Baton Rouge was itself an instructional accomplishment.

School officials acknowledged that Reynolds, who received her undergraduate degree from Penn State, was responsible for sparking the heated, weeks-long argument after telling students the SEC’s college football prowess is overstated and suggesting that the “Death Valley” moniker was idiomatically absurd, given that every game played at Tiger Stadium results in one team losing.

“When Ms. Reynolds tried to tell the class that the national park in southern California was there first, things really got out of hand,” said Sister Mary Frances Immaculata, St. Aloysius principal.

Immaculata said the school system will offer a list of geographical topics for review over the summer break, while Reynolds will review bowl-game scores over the past decade to remind her how sh–tty the Big Ten conference is.

Party Time!

What excuses are Baton Rougeans using to over-imbibe?

•Start of hurricane season – 3%
•Daughter’s 13th birthday party – 5%
•Loss of job – 8%
•It’s Tuesday – 22%
•Black Muslim president – 23%
•Rising cost of weed – 13%
•Death of Bea Arthur – 31%

Source: Alcoholics Anonymous

Picayune Capitol Reporter to Get Fourth Name

New Orleans Times-Picayune editors are so pleased with the work of capitol-beat reporter Robert Travis Scott they will award him a fourth name, newspaper officials confirmed in May.

Scott, who covers state government, is known for fluid, elegantly composed, New York Times-like prose.

Ashton Phelps Jr., the Picayune’s president and publisher, said that in return for “doing a totally cool job,” Scott will be allowed to add a fourth name to his byline, beginning with the new fiscal year in July.

Phelps said the list of potential names had been narrowed to “Bonaparte,” “Sebastian,” and “Edsel.”

“I think ‘Robert Travis Scott Bonaparte’ is a grand byline any journalist would love,” Phelps said. “And if the paper still has a pot to piss in come July, I know Robert will be pleased.”

This Month’s Guest Columnist:
David Vitter – U.S. Senator

Hi,

This is Senator David Vitter, and I’m inviting you to a telephone town hall meeting this afternoon.

This is your chance to ask questions and sound off on issues that are important to you and your community, so please take advantage of this opportunity. We want to hear from you!

To take part in our meeting, press 1. To voice your support for the meeting, even though you may not be able to take part, press 2. If you’d like a very special conversation with hot, one-on-one action, press 3. If you’re concerned that the Democrat-controlled government threatens our values and the country’s financial future, press 4. If you enjoy, oh, I don’t know, freaky stuff and getting all sudsy with other people, press 5. If you’d like to renew your vehicle warranty, which is about to expire, press 6, and remember: This is your last opportunity to renew your vehicle warranty.

Thank you for your attention and your involvement on issues that are important to this great nation and its wonderful citizenry.

God bless the USA, and God bless tits.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Last month’s wedding announcement “Stickit-Inhurr” apparently was a hoax. No such couple exists, and sex between humans and primates remains illegal in Pointe Coupee Parish.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Your car’s center console is, perhaps, not the best place to hide that weed after all.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Cocktails made from codeine cough syrup are typically illegal and should not have been included in our outdoor-party planning guide last month.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Coming Next Month

The countdown to college football begins.