The Great Big Story

Despite the downturn in the economy, several local developers haven’t given up on improving the seedier portions of Baton Rouge.

A recent bid to set up Tax Incremental Financing (TIF) for a hotel to be built in Perkins Rowe failed, despite arguments by its supporters that the area is “economically depressed.”

Senator Yvonne Dorsey explained it this way: “A blind man could see the area is suffering. There is a Levi Strauss store in there. Levi Strauss. Until Calvin Klein sees fit to open up shop in Perkins Rowe, we’ll never be able to keep the winos out.”

Small business owner Tommy Spinosa also spoke out: “I’m just a little guy trying to revitalize a dying portion of this town. The man’s just keepin’ me down! I can’t even pay my bills! You got a buck? I wanna buy a taco.”

 

South Carolina Governor Refuses to Be Swayed by Liberal Media

Mark Sanford, the Republican governor of South Carolina, spoke out against recent media calls for him to resign from the GOP altogether.

His fellow Republicans have stepped up to offer their support.

Senator David Vitter admitted amazement at Sanford’s media troubles. “I can’t believe they’re harassing him for a piece of ass he didn’t even pay for. Although how he keeps it up without a thousand dollars in cash laid out on the bed and a well-placed riding crop is nothing short of a miracle to me.”

Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig also came out in Sanford’s defense. “He’s only following in the wisdom set forth by so many of his all-American, conservative, Christian, family-value-driven predecessors. Great men like John Ensign, Bruce Barclay, Matthew Joseph Elliott, Vito Fossella, Robert McKee, Robert Allen, John Atchison, John Bryan, me, Richard Curtis, Donald Fleischman, Larry Dale Floyd, Ted Klaudt, Joseph M. McDade, Patrick Lee McGuire, Glenn Murphy Jr., Armando Tebano, Mark Foley, Jim Gibbons, Ted Haggard, Jeffrey Patti, Brent Schepp, David Hager, Jeff Miller, Dennis L. Rader, Don Sherwood, Fred Smeltzer Jr., Bobby Stumbo, Jim West, Paul Crouch, Richard Dasen Sr., Peter Dibble, Mike Hintz, Ed Schrock, Jack Ryan, David Swartz, Robin Vanderwall, Neil Bush, Dan Burton, Dan Crane, Henry Hyde, Newt Gingrich, Ken Calvert, Ted Bundy, Strom Thurmond, and Bob Livingston.”

Brandywine Adjusts Approach to Public Relations

The recent rash of “accidental” fires at Brandywine Apartments has forced the management to hire a professional to handle the press.

Asked how he felt about moving to an urban setting, Smokey replied, “My people have been moving into cities for years now. Just look at Detroit. The way we see it, we are only taking back the land that was stolen from us by the white man. I do, however, find the Kevlar vest a bit uncomfortable.”

Local “Lawyer/Author” Finds New Business Venture to Help Beat the Heat

Having recently been forced to remove his television commercials, local lawyer and author of 101 Uses for Fat People Eric “Cajun E” Guirard has found a new way to give Baton Rougeans a headache.

Guaranteed Snowcones opened recently downtown and is quickly snatching up business left and right.

Mr. Guirard, Esq. had to admit he has a definite advantage over the competition. “Nobody else out there is selling them out the trunk of an E-type Jaguar. The kids love it!!! Especially my signature recipe, ‘the E.’ It’s finely crushed ice, packed into a cone and covered in vinegar and water. It just came to me.”

Governor Jindal Takes High Road in State Funding

After receiving untold verbal abuse from Democrats for not taking stimulus money from President Obama, Governor Jindal has silenced his more liberal critics with a new fundraising idea.

Starting this fall, Louisiana will make history by being the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use.

By most estimates, the taxes garnered from sales will eliminate the state’s current debt, fund all existing highway improvements, and completely finish Mayor Ray Nagin’s initiative to rebuild the entire city of New Orleans out of pure milk chocolate.