Political Hopeful Arrested in Florida

The Great Big Story

Porn star and U.S. Senate hopeful Stormy Daniels was recently arrested in Florida and charged with domestic violence.

According to a local statute, “the use of a sexual device over 12” in diameter constitutes abuse.”

Ms. Daniels argued against the charges, saying that, as a professional, she shouldn’t be held to the same standards as the civilian public.

She went on to state that the Florida legislature also hadn’t taken into account the differences in the natural physiology of men from Florida versus men from Louisiana.

Local Businessmen Affected by New Technology

The highest-selling application for Apple’s iPhone was a position held for several weeks by iBeer, a program that simulates the user drinking a cold one.

Recently, it was replaced by iMeth, an application that simulates the user lighting and smoking methamphetamine. This is followed by the phone vibrating at a high rate for several hours.

Not everyone is happy about the new downloadable fix.

Local crystal producers are up in arms, arguing that the electronic substitute will come close to grinding the already slowing Livingston Parish economy to a halt.

“What we supposed to do fer moneys if’n they can jus’ lit up they ephones?” stated one distressed amateur pharmacist.

Several meth lab managers have gathered together to propose a lawsuit against Apple with the hope they can recover some of their lost income.

When asked about how he’s handling all the complaints, Livingston Parish Sheriff Willie Graves said, “Well, they’re admitting to running meth labs, sooooooo … we’re arresting them.”

Activists Hope for Change

A new resistance has formed in an attempt to oust President Barack Obama from office.

Dubbed the “birthers,” they are arguing against the legitimacy of his election on the grounds that he wasn’t born in the United States.

As proof, they cite the inability of the president to produce an authentic copy of his birth certificate, despite the Hawaiian government’s continued requests for a fax number to send the document to.

When asked about this, the leader of the movement replied, “We don’t need no devil boxes in our homes, spittin’ out magic letters and whatnot.”

The group argues that the Constitution states that the president must be a natural-born citizen of the United States, and the president was, in fact, born in Kenya and smuggled into the States stuffed into a balloon jammed in his mother’s rectum.

Obama has answered the charges by appearing on television to show off the pineapple tattoo on his left butt cheek that is issued at birth to all Hawaiians.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-California) has spoken out in support of the president. “I don’t see the problem; technically, the first seven presidents were all born on British soil. I think it’s time we opened our arms and our government to foreign-born politicians.”

Vick Returns to NFL

Having recently been released from serving time on dog-fighting charges, Michael Vick is being welcomed back into the NFL on a conditional basis.

A spokesman for the group stated the conditions include the ability to draw a crowd, sell merchandise, and refrain from fighting anything but a hangover during the season.

Our reporter asked Mr. Vick if he had any plans for rallying his new teammates before games.

“Best way I’ve found so far is to lock them in a cage and starve them until their ribs show,” he replied. “Then I park ’em next to another player in a cage and poke ’em with a sharp stick until they get all riled up.”

Mr. Vick was also asked if there was anything he missed from his time in prison.

He replied by staring wistfully into a passing cloud and saying, “Only the sex.”

Local Government Under Attack

The investigation continues after Baton Rouge Mayor-President Kip Holden was rushed to a hospital last month following a fainting spell.

Local police have narrowed the cause down to an “assault with a silent but deadly weapon” unleashed by an expert marksman.

It has been determined that an unknown assailant passed near the Mayor while he was seated and fired at him almost directly in the nostrils.

An officer working the investigation spoke on condition of anonymity. “The accuracy of the shot was amazing! There was almost no collateral damage. A little bit wafted to one of the back rows, but the gentleman it struck was able to blame it on the dog.”

“Off the Wire” Corrections

WAFB’s “Big Switch” had nothing to do with gender reassignment surgery.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

According to a letter from the Baton Rouge Police Department, the largest of the burritos at a local eatery are, in fact, perfectly legal; however, contrary to our roving reporter’s article, marijuana is not.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.