The Great Big Story

The new football season has geared up, and with it come concerns over possible new distractions during conference road games.

Head Coach Les Miles, though, expressed confidence in his team’s ability to stay focused.

“I understand people are still sore over losing the election and have been ranting about health-care reform and everything Rush Limbaugh tells them to at every conceivable public forum,” Miles said. “But understand this, my players will not be rattled by teabaggers in the stands.

“Any fans that try to teabag my team to make a point are going down and going down hard. It might be tough for them to swallow, but they’re [the protesters] going to swallow it, like it or not.”

Concerns about rival fans trying to intimidate the Tigers like Democratic members of Congress were originally raised last month after a crimson-clad man attended Auburn’s Fan Day. He reportedly openly wore a sidearm and displayed a sign that read “Obama is a Kenyan-born Muslim socialist communist Nazi antichrist hell-bent on destroying our country. ROLL TIDE!”

As for Miles’ players, they seem blithe about the whole matter. When asked about the possible distractions, one senior offensive lineman replied, “They want to ‘teabag’ us? What the f—k?”

Sheriff’s Office Okays New Dogfighting Ring

A debate that began at a recent school board meeting has finally been settled by the Sheriff’s Office. It seems local high school boys began hosting dogfights over the summer, and with the beginning of the school year, the competitions have moved out of backyards and into the classroom.

But don’t worry about having to clean up after these competitions; they’re confined to playing cards.

McKinley High sophomore and inventor of the game Aaron Wilson, 15, explained how the idea came to him:

“Well, it’s been all over the news ever since the whole Michael Vick thing. And me and my boys were like, ‘We should totally do this, yo.’

“But my mom’s Yorkie is a total pansy, and he wouldn’t even get close to my neighbor’s cockapoo, so I was like, ‘Screw it; we’ll pretend.’ So we each go back and forth with the cards and count different ones as like tearing out the other one’s eye or like biting him on the balls or whatever. You know?”

Parents of fellow students had raised concerns about the new “sport,” fearing it would lead to wider violence.

“We heard dogfighting was happening at the school, so naturally, we assumed that they were doing it in P.E. or whatever,” stated one concerned mother. “We can’t be expected to actually talk to our kids about this stuff, so I called the school board, and they contacted the Sheriff’s Office.”

The Sheriff’s Office issued the following statement concerning the now-closed investigation:

“It’s cards. It’s ridiculous, but not any dumber than anything else kids do in high school. If the parents paid attention for more than five seconds, they’d have known that. For goodness sake, we can’t go around ‘policing’ everything that happens around here.”

LHSC Changes Strategy Following Criticism

The Louisiana Highway Safety Commission is taking a softer side to possible driving violations after unintended reactions to its new ad campaign. As it turns out, drivers aren’t really into being threatened like four-year-olds on a playground.

A recent RSM poll found that motorists who have seen the signs reported reacting to them by immediately stomping on the gas and, in some cases, actually giving the finger to the billboards as they speed away.

Col. John A. LeBlanc (he insisted we keep the “A” in there), the executive director of the LHSC, admitted that the response was unexpected.

“We’ve had a couple of similar incidents regarding our anti-DWI commercials where we actually pulled over guys who filled the cabs of their pickups with beer and driven sober just so they could laugh at us when we spilled beer all over our uniforms.”

To counter these reactions, the LHSC is employing a bit of reverse psychology. In the hopes that reversing the message will also reverse the reaction, the new billboard featuring an inebriated state trooper barfing into his hat with his thumb up will be installed next month with the slogan “DON’T THINK! SPEED UP AND DRINK!”

Massachusetts Natives Eye Vacant Senate Seat

The loss of Sen. Edward Kennedy last month has left a vacancy in the U.S. Senate that many feel will never be filled. That has not deterred many residents from aspiring to the position.

Massachusetts natives New Kids on the Block have decided to go for it.

Acting as the spokesman for the group, Jordan Knight placed the following press release:

“We felt that after completing our tour for our new album The Block in which we reunite to take our sound in a whole new direction, one which we feel has grown with our dedicated fan base, that we had much more to offer the world at large.

“We know we can never touch the life-changing experience that was NKOTB in the ’80s and ’90s, but we hope this will come close. Minus the Saturday morning cartoon and Disney Channel special.”

The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and Boyz II Men could not be reached for comment.

OxyContin Maker Quietly Drops School-themed Pills

The maker of OxyContin has quietly dropped a campaign in which individual tablets of the controversial painkiller were shaped like tiny footballs and decorated with various college school-color combinations.

MaryAnn Griffin said the promotion was meant to “foster team spirit while providing safe and effective relief from temporary severe pain.

“However, we decided to drop ‘Bringin’ da Pain!’ out of respect for the importance universities place on protecting their athletic programs.”

“Off the Wire” Corrections:

Last month, we mistakenly reported Governor Jindal would be releasing an album of pop covers called Piyush Sings the Hits.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

In our recent story on local medical care, we stated that Our Lady of the Lake was named for Natalie Wood. It was, in fact, named for Susan Smith.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

In our last issue, we reported that Glenn Beck might be “a little unhinged.” Further study has shown that he is, without a doubt, detached from the planet Earth and will soon implode upon himself, taking most of the Andromeda Galaxy with him.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

In our May issue, we reported that pancakes are deadly. They are, in fact, fluffy and delicious.