“Lawman” Seagal Possessed by Lee’s Ghost

The Great Big Story

An exhaustive investigation on behalf of the Screen Actors Guild has determined that actor and part-time police officer Steven Seagal is actually possessed by the ghost of Harry Lee, the former seven-term sheriff of Jefferson Parish.

Investigators noted several remarkable similarities between the two colorful personalities that started to come to light following Lee’s death in 2007. They said the most noticeable sign is that Seagal, who has an Irish mother and a Jewish father, is miraculously transforming into an obese Asian man who likes to drive around the parish with a badge and a gun while television cameras are focused on him.

SAG began to look into the matter after Seagal requested residuals from his numerous direct-to-video films be paid to him in the form of doughnuts from McKenzie’s Bakery. When they discovered that the New Orleans icon had gone out of business, union executives began asking questions.

“It all makes sense, now,” said SAG spokesman Seth Oster. “Steven apparently told his agent a couple of years ago that, from now on, he wanted all the bad guys in his movies to be black. I’ve since learned that’s kind of a Harry Lee thing.”

Investigators also point to Seagal’s new cable TV reality show Steven Seagal: Lawman. While Seagal claims to have been a reserve deputy in Jefferson Parish for 20 years, it wasn’t until after Lee’s death that Seagal turned his law enforcement career into a national television show, something people who knew Harry Lee insist he secretly wanted to do for years.

“After COPS came out, Sheriff Lee wanted his own show,” said a longtime administrative assistant who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’d tell me, ‘Joycelyn, I want a show like that. What good is fighting crime if no one watches you do it?’”

“And he wanted a real show on a real network, like A&E,” added Lee’s assistant. “He didn’t want some locally produced, cheap knock-off like that sheriff in Baton Rouge’s got. Hell, I heard no one watches that channel up there anyway.”

Seagal has been performing martial arts for decades, but reportedly began projecting a proud – albeit phony – Asian heritage a few years ago.

Eddie Griffin, Seagal’s costar in Urban Justice, said, “One time during a break, I joked how his ding-a-ling must be getting smaller since he’s turning Chinese. The next fight scene, he cracked three of my ribs.”

Griffin continued, “I learned that day to just say my lines, drink Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink, and shut the f–k up.”

ERs Report Spike in Bandwagon-Jumping Injuries Following Saints Losses

Emergency rooms all over South Louisiana report a rash of leg, foot, and ankle injuries in the days immediately following consecutive losses by the New Orleans Saints.

Medical experts, as well as sports analysts, attribute the sudden increase in breaks and sprains to newly converted fans jumping off the NFL team’s bandwagon. They point to the timing of the injuries and the fact that the team gained a whole slew of new, enthusiastic, yet fickle, fans during its 13-0 start this season.

After two home losses, though, many of them couldn’t wait to disavow all loyalty to the team for which they had so fervently yelled “Who Dat!”

“When they come in, we ask how they hurt themselves,” said Dr. Jonah Miles, an ER physician at Northshore Regional Medical Center in Slidell. “They always say something like they tripped or stepped in a hole, but we suspect they hurt themselves jumping off the bandwagon.”

Miles says that many of the injured show signs of recently abandoned fandom.

“I’ve treated more than my share of broken legs and twisted ankles on guys with Jeremy Shockey hair and fleur de lis tattoos marked over with a Sharpie,” Miles said. “They’re just too embarrassed to admit they’re fair-weather tools.”

Voodoo Priestess Claims Responsibility for Coach’s Illness

University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer recently shocked the sports world by announcing he was taking an indefinite leave of absence. The two-time national champion coach cited his health as one of the reasons for his decision to leave the team.

Even more shocking, however, is a claim by a devoted voodoo practitioner that she is responsible for his reported heart ailment.

Della Landor, owner of Madame Della’s in Tuskegee, Alabama, told a local newspaper that she placed a powerful curse on Meyer after Florida’s 32-13 loss to Alabama in the SEC Championship Game last month.

“That sumbitch cost me $500!” Landor told the Montgomery Advertiser. “I still can’t believe that bastard Saban beat the living crap out of them like that! I mean, I expected the Gators to cover like everyone else. But, my loa, 32 to 13? And in case you’re wondering, I’m an Auburn fan.”

Landor says she placed the curse on Meyer following the game as a form of revenge.

“Five hundred dollars is a ton of money to a voodoo priestess around here. I’m in southeast Alabama, for loa’s sake! Why else do you think I supplement my income betting on sports?”

As for the rumors that Meyer may later return to coach the team, she warns he should stay off the sidelines.

“Tim Tebow’s a senior, which means Urban won’t have ‘the anointed one’ to wage spiritual warfare to protect his ass anymore,” she said, referring to Meyer’s evangelistic, Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback.

“I quit trying to take out that prick (Tebow) after the Kentucky game,” Landor explained. “That concussion spell I put on him was powerful enough to put mortal men in a vegetative state. So when he came back two weeks later and beat LSU in Baton Rouge, I knew he was the one foretold by the prophets.”

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