The Great Big Story

While many former LSU students may be familiar with the popular TOPS academic scholarship program, the upcoming graduating classes are less likely to make use of it.

LSU Chancellor Michael Martin spoke recently about his support of TOPS and his thoughts on ways to help financially strained students cover costs of housing, tuition, and books:

“Here at LSU, we’ve always been strong supporters of academic success. I feel one of our greatest examples of that is the TOPS program, which rewards students who have achieved certain scholastic goals with the opportunity to stay here in the state and attend an institute of higher learning, regardless of their income.

“However, it has recently come to my attention that the freshman classes that will be enrolling in the coming years suffer from a certain, shall we say, cerebral deficiency that may inhibit their enrollment in this program. Thankfully, we have put our heads together and come up with a solution, using a framework that was already in place.”

The chancellor went on to say that the system heads, working together with coach Les Miles and the Tiger Athletic Foundation, will see to it that all academically unprepared students will be recruited as part of the LSU football team. In this way, the students will be afforded housing, tuition, and books without being required to show any academic aptitude whatsoever.

“If they succeed in their classes, I think that’s wonderful,” stated Martin. “But if they don’t, it won’t matter. We’ll still be able to provide them with degrees, and we won’t have to worry about overcrowding classrooms that could be occupied by the students who actually have hope in achieving something with their lives beyond college.

“Plus, it will take a massive strain off of our already busy University Police Department. If they are able to fit more time in their schedules by ignoring complaints against our ‘athletes’ to monitor real problems like parking infractions and skateboarders, I say it can only benefit the University system as a whole.”

Stimulus Money Going Toward Renovations of State Capitol Building

Governor Bobby Jindal recently displayed a gracious show of the kind of bipartisan aisle-crossing President Barack Obama asked for in his State of the Union address.

Following the lines of recent decisions the Senator has made, the 450-foot building will be encased in a massive steel framework, supporting heavy-gauge pipe that will be inserted through the center of the state’s most important symbol via massive holes cut in the individual floors. The holes will be five feet wider in radius than the pipe, allowing it to sway as necessary.

When asked about the lack of any proposed handrails around these spaces (some as high as 35 floors above the ground), Senator Landrieu offered this response:

“Well, the goal here is to offer the oil companies the largest oil derrick on the planet. It’s important for the big businesses that support this state to feel supported by it in return. We need to do what we can to make them feel at home.”

In response to the safety issue that would ultimately affect state workers, tourists, and citizens, she replied:

“Well, the state will profit, the companies will profit, and most importantly, I will profit from these changes. If the people of Louisiana end up falling through the cracks, well, it happens.”

Focus on the Family Facing Backlash in Regard to Super Bowl Ad

In a recent, controversial, 30-second Super Bowl spot, the Christian group Focus on the Family helped share the story of how Florida star quarterback Tim Tebow’s mother refused doctor’s advice that he be aborted due to an illness during her pregnancy.

The idea behind the ad was to encourage young mothers to reconsider abortion as an option by showing them what their unborn children could ultimately become.

In the weeks following the ad’s announcement, Focus on the Family has been horrified to see abortion rates triple in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, South Carolina, Arkansas, and Kentucky.

“In response to the unintended effects our message has had on the Southeastern United States, I may only offer my sincerest apologies to the Christian community. I was unaware of the ultimate consequence of my actions. It was my opinion that the Southern states weren’t even a target of our advertisement, but instead, we hoped to reach out to the hearts of our better-educated but morally deficient brethren to the North.”

RSM was able to catch up with a young woman leaving a local Planned Parenthood office, wearing an LSU sweatshirt and wiping her brow as if she had just dodged machine-gun fire. We asked her if the advertisement had any impact on her decision.

“Hell yeah!” she replied. “My husband and I had been planning on having a baby for years now. You wouldn’t believe the expense and strain it has had on our relationship, going through all the fertility exercises and reading up on the latest studies.

“We found out about the baby in January and were all excited about sharing the news with my family. That was until I heard about the Focus on the Family ad and realized that my child could end up being an overhyped, weepy quarterback for Florida.

“I had to wait for weeks for the schedule to clear up in there, all the while carrying this possible abomination around in my womb. Thank God for sending James Dobson to warn us all!”

Government Responds to Criticism Following Haitian Relief Effort

In the month following the tragic earthquake in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, many Americans have watched in despair as the millions of dollars donated to relief have appeared to go to waste, despite a massive relocation of American troops to the island.

In many areas of the country hard-hit by the disaster, people lay in the streets, begging anyone who passed for help, while surpluses of food, water, and medical supplies were only miles away — seemingly an easy trip for any one of the thousands of troops to make in a truck loaded with relief goods.

When confronted with this dichotomy, a logistics officer named Stanley Wilkins spoke to us on condition of anonymity. His response immediately answered any questions we had regarding the lack of military assistance to aid groups.

“Well, the Haitian government has reported that more than like 150,000 people have died in this nightmare. At first, we were all like, man, we gotta help these people out.

“But then we thought about it. This is Haiti, right? And there are like 150,000 recently dead people in a relatively small area. What’s Haiti most known for? You got it: Voodoo.

“So here we are, just waiting for the zombie apocalypse to begin so we can mow down the living dead when they start attackin’.”

When asked about his thoughts on the imminent zombie attack, the Haitian president responded, “Aw, man, you people suck.”

Mayor-President Pushes for New Economic Opportunities

A series of recent communications between the Mayor-President’s Office and the International Olympic Committee has surfaced in what appears to be an attempt to soften up the IOC in a bid to bring the Olympic Games to Baton Rouge.

While the economic benefits of hosting the Games are well known, questions have arisen as to whether Red Stick has the infrastructure available to handle such a major influx of people and business.

In recent interviews, Mayor Kip Holden has reassured the community that he is sure the city is up to the task, having risen to the occasion so many times in the past.

“Our city is capable of so much. I know that, given the chance, we can show the world how amazing we really are, not only as a community, but as a host city for the world’s Games.”

While many local businesses are already on the bandwagon, some more forward-thinking people have taken the time to actually read the mayor’s bid.

Herein lies the problem: The Mayor’s Office has leaked several items of correspondence in regard to hosting the 2018 Games —the XXIII Olympic Winter Games.

We brought this to Kip’s attention, and he responded enthusiastically as always.

“That’s how much faith I have in this city! Shoot, it snowed almost three times this year! Give it a couple of years, and we’ll be able to match anything Helsinki has to offer. “

We attempted to further the interview, but the Mayor was needed in a meeting about converting Blue Bayou into a bobsled run.

Recently, we reported that Ann Coulter had yelled loudly during a live press event due to being bitten by an insect. As it turns out, she accidentally sat on her balls.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Several months ago, we misprinted that Tiger Woods had gone “nuts over new balls he heard about via word of mouth from a waitress in Las Vegas.” This was the result of miscommunication in the RSM offices.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Last month, we shared the story of Drew Brees accidentally killing an old man after hitting him in the head with a misplaced pass during practice and then bringing him back with a second throw.