Easter Bunny Calls It Quits

The Great Big Story

In a shocking announcement, that bastion of springtime frivolity Mr. E. Bunny has announced his plans to retire at the end of this year’s Easter season.

The longtime symbol of Easter and renowned hider of eggs made it official in a press conference in front of a shocked and mostly disappointed audience comprised of egg hunters young and old.

The announcement follows a heavily publicized campaign by Kraft Foods to promote one of its own product spokesmen to the level of seasonal holiday deity.

Following the loosening of restrictions on corporations using their own money to promote political figures, Kraft’s legal and marketing teams joined forces in the company’s latest ad campaign.

After clearing all outstanding red tape in the matter, the marketing department outspent the existing Easter Bunny in print, radio, internet, and television ads in a political campaign that buried the giant rodent under an ever-growing mountain of unconfirmed charges, ranging from using inferior, Chinese, painted eggs to placing his own feces inside Easter baskets and claiming it was merely “chocolate jelly beans.”

When asked for a comment, the Easter Bunny responded: “It’s not true!!!

“I can’t afford to fight these charges; I was barely covering costs as it is. I have to buy my own eggs, you know. Sure, it’s a tax write-off, but that only lets me break even,” Bunny said.

“I guess I’m going to work at my uncle’s dry cleaning shop until I find something new. Maybe take some night classes or something,” he added.

Kraft’s new Easter figurehead will be longtime ad spokesman Kool-Aid Man, who will burst through the walls of children’s homes on Easter morning and pour his contents onto their living room floors while pelting them with Kool-Aid powder-filled eggs.

“We’re working on two issues right now to make everything perfect for next year,” said Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfeld. “First off, we want to tone down his energy level a bit; I mean, people are getting hurt.

“Secondly, find a better way to get the powder to the kids. In test trials, we’ve just been dumping it directly in their mouths out of the eggs, and they choke up big, fruity clouds of dust. We’re sure we can figure it out by next Easter, though,” she said.

Pope Benedict Announces Plans to Come Out

Pope Benedict XVI has recently announced his plans to come out … of his robes, that is.

The pontiff has been advised by his doctor that he needs more cardio in his day.

For you or I, fitting a half-hour walk into the day is no problem, but for a man whose schedule is as jam-packed with activities as the pope’s is, half an hour can be hard to come by.

At first, there were attempts to include more exercise by hurrying the pope down the aisle of the church, but after a well-publicized slip and fall several months ago, the archbishops decided his robes made that far too dangerous to continue.

Dean of the College of Cardinals Angelo Sodano spoke to us about some recent attempts at beefing up the pope’s workout regimen. “Well, for the last couple of weeks, the holy father has been wearing ankle weights under his robes. Also, when he’s holding court, we have him squeeze a tennis ball in his free hand, but that’s really throwing off his blessings.

“We think it’s the outfit. He has problems picking up any speed in those robes, much less the giant pointy hat. The trouble just moving around is why we think he’s been putting on weight recently,” Sodano said.

“He just sits in his chair playing Nintendogs on his Game Boy; he certainly loves his little digital poodles,” Sodano added.

Vatican seamstresses are working ’round the clock to get his holiness outfitted with a series of velour track suits and appropriate accessories such as silk jogging shoes and knit caps with crosses on them.

Nursing Home Residents Forced into Second “Retirement”

The months leading up to the passage of President Barack Obama’s healthcare bill were filled to bursting with angry, mean-spirited, slanderous, and usually untrue rhetoric and rumors about what healthcare reform would mean for most Americans.

With average Americans living the unfulfilling existence made up of the day-to-day drudgery of dealing with unattractive and overweight spouses, dead-end, unimportant jobs, and the raising of ungrateful and increasingly unintelligent children, they find themselves looking for any rumor of real excitement to drag them from the hell they have made of their lives.

Thankfully, FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, and others have been more than happy to pump the American noggin with fluff and rumors to keep them tuned in.

Ironically, one of the most egregious urban myths about health care has actually come to pass.

Last week, the residents of the Sunny Acres Retirement Home found themselves evicted by Democrat hit squads dressed in suits, blue ties, donkey masks, and green Mao hats with red stars on them, carrying fully loaded Mossberg tactical shotguns.

The elderly men and women were marched out of the double doors into the courtyard, where they were lined up around mass graves and summarily executed with single shells of buckshot to the bases of their skulls, before being piled on top of each other and buried by the new residents waiting to take their places.

Busloads of illegal Mexican immigrants had arrived that morning and begun working on the swimming pool-size pits for the elderly Americans before the sun had even risen.

Upon burying the recently deceased drains on the American tax dollar and planting orange trees on their graves, the Mexicans moved into their pre-furnished apartments in the nursing home.

Nancy Pelosi spoke on the decision: “It just makes perfect sense. Nursing homes are already equipped with nurses and doctors that can provide ’round-the-clock free health care to the residents. Not only are we able to instantly implement the decisions of the death panels, but we can replace the raggedy old burdens with healthy and hard-working illegal immigrants who appreciate a place to stay and free medical care.”

A group of Tea Party protestors was approached for comment, but Red Shtick reporters were unable to distract them from the eight random speakers ranging from white supremacists, Republican congressmen, and birthers alternating between hate speech and playing in their own fecal matter.

Driver Aghast After Learning Tricked-Out Car Is a Hyundai

The owner of a 2006 Hyundai Sonata recently came to grips with the fact his flashy car is actually a Korean-made vehicle, despite the fact that it’s “pimped out” with 26” chrome rims, racing stripes, and an eye-catching spoiler.

Christopher “Nut-Nut” Higginbotham said he bought the vehicle from a friend because it looked like one of the vehicles featured in the movie The Fast and the Furious. Had he known it was a Hyundai, he said, he never would have considered purchasing it.

“Yo man, I can’t believe that n—gga sold me a damn Hyundai!” Higginbotham exclaimed. “Next time I see that n—gga, I’mma put a cap in his ass! A Hyundai? A f—kin’ Hyundai?!?”

Higginbotham said, at the time, he was under the impression that it was a Lexus or an Acura. He admits that the accessories likely obscured his judgment.

“Yo, when I saw those dubs, I was like ‘Aawww yeeeaah! I’m gonna be crawlin’ wit bitches!’ But now they know my whip any nothin’ but a mutha-f—kin’ Hyundai. I ain’t gonna get nothin’ but scrubs, yo.”

When the Hyundai logo was pointed out to him on the back of his vehicle, Higginbotham responded, “So that’s how they spell it? I guess it’s true what they say: Caviar Empty.”

“Off the Wire” Corrections

The largest corporate sponsor of Cinco de Mayo is not Hellman’s.