The Great Big Story

“We can’t accommodate every single person this would infringe upon,” said Walter Monsour, a longtime participant in the loop design process. “We’re pretty sure that, no matter what we say or do, there’s going to be someone this pisses off. But we have an idea that might make the blow a little easier to take.”

Planners have come to the conclusion that the inconvenience of the construction could be relieved by renaming the project something the people of the outlying parishes can get behind. Following this logic, the “loop” will be renamed the “noose.”

In preliminary focus groups, Livingston Parish residents were far more attentive to presentations on the project after it was introduced as the “noose.”

“I don’t know what it is,” said one participant. “Something inside me just agrees with it now. It’s like it was meant to be.”

Arizona Residents’ Health Deteriorating

For many years, the climate of Arizona made it a destination for people from all over the country who believed the warm, dry air would help cure them of a variety of chronic ills, ranging from arthritis to pneumonia.

Ironically, in recent weeks, this healthcare mecca has seen its residents’ health start to fail in exponential numbers.

Hospitals have been reporting an increase in cases of malnutrition and dysentery in adults, as well as more reported cases of general bumps, scrapes, and bruises among children.

The only common denominator in this equation is a complete and utter lack of Mexicans in the weeks since the legislature passed the law allowing people of Mexican descent to be stopped at the discretion of law enforcement officers.

While this has led to a dramatic drop in the number of illegal residents in the state, it has also taken a toll on the workforce, particularly in jobs no one else really wants to do, such as food preparation, sanitation, and child care.

The current version of the bill has been sent back for revisions in the hopes the legislature can figure out a way to keep the correct brown people in the state.

Apple Loses Intellectual Property

Several interns at one of the world’s largest technology companies are in hot water following the news that, after a long night out, they misplaced one of Apple’s most important assets.

“We figured it was time he put that new liver to work,” stated the silverback of the nerd herd. “But after the third round of amaretto sours, you can’t really blame us for our behavior. Two drinks in, and I was already leaving ‘likes’ on Facebook statuses of people I’ve never even met.”

While several attempts have been made to connect to Jobs via his prototype iPhone, AT&T admits that their reception can be spotty at times, and he may be out of range. However, they have suggested it might be easier to reach him via text message or email — that is, if he paid extra for the data plan.

Apple’s public relations department released a statement offering a reward for Jobs’ return and stated that Mr. Jobs is more than likely confused and disoriented, since he spends very little time among “the common people.”

Toyota Announces World’s Most Efficient Vehicle

Formerly the world’s largest automaker, Toyota has seen a significant drop in market share since reports earlier this year of a number of accidents involving faulty vehicles.

These were followed by a Consumer Reports announcement that the Lexus GX 460 had been given the rarely implemented “Don’t Buy: Safety Risk” warning due to its rollover danger, and the U.S. government’s assessment of a record $16.4 million fine against the manufacturer.

For quite some time, Toyota was able to sit back and bask in the glow of its best-selling hybrid, the Prius, but hybrid vehicles are starting to become a dime a dozen in the current market.

So what does a company do to bring new life to an old product? How about dip into the publicity it has already garnered?

Toyota is now marketing the Prius as the world’s most efficient vehicle. The company’s engineers are arguing that, since the Prius’ electric motor takes over at low speeds and its gas engine takes over at high speeds, then continues at extremely high speed due to the sticking accelerator pedal until the vehicle hits something and is rendered immobile, on average, the car only burns half a gallon of gas over its entire life.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Last month, we erroneously reported that Bravo actually turned down a proposed reality TV show.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

These are, in fact, the droids you’re looking for.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Poor old Kaw-Liga was a wooden Native American.