The Great Big Story

A Port Vincent man facing charges of aggravated battery and cruelty to the infirm for abusing his elderly mother claims a popular brand of seasoning instructed him to strike her.

According to a police report, Honore told investigators he repeatedly struck his mother, for whom he’s been caring for nearly five years, because the jingle got stuck in his head after seeing the commercials several times.

He also reportedly told authorities, “Everyone in the commercials seems to be having a good time, so I figured I might feel better if I slapped her a bit.”

A spokesman for the company that makes “Slap Ya Mama” denied all culpability in the attack.

Claude Belanger of Walker & Sons insisted, “Mais, cher, dat’s retarded, yeah!”

He said the Ville Platte company will continue airing the commercials despite Honore’s claim.

Belanger also said Walker & Sons will continue to create seasoning products with evocative names. In August, he said, they plan to release “Smack the Sh–t Outta Ya Kids” hot sauce.

Spanish Town Residents Protest Removal of Area Dog Turd

Arguing the historic character of their neighborhood was at stake, Spanish Town residents called on the city-parish last month to abandon plans for removing an aging dog turd between Costello Lane and North Seventh Street.

“Why is it that progress in this neighborhood always means tearing something down,” Spanish Town resident and preservationist John Sykes said last month while circulating a petition to include the turd on the National Historic Register. “This turd is at least six months old, and it’s part of what makes Spanish Town unique.”

Newkirk responded: “It’s a turd.”

Lady Gaga Comes Clean

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta aka Lady Gaga stunned audiences when she appeared on Oprah recently in an ankle-length blue dress with her natural brown hair tucked in a bun underneath a bonnet above a plain and makeupless face.

“I feel I’ve experienced as much of the English world as I need to in order to make my decision,” said Germanotta. “When I finish my tour next year, I will return to my family in Pennsylvania and become baptized so I may truly be part of the community from which I came.”

She went on to explain that Lady Gaga was a moniker she took on upon leaving the Amish community in which she was raised. Her current tour marks the end of her rumspringa, the “running-around” period.

During this time, the young Amlettes are encouraged to experience the outside world to its fullest before returning and making the decision to either leave forever or become baptized and spend the rest of their lives living according to the Ordnung, or Amish law.

“I think I’ve done the best I can to live as common English do, but I miss the simple ways. I can’t imagine trying to dress like you for the rest of my life; it’s exhausting.

“Hopefully, I will find a nice plain man for whom I can bear many healthy sons to help around the farm.”

Kindergarteners’ Minds Blown by Animation

A group of kindergarten students from LaSalle Elementary School experienced a bit of a shock last month during a celebratory end-of-the-school-year party.

The students’ teacher, Alma J. Walker, set up a projection screen in the gym along with several trays of school party staples, such as cupcakes, Tootsie Pops, and generic-mix red soft drink.

After settling the children in on their mats and handing out the snacks, Walker proceeded to turn on the projector. That was when all hell broke loose.

Walker’s choice of film was by no means an unusual one: Walt Disney’s 1940 masterpiece Pinocchio.

However, upon viewing the opening frames, the children panicked, much like the first audiences to witness Winsor McCay’s 1914 short Gertie the Dinosaur.

It took several hours and the help of two janitors and a delighted fifth-grade class to hunt down all the 4- and 5-year-olds, who had scattered across the campus and hidden in a variety of interesting places.

Only after administering a fistful of goldfish crackers was the teacher finally able to make out from one of the students what went awry.

The children in her class make up a group of the first generation whose expectation of large-screen animation is that it be presented in 3-D. Without the preparatory delivery of 3-D glasses, the kids in the class were horrified to see drawings springing to life before their eyes.

“It was like the devil took over the pictures and made them move,” managed 4-year-old Desmond Brown.

“They didn’t even approach the z-axis. They only got bigger or smaller,” he said.

“I need to lay down for a while.”

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Short people do have reasons for living, but just not as many as everyone else.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Taylor Swift is, in fact, the reincarnation of Glinda the Good.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

The Baton Rouge “Mad Hatters” are actually only slightly perturbed.