The Great Big Story

With North Korea’s announcement that they have developed the ability to enrich uranium enough to build nuclear weapons, an already tense relationship with the United States has only grown worse.

Despite the U.N.’s best efforts, however, North Korea has remained defiant. Defense Commission Chairman, Supreme Leader, President for Life, and Dwarf Elvis Impersonator Kim Jong-il refuses to allow his country’s sovereignty to be called into question, no matter how weird they get.

To drive this point home, last week, the occasional opera composer and film buff “Beloved Leader” faxed President Barack Obama a Xeroxed copy of his butt cheeks with a set of lip prints on it in an attractive candy apple red shade of lipstick.

In response to this aggressive action, the president and secretary of state met to discuss the future course of action against North Korea. After much discussion, they have decided to stay the course and placed the faxed pressed ham in the “To Do” bin on the President’s desk.

Louisiana Residents Push for Education Reform

The ever-progressive residents of Louisiana have long been on the forefront of important changes to the public education system.

Recently, several school systems have pushed for a vote to include creationism in science textbooks.

When asked about whether teaching a religious belief as fact in a government-funded institution violated the separation of church and state, Livingston Parish School Board member David Tate responded:

“That only exists to keep the state out of the church. In no way could the Founding Fathers have expected us not to teach creationism in our schools.

“Besides, evolution and the big bang involve sooooo much science. Our kids are going home with new ideas and asking their parents questions. Hell, I've been getting at least two phone calls a day with people yelling at me for teaching their children all these boring facts that need to be delicately explained.

“We don’t have time for all that teaching, what with all the sports we have to contend with. I’m hoping we can put it to a vote and settle this with something reasonable like a magic tree and a talking snake.”

The new measure is expected to flow easily through the necessary channels like the tears from an exasperated anthropologist’s eyes.

Coach Miles Diagnosed with Rare Neurological Condition

Louisiana State University head football coach Les Miles has recently been examined by a team of the country’s finest neurologists during his annual physical, and they’ve come to a startling conclusion.

Thankfully, after much study, it turns out neither is the case. The coach was diagnosed with the very rare Degenerative Undulating Myolitic Bi-Autonomic Speaking Syndrome. This genetic disorder is related to echolalia and has been diagnosed in less than a dozen people in the last fifty years, most notably Sarah Palin, Tony Hayward, and George W. Bush.

The rare speaking disorder is thought to be carried by more than 5,000 people worldwide but is rarely diagnosed, as it is only activated in the presence of reporters. The effects of this tragic affliction can be clearly seen in Miles’ recent interview in which he was asked about the oil leak in the gulf.

More recently, Red Shtick was able to conduct this interview:

RSM: “So, coach Miles, I understand you were recently diagnosed with a tragic genetic disorder.”

LM: “Why yes. It would appear a slight irregularity in the synaptic matrix of my cerebrum renders me wholly incapable of participating in a meaningful and informative interview with any individual who is part of the media.”

RSM: “Well, technically, I’m part of the media. I’m here for Red Shtick Magazine.”

LM: “Weyalll, uhhhhhhmmmmm, ppppfffffbbbbbtttthhhhbbbbb urrgghghh…”

Coach Miles then promptly dropped a deuce in his pants and passed out.

BP Prepares to Finish Gulf Cleanup, Stating “Mission Accomplished”

British Petroleum has announced plans to exit the Gulf of Mexico, having declared its cleanup operations a success.

After multiple flyovers by its fleet of sky spy aircraft, residents of the Gulf Coast have been assured that all is well in the waters off Louisiana.

Given the inability of anyone other than BP to verify the actual condition of the gulf, people are being forced to rely on the company for any and all information.

But a spokesman for the company attempted to settle everyone’s fears by saying that BP definitely was not lying about the oil being all gone. In fact, not only was all the oil magically erased from existence, but all the seafood had, in fact, doubled in population and was perfectly healthy.

As it turns out, according to BP scientists, pelicans, dolphins, and sea turtles actually thrive on being soaked in crude oil. The oil apparently acts like a mud bath, actually leaching toxins from the animals’ bodies.

Oddly enough, all the governors from the Gulf Coast states called it even and shook hands with the representative before piling into a BP limo full of free champagne and hookers.

Local Churches Write to Mayor Seeking Equality

In a recent open letter to Mayor Holden, several leaders of local religious groups demanded the mayor not allow a resolution expressing tolerance of the city’s gay population.

Mayor Pro Tem Mike Walker and Councilwoman Alison Cascio said there was no point in going forward because all these angry religious people probably wouldn’t vote for them later on when they ran for office again. Not only that, but they would also tell all the members of their various congregations not to vote for them, either, out of spite for not getting their way in a simple resolution stating that members of the gay community were also people and maybe Baton Rouge should step into the ’90s and quit treating them like animals.

Over 50 church leaders signed an open letter stating that, although gay people live, work, and pay taxes in the city (which we all appreciate), homosexuality, according to their arcane mythology, is a sin, and despite a clear separation between church and state, the local government has no right to ignore theologically imposed morality and treat gays like everyone else.

The ad was paid for by Louisiana Family Forum Action, an equal rights group that allows admission to anyone who has the ability to take his chosen sexual partner to bed and make a child. The group has also been known to lobby every now and then for conservative causes, making it a true rebel organization here in the state of Louisiana.

Gene Mills, president of Louisiana Family Forum, said in an email response that he expected no less from the council.

“I think they are more than happy to shut down such a divisive vote. After all, this city is full of God-fearing Christians who love the risen Jesus.”

Jesus of Nazareth was a Jewish carpenter-turned-prophet who taught equality and acceptance of all people. Modern Christian groups have built a series of religions loosely based on his teachings, in much the same way that the Leonardo DiCaprio film The Man in the Iron Mask was based on the French Revolution.