The Great Big Story

HOUSTON — U.S. District Judge David Hittner ruled last month that jailed Texas financier R. Allen Stanford is sufficiently capable of wiping his own ass.

A hygiene expert who supervised Stanford during and after his bowel movements in prison testified the businessman is sufficiently competent to clean up after himself.

Stanford’s legal team argued that its client needed assistance using the bathroom because he doesn’t remember how to wipe his behind. Ali R. Fazil, one of Stanford’s attorneys, claimed the former billionaire had been paying someone to clean his rear end for so long he no longer knew how to do it himself.

Additionally, four medical experts who testified on Stanford’s behalf, including a urologist and two proctologists, said the financier is unable to drop a deuce without making a huge mess due to the severe ass beating he received in a jail fight in September 2009.

Following his ruling, Hittner ordered a violinist to play a sad song for Stanford and his attorneys.

This Month’s Guest Columnist: The Credit Clown

Give Spinosa Financing for Rouzan? I Don’t Think So!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for giving people second and third chances when it comes to bad credit. Hell, that’s my whole raison d’être, for f—k’s sake!

I’ve approved financing for used cars for all sorts of people with jacked-up credit. It didn’t matter what was on their record — divorce, bankruptcy, failed business. And that’s just Spinosa’s unpaid Perkins Rowe subcontractors!

Hah, I’m just playin’. But seriously, yo, that sh—t is messed up.

Honestly, if that dude Spinosa walked onto my lot and tried to get financing for the hooptiest piece of crap I got on hand right now — a ’98 Pontiac Sunfire — I’d pop him upside his head with my sock and be like, “I don’t EEEVEN f—king think so!”

Jindal, Alabama Governor Wager Funds vs. Bryant’s Remains

Governors Bobby Jindal and Robert Bentley (of Alabama) have placed a friendly wager involving federal funds and the remains of legendary Alabama football coach Paul “Bear” Bryant on the outcome of the BCS National Championship Game.

Political analysts believe it’s a win-win bet for Jindal.

“If he loses the bet, he bolsters his stance as a fiscal conservative by rejecting money from D.C.,” LSU political scientist Wayne Parent said. “And if he wins, he gets the Bear’s bones, thus virtually guaranteeing that he’ll be remembered as the greatest governor in Louisiana history.”

Parent also believes that, while Jindal is a practicing Catholic, he may use his family’s Hindu background to help further exploit possession of Bryant’s remains if LSU wins.

“If Jindal gets Bryant’s remains, he gets control of the Bear’s life force, or as the Hindus call it, ‘prana,’” Parent explained. “And without the Bear’s spirit on their side, Bama doesn’t stand a chance against LSU ever again, thus ensuring eternal domination of the SEC West!”

Parent then added, “Maybe I shouldn’t have watched that Poltergeist rerun last night.”

“Off the Wire” Corrections

The Fox 44 News app is not simply a screenshot of Emily Turner with the caption “Hah! Made you look!”

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

The 2012 LSU football schedule does not include a trip to the Holy Land.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

ESPN’s Stuart Scott did not give his left eye a GPS navigation system for Christmas.