It’s that time of the year again. We have finally finished with the Olympics, but we’re not quite done with hurricane season. It’s at this time every leap year that we have to decide the lesser of two evils, or throw our votes away with a third party. This year is no different.

My new roommate made us watch the Democratic National Convention and the Republican National Convention, so now I can honestly say I have watched the worst things on TV … ever. They amounted to nothing more than three days of infomercials with network announcers that hated the party they covered, and it showed. For the Republican convention, at least my excuse for watching the speeches with backbone is that my viewing choices for those nights were the convention or local hurricane news, and we can all agree that more than ten hours of hurricane coverage will make you quickly go insane.

I just want to point out some observations that will be coming next month, as announcements will be made, concession speeches written and delivered, and lawsuits filed. I claim no personal preference (I do like that mayor guy with my name), and I pick on all equally, since I have come to the realization that the foundation of the party can usually come down to one or two core beliefs, and that, if you are not in lockstep with the party, then you are against it.

I believe in smaller government and letting the free-market economy work. I believe that government has too many regulations and that special-interest groups exert too much pressure in determining our laws. I believe that Democrats are morons if they think that generations living on the welfare system will one day pull themselves out based on us just giving them more money for doing nothing, while I think the Republicans have their blinders on if they think that their stance on abortion is not based on their religious views. I would comment on one of the other parties, but the two main parties have made sure that no one else really gets to play on the national level.

I’m not going to rant about the differences between the two parties’ platforms, their people who are running for office, or even which way I vote (I really like that mayor guy with my first name as his last name …). As you vote for president, keep in mind that the guy who is elected is not required to know everything about everything, but is coached by his advisors about what is the best course of action to take, and the president has to trust his advisors. Put in a better way, the president is basically a figurehead and listens to his advisors, so you might as well pick the guy you think will be more entertaining in front of the camera, ‘cause that is pretty much all the president does. It’s the fanatics of the political parties that scare the living bejeezus out of me.

I want you to watch the election results come out next month. Watch who says what, and check with my convenient chart to see if my swami predictions come true:

Democrats:

1. •If they win: “The will of the people has been heard!”
   

2. •If they lose: “How can so many Americans be so stupid? They didn’t know the real facts, and McCain lied to them like Bush did. They stole the women’s vote by picking that lipsticked pit bull as a running mate.”
   

3. •If attacked by the Republicans: “They are throwing dirt and going negative to try to win because they have no substance.”
   

4. •If accused by the Republicans of negative ads: “We are just telling the truth. What are they trying to hide from us?”
   

5. •If they lose the presidential election, I guarantee that somehow the race card will be played, and everyone who didn’t vote for Obama will be accused of being racist (although, within their own party, several editorials bashed women voters for selling out by not voting for Hillary).
   

Republicans:

1. •If they win: “The will of the people has been heard.”
   

2. •If they lose: “The will of the people has been heard.”
   

3. •If attacked by Democrats about Palin’s 17-year-old daughter being pregnant: “It’s a private matter.”
   

4. •If they lose the presidential election, I guarantee that several women’s groups will come out and bash everyone for not choosing a woman.
   

So, as you go to the polls this November, remember that, no matter who you vote for, you will either be sexist or racist. I am leaning towards voting for Les Miles, so I can be racist and sexist, but at least I will have voted for someone who’s got a set and knows how to use them. GEAUX TIGERS!!!!