Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Truer words have never been spoken. With the loss of my grandmother several months ago and the discovery that the family dog is on his last legs, I am forced to look at what to do with remains after the loved ones have been shuffled off the mortal coil. Unlike my stepdad, I don’t think that I can keep ashes hiding in my closet, waiting for the telltale heart to start beating. Instead, I will freely give away to you, the reader, the next million-dollar idea, soon to be on late-night infomercials, in the garden center at your local big-box store, or on the patio of your next-door neighbor.

Have you ever wondered what to do with Spot, Mr. Giggles the cat, or even Raggot, your pet hamster, after they pass on to the next world? What to do with the family pet that’s too big to flush, yet too inconsequential to spend thousands on a burial plot, their ashes collecting dust on some mantle, or even worse, in your closet? Convert those dirty ashes to something that will outlast you, something that will remind you that the pet that managed to eat through all your furniture, all while licking his own genitals, has left you.

Introducing the pet mold, where your pet will sit on your porch forever, complete with stupid grin and dog collar. Simply add your pet’s ashes to the concrete mix, pour into the appropriate mold, and presto: instant pet statue, memorial, and holder of the ashes! Combine two pets for a mixed breed, or immortalize your fish, and they will never float on the surface again. Paint your concrete to match your pet and decorate it each season. Sure, Rex never liked that ‘kerchief that you put on him while he was living, but now, even he can’t complain about that cute Christmas sweater. Senile Grandma won’t even notice that Fluffy has been dead for five years when you mold Fluffy’s ashes, because that damn cat didn’t move while he was alive. Think of the cat food savings.

Sure, there will be side effects. If you are one of those people that needs new pets every few weeks because of “accidents,” or your name is Michael Vick, making concrete models of your dead pets may make your backyard, front yard, or living room resemble the terra-cotta statues of the tomb of the first emperor of the Qin Dynasty, and that’s just creepy. Maybe you should try a pet rock, or retire from your job as line cook at a Chinese restaurant.

But lets move further up the evolutionary food chain to dear old Grandma, sitting up there on the mantle, underneath the creepy painting up there, mocking you, and frankly, taking up room that could be better spent on a plasma television set with surround sound. Make a mold of her and make a concrete “memorial” out of those ashes and QUIKRETE®. I think, however, you may need rebar for a job that big. Just think of all the possibilities that Grandma statue can provide you on a daily basis:

1. •House sitter: Grandma won’t eat much and is always watching the TV for you.
   

2. •Extra person for carpool lane: Her ashes count as a human, and what cop is going to ticket you for driving Grandma around?
   

3. •Grandma as weight for holding up your hammock: You know she just wanted to see you happy, and now she gets to see you relaxed.
   

4. •If you make her posable, you can put her in a chair and have an instant ear: You can prattle on for hours about whatever you people care about and I ignore, and Grandma will just listen and listen forever. You’ve already bored her to death.
   

5. •Decorate Grandma and add her to the Thanksgiving table: Although she won’t eat, she can still dole out a heaping helping of guilt if you don’t come by and say hi to her.
   

All in all, if you can steer past the ethical ramifications of what is basically a movable mausoleum, and if you can get past the creepiness of a dead relative taking up residence in your house, then you will have the relative who never leaves, and doesn’t complain when you use her as a coat rack. Come to think of it, when I go, I want a mold of me flipping the bird, so my wife can stick me out on the curb, letting all of you know what I think of you from beyond the grave. Just remember to leave out the belly and the flabby physique. Come to think of it, use Matt Damon’s body and my ashes. No one deserves to see something as ugly as me for all eternity … not even politicians.