After so many years of disaster films, History Channel documentaries, and the crazies that make up Free Speech Alley, I really did start to believe that meteors would come crashing down on us and wipe us off the face of the earth like my history books said. I would have even settled for rising seas and “climate change,” like former Vice President Al Gore and his ilk believe.

But no, life isn’t that easy, and once again, I have to settle for a second-rate extinction, and I saw it coming the other day at the drugstore: Snuggies for dogs.

Snuggies have expanded to the point where those with the higher IQ points have started atrophying to the intelligence of pudding. Its expansion from a craze of backward-robe-wearing to what it is today only fuels the flame that, although hard work pays off eventually, dumb luck and 250 commercials a day for your product pays off now, even at the expense of common sense. Sure, a sleeved flannel sheet is a cute idea, but did you have to expand?

Why in the hell would my dog need a Snuggie? Never in my life have I seen my dog lying there under the covers, trying to stay warm, and using his paws for, say, knitting, reading, or changing the channel on the TV.

Besides, wouldn’t you have to tie said Snuggie to the dog to keep it from falling off? Wouldn’t that be considered a sweater, or even better, a cape?

I know my dog is 50 pounds of fur. I think a thick flannel sheet would only piss him off, not warm him enough for him to keep reading his copy of War and Peace.

It’s not the marketing ploy of Snuggies for dogs that gets under my skin. It’s the thought that they didn’t stop there. Somewhere there is a warehouse that houses the next iteration of those abominations, such nightmares as:

1. •Snuggies for cars. These would have slits for your windshield and side mirrors to keep the snow off your car and keep the interior warmer.
   

2. •Snuggies for your bed. Sometimes those sleeves might get in your way, so this Snuggie has none, so you can curl up underneath it (otherwise known as a blanket).
   

3. •Snuggies for walking around. Instead of covering your front like a normal Snuggie, this one covers your back and includes a rope to close the front, keeping you warm as you walk from room to room (aka a robe).
   

4. •Snuggie for your house. Instead of having to wear a Snuggie to keep warm, warm your entire house by using this flannel thermal wrap for your house. Besides, show off your team spirit at the same time!
   

Not to sound like a hypocrite, I do own the only two LSU Snuggies in a 500-mile radius, tucked underneath my back seat in case I get stuck in a blizzard, so when they find my frozen body, they will know what team I supported and have a good laugh at my expense, as if a flannel sheet could protect me from the -30º temperatures that will plague me in the next few months.

But I have just about finished my compound here in Colorado and will stock up with provisions as you buy more and more Snuggies, bringing the downfall of modern civilization.