Once again, Earth Day is sneaking up, and once again, I have to deal with a month of advice on how to save the planet and how wasteful I am. And once again, I am going to smoke cigars, idle my car all day, and eat out of Styrofoam containers, all while clubbing baby seals and not recycling my garbage.

The environment is the new trendy thing to care about, and I, for one, have to offset the stupidity of the Kool-Aid-drinking wackos who believe we have to get rid of cars, oil, Wal-Mart, and anything that causes a carbon footprint.

A recent Gallup poll says that 41% of Americans now believe that man-made global warming is exaggerated. That’s almost half that think Al Gore is full of the hot air that he peddles.

Do you think that the environmentalists accepted the data and maybe considered that the man-made global warming is made up? Oh, hell no. Their various responses, much like those of kids that are up way past their bedtimes, were a collection of temper tantrums laced with finger-pointing and pouting. One person interviewed said that the word hasn’t gotten out to everyone; another said it was Republican lies distorting the truth; and others just said that we don’t understand (as if he is the only one to understand, and he is the Mother Earth spokesperson).

I think the poll results can be attributed to the cold winters and the return of the ice caps in the north (although I blame that basically on the rotation of the Earth and the approach of winter). No rising sea, no monster hurricanes (some reputable studies conclude that the hurricanes are getting weaker), and no Godzilla taking over Tokyo add reinforcement.

By the way, the Houmas Indians had settlements thousands of years ago in what is now several feet of water off the coast. But I am sure that the environmentalists agree that the ancient SUVs of the roaming Indian nations caused the seas to rise. Maybe, just maybe, buffalo farts caused the seas to rise (thank God the pioneers almost killed them off, or we would be underwater), because it was before the time of Republicans, so you can’t really blame us.

But don’t think that I absolutely hate the environment; it’s just the spokespeople. And by spokespeople, I mean the Prius and SmartCar drivers. I thank you for buying an overpriced car that claims to save the environment, drives slower than snot, and gets in my way on the interstate.

Saving the Earth gives you no excuse to drive like you own the Earth. Gas on the right, brake on the left, and you aren’t any cooler with all the bumper stickers. The car gives away your political leanings, environmental standings, and outlook on life. Just drive.

And shopping with the recycled bags at the Whole Foods, looking down your nose at me, doesn’t make you any cooler. It makes you a tool that likes to buy overpriced food so you can look cool – unless you are buying the meat there; then you appreciate a good buffalo steak.

So, as you enjoy your Earth Day, remember: Pick up your trash after yourself, don’t dump chemicals into the ocean, and you don’t have to be a stuck-up snob and look down your nose at us chumps. We are doing our part, too, to clean up the environment, and not just because Al Gore told us to, but because we like to fish, hunt, and breathe clean air.

I’m still driving my wife’s Jeep and stomping around with my size-13 carbon footprints, but I’ll be partying with you damn dirty hippies with your granola and Hacky Sacks. Enjoy.