During a recent conversation I had with some people, I came to the slow realization that I had become a scapegoat of sorts. I was a mooch, I did this, I did that … all the usual things that a quality, purebred black sheep of a family would do to gain the ire of his family. And not wanting to disappoint, I wanted to clear up a few things.

It was I that brought smallpox to the New World. Yup, I did it. The whole “sneak it in hidden in blankets” was all my thinking. I just thought it would be nice to start off that whole eminent domain thing with a little biological warfare. No need to thank me.

I’ll even confess to the March 1, 1932, kidnapping of Charles Lindbergh Jr. in Hopewell, NJ. That nursery window was open, and I really wanted flying lessons. That Hauptmann guy really was innocent, but someone had to take the blame. Amelia Earhart was in on it with me, but I had to take care of her, too. Dead aviators tell no tales.

Lee Harvey Oswald was a buddy that I sold down the river by making him hold my gun. The grassy knoll, behind the picket fence, was my favorite spot to go read, and that darn parade was making too much racket. Now everyone comes to my reading spot, so I had to find a new one.

I am so greedy that I wanted to sell used ballots on eBay. I have 100,000 uncounted ballots for Al Gore from West Palm Beach’s 2000 presidential election in the trunk of my car. I’m trying to offload them so I can fit more of O.J.’s memorabilia in the trunk of my car.

With so many other deeds to name, let me run through my list quickly here:

1. •I shot J.R.
   

2. •I framed Roger Rabbit.
   

3. •It was me, in the library, with the wrench.
   

4. •I caused Hurricane Katrina to hit New Orleans (although I swear I didn’t blow up the levees.)
   

5. •I started the Y2K rumor, and I am perpetuating the 2012 end-of-the-world rumor.
   

6. •I let the dogs out.
   

7. •I shot Montgomery Burns. Maggie Simpson was my patsy.
   

8. •I hid Jimmy Hoffa’s body under the goalposts at Bryant-Denny Stadium at the University of Alabama. Please, somebody, go dig him up. If not there, try somewhere else on the field. Then try Nick Saban’s office.
   

9. •I gave President William Henry Harrison pneumonia in 1841. He was asking for it, making fun of my mother.
   

10. •I crashed my flying saucer in Roswell. It was me, not little green men.   
    

11. •I’m buried in Grant’s tomb.
    

12. •I pull for the Grinch every time he’s on TV.
    

13. •I am Spartacus.
    

14. •It wasn’t video, but me, that killed the radio star.
    

15. •I spend the entire month of March putting caterpillars in the oaks at LSU.
    

16. •I am the sole cause of traffic in Baton Rouge. Me!
    

I do want to clear one thing up, though. Swine flu, avian flu, AIDS, and any other animal-crossover diseases are not my fault. What Livingston Parish does on its free time is its own business, and I really had nothing to do with that. Please stop sending me hate mail over that.

If you can think of anything else that I may have done in the last 4.5 billion years, let me know. I’m always willing to take the fall for you or just be the reason bad things happen. Chances are, I probably did it and smiled as I ruined your life or day.

And Sunny, I’m sorry I broke your sewer pipe. I really was aiming at your water pipe.