As the New Year comes, I am forced to make New Year’s resolutions – not because I need to, not because I want to, but because of Father Winter. Yes, until May, Father Winter has his hands on my nether regions, and he has an icy grip.

So, to appease him on the hope that he at least releases his grip long enough to let me pee standing up, I present my New Year’s resolutions:

Everyone’s first choice is always exercise. Bull droppings. I live at 7,755 feet above sea level. That’s almost a mile and a half above where you live. That means that the oxygen level is 75% of that at sea level.

For you to come here and walk around, it’s like smoking a box of cigars and trying to wheeze and walk. After seven months of acclimation, I can whoop any of your asses in a mile race. Bring it on.

So at least I am breathing better then you suckers. And it means that I don’t have to do any actual exercise other than sitting on my ass and sucking in oxygen.

My beautiful wife has announced that I need a hobby. Fine. I will try to find one as the New Year begins, following my sweetheart’s strict rules. So far, the hobby list forbidden by my wife is as follows:

1. •Using the laser pointer to annoy the cats.
   

2. •Using the laser pointer to annoy the cattle across the street.
   

3. •Using the laser pointer to see if I can bounce it off the neighbor’s barn a half-mile away.
   

4. •Using the laser pointer to see if I can piss off passing airplanes.
   

5. •Staying in the house for extended periods with her.
   

6. •Picking off rabbits with a shotgun.
   

7. •Quoting Family Guy for any situation in life.
   

8. •Peeing the entire Gettysburg’s Address in the snow.
   

I have been instructed that I need to eat better. Being 1,200 miles from Louisiana makes it easier, but the food here SUCKS!! I did find frozen crawfish, but it is not the same.

Eating in moderation is always the key, but I have to drive seven hours to a Raising Canes. It’s hard to eat bad when you have to spend the night to eat good Louisiana food. However, I’ve got an all-you-can-eat buffet with Mexican food.

Finally, I will try to save money. Now that our wonderful president is getting us all free health care, I will have tons of free money leftover to save.

Hopefully, he and the other fat cats can finally bail out something that matters to me and write off all my student loans. I think if the government is going to bail out all the homeowners that have failing mortgages, then they should bail out my years of tailgating and internet porn … I mean, my five years in college.

I’m sure that I will be able to keep my resolutions for at least a week, before I find my laser pointer. Then I’m probably going to have to change my New Year’s resolution to obeying my parole officer.

At least then, maybe my bits and pieces will defrost and drop from my throat for the first time in three months.