I watch television. A lot.

Well, there’s nothing else to do while sitting in a cabin, where the wind and snow brings the temperature down to something so low that it’s measured in Kelvin. Watching TV, imagining there is a bar in the basement, and making my finger say “redrum” while the wife loads the shotgun … that’s pretty much it, so evenings are filled with satellite TV, and with it, those annoying cell phone commercials.

Luke Wilson, you remind me of that guy in the frat house that constantly acts like the know-it-all: smarmy to the point of being a douche. Actually, I think you passed that point. Watching you act like the guy next door in your moronic commercials makes me want to shoot the actual guy next door, just in case it’s you.

I get that AT&T has the fastest 3G network; I really do. Do you have to remind me several times an hour?

It’s not like I can even get the AT&T reception within 200 miles of where I live. I would have to drive four hours to access your fastest 3G network. My town makes Bayou Pigeon look like downtown Manhattan.

I think what bugs me the most is that Verizon and AT&T are comparing apples to baseball bats. I concede that AT&T has the fastest 3G network, but only if you live in a metropolitan area of over 750,000 people.

Outside of that, you are roaming with no 3G network. Tough luck, but remember how cool and douchy you look with your iPhone. And all those cool apps you have that no longer work when you are more than 50 miles from a Pottery Barn or an Abercrombie & Fitch just make me want to smile when you come to town and get pissed you can’t be cool anymore.

At least they are moving on to the “We cover 97% of all Americans,” even though 3% of 300,000,000 is still 9,000,000, or the combined populations of:

1. •Wyoming
   

2. •North Dakota
   

3. •South Dakota
   

4. •Alaska
   

5. •Washington, D.C.
   

6. •Delaware
   

7. •Vermont
   

8. •Montana
   

9. •Rhode Island
   

10. •New Hampshire
    

11. •Maine
    

Not that I am a fan of Verizon, but here in the valley, your choices of service are Verizon or landlines. I can not only get 3G service in town, but even in my house.

Their 3G service may be slower, but when it covers most of the nation, it means I won’t lose it when I travel. I spent a summer hiking the Appalachian Trail and got a great signal for plenty of phone calls, even when the nearest road or town was a four-day hike away.

Verizon just covers the nation, and their commercials at least make me feel that I don’t have to be a snobby political science major to use their service.

Besides, no matter how hard I search, there are no cool iPhone apps for my Blackberry, but at least the email and phone parts work, all while getting Fox News Mobile.

I just wish Luke Wilson and his smarmy commercials would disappear so we could get more of those talking gecko or even Doritos commercials. After all, if I can’t get it, why tease me on TV every night and day? You might as well show me LSU promos, Raising Canes, and any real seafood to really stab me where it hurts.