Remember in Spider-Man 2 when Spidey takes his mask off to talk to Doctor Octopus and Mary Jane sees him? Well, consider yourself Mary Jane, folks. And no, that is not a reference to marijuana.

The mask is off. Now you know Jimmy Faux's identity. The name is Brown. James Brown.

No relation.

Now that all my legal issues with Alyssa Milano have been resolved – though not in the way I would have preferred; 18-mile restraining order my sweet patootie! – I am now able to use my real name. So, no mo' Faux, and that's fo' sho'!

That being said, what has been going on in the world?

(Kanye West interrupts. "That's cool and all that, and I'mma let you finish, but Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible II had one of the best secret identity reveals of all time! Of all time!")

Okay, thanks, Kanye. Anyway, aside from general jackassery, what has been going on with the showbiz crowd? Okay, jackassery does cover a whole lot. Whether it's jumping on stage while someone else is trying to give an acceptance speech, or if it's telling the world you had sex with your father, there's a lot of "WTF" going around.

Yes, I said sex with one's father. I know there's probably a very specific word for it (For instance, did you know that uxoricide is the technical term for killing one's wife? Remember that; it might come in handy one day.), but incest is incest. Sure, Oedipus Rex made it fashionable back in the day – the day being circa 300 B.C. – but it's 2009!  Mackenzie Phillips, you should be ashamed of yourself!

Dude, I know I've made up some stuff before, but this is bona fide fact, unless The Associated Press, AOL, and Reuters decided to play a joke on little ol' me. Seems like a lot of trouble to go through just to pull the wool over the eyes of a columnist from a small-city rag. I think I'll trust Occam's razor and assume it is the truth, disgusting though it may be.

But who am I to judge? Oh yeah; I'm a journalist. I only have one more word to say on the subject: Ewww.

Louisiana itself has been a bit of a hotbed of activity. Not only has there been more of the usual dirty politics, but there have been a few developments in our local movie industry.

Jonah Hex, featuring Josh Brolin (you remember him – he played Rudy's brother in The Goonies) and the foxy Megan Fox, has finished principal shooting in New Orleans and St. Francisville. The flick is about a former Confederate soldier who becomes a bounty hunter with a hideously scarred face.

It's based on a comic book, so it could be the next Spider-Man or The Dark Knight. Then again, it could be the next Spider-Man 3 or Batman and Robin.

Speaking of movies filming in Louisiana, you should be hearing more about The Expendables – a movie with Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren (hold on to your butts), Jason Statham (it gets better!), Jet Li (but wait, there's more!) and Sylvester Stallone! And it's filming here in the Pelican State! This doesn't come out until the middle of next year, so keep your eyes on the papers for news about these guys getting into bar fights around Louisiana!

Okay, how did I go so long without talking about those frickin' vampires? No, I am not talking about Twilight (vampires do NOT sparkle, thank you very much); I am talking about HBO's True Blood. Well, we just had the season finale last month, so it'll be a while before we see more from Sookie and Vampire Bill.

I recommend in the meantime you go read the books. (They all have the word "dead" in the titles and they're by Charlaine Harris. Don't ask me about the order; just check the publication dates.) I'm pretty sure you'll start seeing announcements in the paper about local filming opportunities before too long.

Before you know it, there'll be more opportunities to see blood and boobs on your boob tube. Woo hoo!

Until next time, I'm James Brown.