It’s the most wonderful time of the year. That’s right! It’s Kwanzaa time! Woohoo!

Oh yeah, and Hanukkah time. And Saturnalia time for you pagans. (I know you’re out there!)

And yes, it is also time for the most commercialized holiday ever. That means it’s also time for those saccharine-sappy Christmas movies that are all about the “true meaning” of the holiday.

I’m about to get all uppity now. Do you realize how many Christmas movies there have been since moving pictures were first developed? Enter the word in the search bar at the Internet Movie Database website and you’ll come upon over 2400 results!

And have you any idea how many have made indelible impressions in our hearts? Very few.

I’m sure there have been several that happen to include Christmas in their plots that aren’t really Christmas movies. The Godfather comes to mind, a scene from which is represented here in internet lingo:

1. Sonny: (raises eyebrows) WTF!?
   

2. Clemenza: Dude. i no. it’s a sicilian msg. Luca Brasi sleeps with
   ><{{{*> ><{{{*>.
   

But you know that there are hundreds and hundreds of through-and-through holiday movies, steeped in the traditions of holly, evergreens, and reindeer. And more than 90% of them are complete and utter Kris Kringle Krap.

Example: Deck the Halls – Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito get all slapstick for the season? It’s basically Home Alone without the John Hughes magic.

What are the chances that you could recreate a holiday classic like the original Miracle on 34th Street? Or It’s a Wonderful Life? Or even Santa Slay, starring Goldberg of wrestling fame?

There should be a committee in Hollywood that looks at these films and first asks, “Do we need to make this? Does the world need a remake of Miracle on 34th Street? Do we need a sequel to Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Wasn’t there enough holiday nudity in Silent Night, Deadly Night?”

Then, this committee could review the quality of the movie, look at the crew and cast, and decide if the world really needs this “new holiday classic.” I am not saying that we should out-and-out ban these movies from coming out, but if they aren’t up to snuff, they should be relegated to coming out sometime between January 20 and September 30. Fair enough.

This will never happen because of one thing: money. It’s all about money. “You know, Bobby, I think we can make yet another iteration of A Christmas Carol and clear over $100 million at the box office.” As long as money comes before class or tact, things won’t change.

And sex. It’s about sex, too. As long as money and sex come first, there won’t be change.

And drugs. As long as money, sex, and drugs come first, things aren’t going to change.

Anyway, Christmas has always been about traditions. What would be wrong with theaters showing classic Christmas films around the holidays, allowing us to do the same things we always do and include films? Okay, maybe they could include new versions of stories with more diverse casts, but that’s about it.

Honestly, don’t we get enough holiday variety with yearly episodes of our favorite TV shows? And wouldn’t it be great to have a little eggnog, open our presents, then bring everyone to the theater to see either an epic space battle, an espionage thriller, or a familiar, tried and true, heartwarming tale of the true meaning of Christmas?

By the way, if you get an invite to a soirée thrown by Santa’s seventh reindeer, don’t go. There’s nothing to be gained by attending the Donner party.

Bah. Humbug. I’ll see you next year.