Greetings and sanitations, everyone! I've been gone a while but I'm black now!

Lots of things happening that deserve to be commented on, but there’s limited space, so I won’t mention any of them. I’ll just talk about the following:

In local news, Liv Tyler is filming a movie here in the big B.R. She’ll be in The Ledge, which also stars Terrence Howard and Charlie Hunnam in the story of a man standing on a high-rise ledge who insists he must jump by noon as the policeman below tries to manage the situation.

Plans are already afoot for a sequel entitled The Sill. And there’s even a rumor that they’ll make it a trilogy, with the third installment to be called The Curb. No word yet on whether or not Liv will have animal crackers trailed across her tummy in any of the films.

Hee hee. “Tummy.”

Is anyone else as riveted to 24 as I am? It is, at turns, the most suspenseful and most ridiculous hour of television in any given week. AND THERE’S ALWAYS A TRAITOR IN CTU HEADQUARTERS!

No relevance to anything else in the article. Just wanted to rant for a second.

You say tomato, and I say infidelity.

Is it the stylish thing now to be caught in multiple extramarital affairs? Tiger Woods did it, and ultimately, it was embarrassing, but he’ll eventually bounce back (unless he doesn’t).

Recently, Jesse James of Monster Garage fame revealed his own indiscretions. Word (as in “on the street,” not as in “Microsoft”) has it that he was being indiscreet with a lady or two while wife Sandra Bullock (excuse me, Academy Award-winning wife Sandra Bullock) was off filming movies like The Blind Side.

I do feel for Jesse. A little bit. After all, I have the name of a pre-existing celebrity as well.

Fifty years from now, will I be the first “James Brown” people think of when that name is uttered? Most likely. But until that time, I have to live in the shadow of that guy on Fox Sports. Oh, and the Godfather of Soul.

You know what my greatest regret about this whole thing is? That People magazine got to say that Sandra Bullock was “blindsided” by the whole ordeal before I did. Bastanté!

Palin in comparison

So.

Sarah Palin.

Sarah [expletive deleted] Palin.

Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. Yes, I know what you’re going to say. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe I just know what I would say.

Regardless of your political views, you have to marvel at the marketing chutzpah of the minds behind this decision.

Love her or hate her (there’s very little in between), Sarah is a newsmaker. Whether she’s standing in front of a turkey getting murdered, lecturing people about family values (cough, cough), or just saying the word “Maverick,” her actions and statements have a tendency to make people say “Well!” I leave the emphasis and tone of that syllable to you.

The show is going to be about the different characters, geographical uniquities, and various other things distinctive to Alaska that one finds around Ms. Palin’s home state.

Can you imagine if some of our former governors and politicians were recruited for reality television shows about Louisiana?

Kathleen Blanco’s Louisiana

“And here is one of my favorite parts of New Orleans. This is the Ninth Ward. Isn’t it… Oh.

“What happened here? A hurricane? When did that happen?”

Edwin Edwards’ Louisiana

“Now look at the wonderful, wonderful view of some of Louisiana’s finest prison facilities. We have a nice day room, and we get well over seven channels on that there TV.

“I hear a rumor we gonna get some étouffée tonight in the cafeteria. Sure, we don’t get no crawfish or shrimp in it, but étouffée is étouffée.”

(Sigh) “I miss hookers.”

David Duke’s Louisiana

...

Yeah. I don’t think I need to go into details about that.

Ray Nagin’s Louisiana

“Isn’t this wonderful? New Orleans! My town! Black people making music! Black people making food!

“Look! Some white people! They must be tourists.”

That’s all for now. By the way, if anyone can tell me what it means when you dream about lactating midgets hitting you with sparks of electricity on a moving train, please let me know.