Reel Dirt

Burning the Midnight Celluloid

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 16:53:38 -0600

What a year, huh? There were some phenomenal movies that came out in 2011. Tree of Life, Hugo, The Interrupters ... and then there were movies that people actually saw! Green Lantern, Transformers 3, Conan the Barbarian ... and then there were the movies that were good AND people saw them!
I found myself popping into the local theater more than once (more like a dozen times) to catch the latest Hollywood thrill ride as it premiered in town at a midnight showing over the course of the past year. This made for many a wondrous and exciting experience. Among them were X-Men: First Class, Super 8, and my surprise of the year, Rise of the Planet of the Apes. That was a movie I dismissed initially, solely based on the superfluity of prepositions in its title. I’m just glad they didn’t add another definite article at the beginning of it. Three “thes” in the name of any movie would be a death knell for its box office for sure.
Well, 2011 is gone, baby, gone now. So we say goodbye to a slew of superhero movies, a sparkly vampire movie, and much too much 3-D. In 2012, we will have a slew of superhero movies, a sparkly vampire movie, and again, much too much 3-D. At least we have the option of seeing those 3-D movies in 2-D.
Also, it’s a blessing that this will be the last in the sparkly vampire saga. Though I’m sure someone at Summit Entertainment will figure out a way to keep making movies about those blood-drinking fiends who hang out in high schools for centuries at a time and make googly eyes at depressed teenage girls.
And there will be more superhero movies. I accept this as an axiom. It’s like Benjamin Franklin said: The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and superhero movies. Granted, this year, we’ll see the Avengers movie, which is a culmination of the two Iron Man movies, the two Hulk movies, the Thor movie, and the Captain America film, working their way toward a climactic narrative in a more ambitious fashion than most Hollywood endeavors even come close to. Granted, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the thing will be any good. It just means the producers over at Marvel Studios have set their sights pretty high with this one.
Rule of Acquisition #62: The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
Ah, 2012. What possibilities, eh? For many movies, this is my favorite time. Better than the memory of seeing them, and mostly better than the deed of seeing the movie itself, the anticipation is the tantalizing and ecstatic period of contemplation on how great and wonderful a movie could be. It is the all-hype appetizer to the full experience.
Seeing teasers and trailers for what is to come whets your movie appetite, and you wonder and daydream about how good a movie The Avengers really will be. You think on what surprises Christopher Nolan could possibly have in store in The Dark Knight Rises. You wonder if Kate Beckinsale will really get naked in Underworld: Awakening. And what the hell is Prometheus all about, anyway? Is Ridley Scott really making a prequel to a 30-some-odd-year-old movie?
Well, I’ve made my New Year’s resolution already, and it will find me at at least 20 midnight movies this coming year. Yes, that’s a lot, but there’s nothing like it, as I’ve said before. And with the brain-busting blockbusters (try saying that three times fast) that are coming out this year, I don’t think I’ll be hard-pressed to find enough flicks to entertain me as they come out this spring and summer.
But I’m also looking forward to finding the little indie films this coming year. Yes, James Brown appreciates a movie that doesn’t have big explosions and transmogrifying aliens. I appreciate a character drama as much as the next man — especially if it has a little bit of nudity in it.
What can I say? I am what I am.

A Wicked Thought
You ever think about Wizard of Oz from the Wicked Witch’s perspective? I know there’s a whole musical and book about it, but even if you just look at the 1939 classic film, Dorothy starts everything. She kills the witch’s sister and takes her shoes. By what right did she have those ruby slippers in the first place? Those should have gone to the lady’s next of kin, i.e., the Wicked Witch of the West. Just an observation.
Anyway, that’s all for me for now. Next month, we abandon the month named for the two-faced Roman god of beginnings and endings, Janus, and take a look at the most romantic month of all, which, and I’m sure this is just a coincidence, is also the shortest. Hmmmm…
Resolve to do good, my preciouses!

Christmas, Christmas Time Is Here ...

Fri, 2 Dec 2011 14:34:59 -0600

Time for joy. Time for cheer. Time for … shopping, rabid commercialism, clinical holiday depression, Saturnalia, people being offended by the rampant Christmas decorations, etc., etc., etc.
Longtime readers of this column will recognize that I get a little cynical around the holidays about the overcommercialization of the season. Don’t get me wrong; I love Christmastime, family, songs — and who doesn’t like gifts?
However, camping out at Best Buy to get a $3 copy of the 1995 movie Congo? Thanks, I’ll pass. Camping out at Target to get the latest Disney Blu-ray at 5 a.m.? No, thank you. Battling the throngs at Walmart and risking life and limb to save a couple of bucks getting that box set of the first season of America’s Top Model? Does it include nudity? No? Then I’ll say good day to you.
Christmas isn’t just so pervasive as to infiltrate the network lineups of comedies, dramas, and everything in between, it’s considered downright un-American if you don’t have a Christmas episode on your TV show. (If it’s set on earth, that is. Star Trek shows have been getting around that for decades.)
So, How I Met Your Mother may have an episode about how Ted slept with the slutty elf. The Office may feature yet another Christmas party where secrets are revealed and turkeys are exploded. And CSI might even feature an episode about the team hunting down the Jack Frost killer. Actually, that last one sounds kinda cool.
But how come the characters never just go home, have some eggnog, and reconvene on the new year? Would that be so hard to believe?

Trek vs. Wars vs. Why?
That earlier comment I made reminded me about the shouting match that William Shatner and Carrie Fisher got into over the internet.
What kind of voicepieces for their respective movements are Captain Kirk (1.0) and Princess Leia supposed to be? They make fun of each other and give their opinions on which is better based on special effects, villains, and kidney stones.
A better question to answer is which franchise has done the most to feed people starving in areas around the globe? Teaching people how to read? Making an impression on how people should live in future generations?
Considering how much division there is in each fandom already — Kirk vs. Picard, original trilogy vs. prequels — fans on both sides should consolidate themselves before attacking the opposite side. Either that or we* should all agree on one common enemy.
Can we all therefore agree that Battlestar Galactica sucks and just leave it that?

Holiday! Celebrate!
And yes, I realize that last month I was complaining about a lack of diverse holiday movies right before New Year’s Eve came out. I would give a copiously loquacious response about how it’s a tepid little affair with a played-out message and that you don’t get to spend any real time with the story lines you like because there are so many others that detract or get in the way and the whole thing doesn’t do anything that romantic comedies haven’t been doing for ages.
I would say that, but I haven’t actually seen it. Yes, yes, shame on me. But I already have experienced New Year’s Eve in all of its wonder and promise.
I need a movie about a holiday I haven’t experienced personally, like the Day of the Dead, or Festivus, or Saturnalia, even.
OK, so there is a movie called Day of the Dead, but I don’t think that’s what it meant. It, the holiday, is about people celebrating friends and family that have passed on into the great beyond all in the name of the goddess Mictecacihuatl. (Try saying that three times fast! Heck, try saying it once!) The movie from 1985 was about the friends and family themselves celebrating by coming back to life and trying to eat your brains, a time-honored tradition, indeed.
Of course, a Saturnalia movie would probably be just 90 minutes of gratuitous sex. So why haven’t we done that yet?
Maybe we’ll get an answer to that when the real New Year’s Day comes around. Heck, if anyone wants to do a Saturnalia movie with me, drop me a line. Happy 2012!

Hollywood’s Forgotten Holiday Movies

Fri, 4 Nov 2011 18:38:59 -0500

When someone says “holiday movie,” most people in this country automatically think of classics like It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, Santa Slay … in short, Christmas movies. And even now, the Christmas movie tide has started to roll in. With A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas starting the family fun this year, we are set for another round of “holiday movies.”
But Yule time isn’t the only time we celebrate. There are plenty of other holidays on the calendar that don’t get appreciation.
Sure, we get Halloween movies, but you’d be lucky to find a movie about St. Patrick’s Day. How many of us are pining for an Arbor Day movie? How about a movie celebrating Stay at Home Because You Are Well Day, which is always November 30? That could be intriguing. Everyone in the country plays hooky on the same day and we see what happens (besides the nation grinding to a halt and the Canadians deciding that it’d be a good day to invade — maple syrup all around!).
Well, I’m still waiting for a movie aimed at school-age kids that shows the real story of what the “first Thanksgiving” was like. Pilgrims arrive and are all excited about finding land. “Yay, there’s nobody here! … Except naked savages … but they don’t count … so it’s our land! And we don’t need any help feeding ourselves …” (until the winter).
After the winter: “Oh, thank you, noble people of this new land; we owe you so much. We thank you for helping us learn to cultivate the land. We thank you for not having any understanding of the concept of real estate ownership. We thank you for being susceptible to smallpox!” I’d love for the folks at Disney to come up with a song about that:

The white man came to trade
At least that’s what they said
But if they only wanted help with farming
Why are all my cousins dead?

Cue singing lobster.

James talks about remakes … again
OK, you know how I basically think that remakes are bottom-of-the-barrel drudge that Hollywood keeps scraping out and putting in theaters because they’re running low on creativity and not just in that “everything’s been invented already” type of way but in a way that is totally indicative of the creative drought that permeates our media outlets these days?
Well, that’s not entirely true. And maybe this is a point of contention, but I am usually fine when a remake uses a different name aside from taking a totally different tack from the initial film. Sure, there’s still that whole “we didn’t have a real idea so we stole one,” but at least they’re not saying “if you loved the first one, you will at least feel a slight fondness for ours.”
They use the first movie more as a springboard, and even if you’re familiar with the original product, you see a new and interesting take on an old story. Like turning the classic Dangerous Liaisons into Cruel Intentions (of course, a hot kiss between two hot actresses doesn’t hurt the quality of a movie; thank you, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair). Cactus Flower turns into Just Go With It (which is problematic for other reasons). And the classic tale of Guy Pearce lacking the ability to create new memories and trying in Memento becomes 50 First Dates.
Sooner or later, big-time producers will figure out that taking almost any movie previously made and remaking it set in Louisiana would enhance the hell out of it. You could have a very memorable affair on top of the Capitol building. A tale about an organized crime don and his family set on the streets of downtown? Well, that would pretty much be a documentary.

One more thing …
The Muppets come out with a new movie this month. It may suck, but it may be really cool. I’m gonna see it.
That’s all. See you next month when I announce that I’m starting production on my Labor Day movie.

Spoiler Alert: Songs Not Included

Fri, 7 Oct 2011 17:35:39 -0500

You ever get excited about a song that’s played during a movie trailer? So much so that when you hear that song on the radio or elsewhere you start thinking about the movie? And then when you finally go see the movie, that song is nowhere in the film?
You ever start writing an article and the first five sentences are questions? Me neither.
I’ve talked about truth in advertising before, usually when it pertains to bits of the movie that show up in the trailer but then are edited out of the final cut of the film. I also hate when a film spoils its own story.
Two examples that stand out are Mission to Mars and Cast Away. Mission to Mars gave away a key piece of information that, in the film, you don’t find out until about ten minutes are left in the movie. With Cast Away, all the trailers tell you the guy gets back to civilization after four years.
So watching Tom Hanks struggle for four years on the island to make fire, deal with depression, and lament his lack of quality dental care is pretty much a waste of time. The preview has him talking to people about the fact that he spent four years on a desert island. The only question that remains by the time you’ve watched the film for over two hours is whether or not his girl waited for him. I won’t spoil that for you just yet.
I was watching a preview for Real Steel and recognized an Eminem song playing through the wonderful dialogue as expounded by Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, and Annoying Hollywood Kid #467. That reminded me that the recent trailer for Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol also featured the real Slim Shady performing a song. And that made me think about songs that have appeared in trailers but not in the actual films. For instance, Faster, last year’s action flick with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, touted previews featuring The Heavy’s “How You Like Me Now,” but that song never made it into the final film, though other songs by the same band were part of the soundtrack.
In other news, I have way too much time on my hands to notice all this. I need to get laid. That’s pretty much a universal for everyone, though, n’est-ce pas?
I was going to mention NBC’s show The Playboy Club, and its attitudes about the objectification of women, violence on television, and the whole all-around retro thing that seems to repermeate the airwaves every few years. However, judging by the ratings of the first couple of episodes, the show will likely be off the air by the time this magazine gets to the newsstands. Bye-bye, bunny.
For the most part, I’m pretty pleased with getting the new TV shows back. The fall has ever been a time of promise, with ideas for new shows impressing the hell out of me for a good two, or in some cases, three episodes. Then everything pretty much turns to crap, with a few exceptions. And with there being hundreds of channels available these days, that means there’s always a plethora of low-quality programming available 24 hours a day.
Y’know, as much as I might complain about how much crap is on the tube, I find myself falling into plenty of mindless hours with the YouTube. And with Twitter giving direct access to celebrities and their recommendations for websites, music, and video (Dana Delaney just sent a YouTube link to some old ABC commercials), there’s plenty to divert the eager mind aside from real television. It’s easy to pick one or two shows and have plenty of story, background, and behind-the-scenes goodies to fill your time.
Ah, modern times, when there is always one way or another to fill your head with information (of varying degrees of value).

Calling Baton Rouge…
Do you know what’s great about today? Today, Baton Rouge got a little bigger on the map. As a matter of fact, it’s more than this 24-hour period; it’s a trend. Businesses are coming to town, the art culture is kicking up, and we’re getting movies, movies, movies!
Take Pitch Perfect, a film casting right now in our humble city. You want to sing a capella in a movie that stars Brittany Snow and Anna Camp? Now is your opportunity.
I know that’s a rather specific dream to have, but I’m sure you could grab a few friends, pick a song or two, and sing it for the people at Caballero Casting (a local casting agency). Just get a gaggle of your friends (five to 10 people, including your fine self), and create a video of a song you all love and adore — or at least don’t think absolutely sucks.
Do it for Louisiana. Do it for Baton Rouge. But most importantly, do it for me. I’d really like to see you guys portraying a group of singers trying to make it through the film’s big competition. I’d get a real kick out of it.
If you adore specificity like I do, you should check out http://caballerocasting.com/extras/pitch-perfect-casting/ for details.

By the Way…
If you ever get the chance to see A Love Song for Bobby Long, a little film with John Travolta and Scarlett Johansson set in the lovely little burg of New Orleans, it ain’t half bad. The story is engaging, Travolta is convincing, Scarlett is sexy, and I am a chauvinist. Yay! We’re all winners.
I’ll see you guys next month. I’m going to go plant a tree.
Also, Helen Hunt did not wait for Tom Hanks at the end of Cast Away. Now, if you want to watch him talk to a bloody volleyball for an hour and a half, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Toodles!

Guerrilla Filmmaking

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 10:19:39 -0500

You remember back when you had to record songs off the radio if you wanted a copy of them? Or when your garage band’s tunes were best distributed on cassettes passed around high schools and clubs?
It was reserved for the big boys to get their music into the Sound Warehouses and the Musiclands of yore. Likewise, it has been Big Hollywood, with its studio systems and distribution deals with the nationwide theater chains, that stands to make any real share of the billions of dollars the American citizenry has been throwing at movies for decades.
Nowadays, that system is still going strong, though there are people concerned for the future of the American movie theater industry, just as there were harbingers of the decline of the arcade.
Unlike the arcade, the movie industry isn’t threatened by home video game systems that provide the same, or in some cases deeper, experiences. An auditorium at your local multiplex gives you the opportunity to see first-run Hollywood films in an environment conducive to enveloping you in the cinematic experience. The huge screen, the dark theater, the 120-decibel sound system — these are things most folks can’t get at home.
In the olden days, the only way to get nationwide notoriety was to get a nationwide release through a studio. These days, with digital forums through the internet, instead of having your film projected on the neighbor’s truck at the local playground, the world is potentially your neighborhood. Hardly a captive audience, but every one of us has a story to tell. And at least one of the 6.8 billion people on this planet will likely want to hear that story.
We have the opportunity now to get real messages to people, to tell stories with meaning. Yet all we do is fill YouTube with images of people diving off of their roofs into inner tubes floating in their pools, or clips of funny Family Guy bits, or the ubiquitous “somebody gets hit in the crotch with a rapidly moving object.”
The great thing is you don’t need to find actors. You can do like Allen Funt did and catch people candidly.
In order to illustrate the government’s manipulation of our wills, you can glue your coworker’s car door shut. As he/she struggles to open the vehicle he/she bought with money earned by bleeding hands, sweat, and elbow grease, you can narrate that this is a metaphor for the taxation and control that the fascist regime seeks in putting its heel into the face of every red-blooded American. And that’s just off the top of my head.
The problem with reality shows is that the people know they’re on camera. Big Brother, Real World, Amazing Race? They all know they’re on camera and thus don’t act like they would in reality. Would it be asking too much for a documentary or a real reality event where the people on camera truly act like they would in their normal everyday lives?
If you force celebrities into shark-infested waters (I’m thinking Charlie Sheen might work really well for this) to illustrate to us the sentiments of the have-nots toward those who don’t appreciate being haves, I believe that’d be a great thing to depict. That’s the kind of movie that you and I could make.
We need not worry about trying to pitch the idea to Fox or Paramount. We just go into Beverly Hills, bold as you please, kidnap Mr. Sheen, and toss him in the drink. Make sure we film it, and then post it on YouTube. True, that’s not exactly a moneymaking proposal, but I think, with the notoriety and publicity, we could figure out a fiscal plan for it.
Get on that, folks!
You think Los Angeleans (Los Angelinos? Los Angelicans?) ever get tired of seeing their houses, places of work, familiar haunts, and the like up on the screen? If you work at the airport there, you’ve also seen those landmark crossed arches in half the movies that are filmed in town. And since half of all movies are set in either New York or Los Angeles (OK, that’s a hyperbole, but not much of one), that happens with some regularity.
We as Baton Rougeans (Red Stickers? Red Twigs?) still get excited without a doubt when we see familiar local sights in movies. Even scenes of New Orleans’ landmark spots make us giddy with delight, n’est-ce pas?
I, for one, am looking forward to the point at which we become as jaded as the Angelesese. I want to see Baton Rouge on the big screen, on the small screen, in the YouTubes and the Hulus and the Netflixes. I want to see Al Pacino spitting on the sidewalk in front of the Main Street Market. I want to see Meryl Streep smacking a ho on the steps of the state Capitol. I want to see Charlize Theron naked on top of Cortana Mall. Or at the Mall of Louisiana. Or, really, just naked, somewhere.
Don’t you think it’d be great to see Ryan Reynolds chilling shirtless in front of the Goodwood Library in a movie, and instead of thinking “Wow, I used to read kids books there! That place has a very distinctive smell (though not a bad one, per se)!” you might think something more like “I wonder what kind of exercise regimen Ryan uses.”
That’s what I want. I want people to be inundated with Baton Rouge scenery. I want people all across the country to be as sick of the New Bridge and the state Capitol as they are of the Capitol Records building and the Hollywood sign.
So let’s go forth, BR. Let’s be ambitious!

Why the World Needs Superhero Movies

Fri, 5 Aug 2011 18:09:41 -0500

The summer has seen a slew of cinematic superheroes on the silver screen. And a slew of superhero-loving moviegoers went and enjoyed the visceral madness that envelops us every year between Memorial Day and Labor Day. That envelope opens earlier and earlier, what with tentpole movies like Iron Man, Iron Man 2, and Thor making early May part of the whole superhero summer season. We’ve seen a god of thunder, an emerald space policeman, a rehash of our favorite mutant team, and the original Sentinel of Liberty fight his way through legions of WWII Nazis. That’s a lot of popcorn.
In a recent article in Entertainment Weekly, Owen Gleiberman questions whether or not the movie industry is pumping out too many superhero flicks. To him, I say, “phhhbbbtttt!”
The world needs heroes. Sometimes those heroes fall shy of the ideal. And in movies, we seek an escape from the reality of which many of us are far too aware. Where then shall we turn to fill that combined need other than the superhero movie?
There are other tales of the heroes of our age (or ages long since past or ages that never were, or even ages yet to be [starting to sound like the ghostly cast of A Christmas Carol]). You’ve got your Indiana Jones, your James Bond, your Jack Burton (from Big Trouble in Little China — 1986 — it’s a cool movie; check it out).
On the other hand, there are comic book movies that aren’t superhero movies. These we hardly need discuss because people don’t see them in the same category. If I told you that Tom Hanks’ Road to Perdition or Viggo Mortensen’s A History of Violence were originally graphic novels, you’d look at me askance. (You’d easily believe me if I said 300, but that’s more a product of Zach Snyder’s flashy filmmaking than the subject matter.)
Superhero movies, though, oho! Yes, there have been a crap ton of awful films. And yes, there have been enough parodies of the genre that have pointed out not only that there is plenty to ridicule, but that we’re all already familiar with the archetypal superhero stories. (By the way, if anyone suggests watching My Super Ex-Girlfriend to you, run. RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!)
And that’s the real issue. I think directors feel obligated to tell the origin stories for every one of these guys. But we already know most of these stories. And if we don’t, I think I’d rather you spend five minutes telling me how Green Lantern makes green things with his mind and then let me watch him kick alien butt for an hour and a half than the other way around. I believe that, if you’re willing to accept that someone can shoot webbing out of his body, how he came to the decision to put on tights and save the world is less important.
Take the first Batman movie. Well, the first post-Adam West Batman movie, anyway. It succeeds on more levels than it fails. A lot of that is because when we pick up with Bruce Wayne, he’s already Batmanning around Gotham. Sure, we get a flashback from when his parents were killed, which sparked the whole Caped Crusade, but that’s well after we’ve already seen him fight bad guys, save the girl (twice!), and drive around in the most unique vehicle this side of Dragula.
The stories that comics are telling these days are light years beyond what they were when I was a young’n, but America is comfortable with what superheroes themselves are. Unless you’re Christopher Nolan, Matthew Vaughn, or Jon Favreau, or someone else with a fresh way to tell those origin stories, just build on what we know. No need to reinvent the radioactive spider.

On Celebrity Names
“What’s wrong with ‘John’? It’s a nice, strong name.”
Can someone tell me why, when people get famous, they forget how to name kids?
And who would suspect that someone with a name so elegant as actress Helena Bonham Carter would allow her son (I’m assuming it’s a son) to be named Billy Ray. That either sounds like an achy-breaky country star or a mad scientist’s device that turns everyone into male goats.
Don’t you find it ironic that Jamie Oliver, who wants to tell the world how to eat, would name his daughter “Daisy Boo”? And another “Petal Blossom Rainbow”? “Buddy Bear Maurice”? “Poppy Honey Rosie”!?! I guess he doesn’t want to tell us how to name kids, huh?
That’s all. I just wanted to vent for a second. Enjoy August. And wish me a happy birthday.

Shot in Baton Rouge

Fri, 1 Jul 2011 14:32:32 -0500

No, I’m not about to start talking about murder attempts in our fair city; I’m talking shooting with the Sundance Ultra HCVR-A1UM-EXplusAlpha Championship Edition with turbo handling or some other high-end camera. Baton Rouge and surrounding areas are set to be a veritable hotbed of moviemaking in the months to come.
Now that we’re really seeing some bigger movies coming through town to film, what lies on the horizon for our fair city? After a swath of Baton Rougeans inundated the Green Lantern movie (3 stars, by the way, if you’re asking), there are still a number of interesting films that are or will be pumping Hollywood dollars into the local economy.
One film of note coming our way is Universal Soldier. Yes, you read that right. There’s another Jean-Claude Van Dammit movie featuring what’s-his-name, the ultimate soldier. Because that last one was sooooo good. You remember, right? It was the one that went straight to video (practically; I think the only places it was shown on a big screen were Austin, Israel, and Santo Domingo). Well, they’re filming a sequel to that one. Here. So if you see Jean-Claude or Dolph Lundgren around town, offer to buy him some walnuts or Swedish meatballs, respectively.
And who could forget about Battleship? Yes, finally, the intricately detailed plots and machinations of the most complex and convoluted game will be coming to the big screen! How will they do right by this mega-saga of a story and keep it under four hours?!!
A few years ago in this column, I sarcastically wrote about adapting the game of chess into a movie. Of course, chess is just a simulation of politics and war, so any movie about those things is kind of about chess. The game of Battleship is also about war, so in fact, there have already been hundreds of movies made about Battleship. So I guess I should be glad that Milton Bradley has such a great pitchman.

Hollywood Exec: “What’s this movie about, then?”
MB Pitchman: (Places board game on the table. Uses a single peg to simulate a missile hitting a battleship then makes explosion sounds.) “Kaboom!”
Hollywood Exec: “I like it!”

Now we come to the nitty-gritty. Abraham Lincoln. Our 16th president of these United States. A true hero to the people. Many have wondered what he did in his free time.
Wonder no longer. Mr. Beard-No-Mustache hunted the undead, aka the children of the night, aka Nosferatu. That’s right: Mr. Lincoln was a vampire hunter. And it’ll be our locals he’ll be chopping through with unholy fury (and holy water) when Seth Grahame-Smith’s book gets the big picture treatment. Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until next summer to see it happen, but THAT’s one to keep your eye on.
There will be more, Baton Rouge. Let’s keep it going strong! Actually, a little stronger wouldn’t hurt.

Specificity
I’m sure there’s something you’re an expert on. There has to be something that’s filling that brain of yours. Maybe it’s the thing you want to be a master of information on — Ford Mustangs 1964½ through 1973, or Pez dispensers, or phonographs, or motherboards for Apple II computers, or Queen Anne furniture, or political speeches 987-1065 A.D.
Maybe the thing you’re an expert on is closer to you. All 17 things that Little Billy is allergic to? Everything there is to know about all of your boss’ clients? Specific or general, particular or universal, you know things.
In movies, the same principle applies. There are people who know the industry in general. There are those who know genres. (I find myself with a fair amount of knowledge in the science fiction arena.) There are people who know wardrobes so well, not only could they tell you who the costumers were on The Wizard of Oz, but they could tell you why and how they decided on which colors the Lollipop Guild would wear.
For example, my friend Glass is an expert on physics in movies. He could give a #$%& about wardrobe. Ask him about the misrepresentation of a force-to-velocity ratio for any particular explosion in Saving Private Ryan, or if you want to know exactly what should have happened to that safe in Fast Five, he could tell you within 0.5%. By the way, Glass is single.
The point is, we all choose to fill our heads with something. That doesn’t make any of us any more or less capable. Our brains have one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit.
If the only movies we saw were 1970s blaxploitation films, doubtless we could tell you the significance of every choice of angle, which cars the pimps drive, and how much gold each character wears. I am saying we should be glad we have the choice to determine our own scales for connoisseuring. (Yeah, it’s a word. I used it, didn’t I?)
May July treat you well. I’ll be going to Mexico for the first time. A friend of mine is doing a documentary about donkeys or something. I’m not sure; he just told me he needed a face for some of the dramatic scenes. He said he wanted to get some reaction shots when they showed the donkey or something like that. I’ll let y’all know about it next month.
Happy summer. Stay cool. (By the way, movie theaters are well air-conditioned.)

Say What??

Fri, 3 Jun 2011 19:33:51 -0500

I get involved in conversations about movies quite often, as you can imagine. From time to time, those conversations involve famous quotes from movies (or sometimes not-so-famous quotes — “I’m a leaf on the wind,” anyone?).
Actually, movie quotes tend to pop up in all types of conversations. The funny thing is, they are more often than not misquoted; at least, most of the big ones are.
I was reminded of this recently, the phenomenon that famous movie lines are rarely remembered accurately. More often, the first reference in real-life dialogue is remembered, and then that is attributed to the original movie.
When the banditos in Blazing Saddles say “Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!” who questions that that was the original line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre? Heck, most people probably attribute that line to Blazing Saddles in the first place. You’d have to ask why that line would have been funny in that movie if it weren’t originally from some other flick. You see what I mean? But that’s not my point.
I defy you to find the following lines of dialogue uttered in each of these movies: “Play it again, Sam” in Casablanca; “Luke, I am your father” in The Empire Strikes Back; and if you can find a scene in the original Dracula where Bela Lugosi says, “I want to suck your blood,” I will give you my car. (Actually, if you’ve seen my car, you know this isn’t that big of a risk. But I stand by it!!)
I’m typically a stickler for specificity. When it comes to who said what when and for how many dollars, I am one of those people at the party who corrects folks when they say “Top of the world, Ma!” (I chime in with: “Actually, James Cagney’s quote from 1949’s White Heat was ‘Made it, Ma! Top of the World!’” Yeah, people love me. But hey, it got me on Jeopardy!)
We should be OK with misquoting movies, as long as we know it. Otherwise, it’s like listening to remakes of songs and not realizing there was an earlier version. You worship the perverted version, the unpure. When you’re in Vegas, that’s OK, but when you’re swallowing movies into your soul, you should know what they should really taste like.
By the way, the original phrasing for the badges quote is this: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!”
This is was a fantastic scene, but be careful quoting this movie in Wisconsin. The last thing you need is a bunch of U of W Badger fans on your tail for no good reason.
Back in the day, when the Western was king, it was perfectly understandable and even encouraged to have regular white folk playing the parts of Native Americans. You didn’t want anyone on set who was actually peeved that the white man had taken his land, so the real “Indians” appeared in character only rarely. Though, apparently, there exists actual footage of some being run off the set of a John Wayne film. These are all rumors, of course.
Nowadays, you’d expect to see a role designed for a Chinese guy played by a Chinese guy. Likewise, a role for an Asian Indian played by an Asian Indian, similarly for a Canadian, and so on. Granted, there’s a little leeway with Caucasian roles (plenty of Brits have played Americans), but all in all, roles are part and parcel with the ethnicity of the character.
Kind of surprising then that Johnny Depp will be playing Tonto when The Lone Ranger hits screens in a couple of years. Maybe we’re getting the opportunity to see how far he can stretch his acting chops, or maybe it’s The Jazz Singer all over again.
I’m OK with African Americans playing Norse gods, but no one in the movie Thor was pretending Idris Elba was Scandinavian. Maybe that’s how Akira will wind up. We’ll just ignore that all the people in this remake of a Japanese anime who all have Japanese names are whiter than Frosty the Snowman.
Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe we don’t all need to go to Race Unity Day and embrace ourselves as all being human. Perhaps my flatulence smells pleasant to all around me.
Well, anything’s possible.
That’s enough from me. Remember to be thankful to have freedoms and all that. But we’ll talk more about that for the July issue. Still, with Memorial Day in recent memory and the anniversary of D-Day dominating the American zeitgeist, let’s all dance and have a good time. Love, luck and lollipops. See you next month. …

The Way We Watch Movies

Fri, 6 May 2011 16:07:49 -0500

I remember the Broadmoor. I remember traditional theater seating, where you had to be concerned if someone tall or with big hair were in front of you. I remember seeing Ghost there the night my friend Vic told that chick that liked him that her sister was cuter. I remember seeing Bambi there, for crying out loud, back when I was a wee pup.
Maybe my brain is fogged with nostalgia for a simpler time, but I miss that experience. The smell of burnt popcorn, the sticky sounds my sneakers would make walking between seats, and the unavoidable shout of “down in front” at least once during any given show.
Of course, that was before I learned the truth about what that couple was doing in the back of the theater. My mom told me that the young lady was sick and the lad was taking care of her. Apparently, he was taking really good care of her.
Nowadays, there are several ways to experience the magic of movies. First, of course, is the traditional theater, which these days isn’t worth going to unless it shows more films than you have fingers. (Therefore, if you were in an accident with a pepperoni-slicing machine when you were a kid, you can be less picky.) Mandatory aspects of these include stadium seating, digital sound, and a concession stand that wafts the perfume of movie theater popcorn, which magically implants the phrase “You know what? I DO feel like spending $20 on concessions tonight!” into your brain.
Aside from the theaters, you can also download them from a variety of services. Some of these are even legal! You got your pay-per-view, your On Demand, your iTunes, your set-top boxes, and your video game consoles. And if you want a hard copy, you can get a DVD or a Blu-ray.
You got it all, digitally, optically, analogally, metaphorically. You can watch it on a house, you can watch it with a mouse. You can watch it in your palm, you can watch it with your mom, on TVs, computers, phones, iPods, all types of mobile devices.
Drive-in theaters? Only if you feel like leaving the state. I would have tried to figure out where the closest one to Baton Rouge is, but they’re in towns so small, when I typed in the names, Google Maps responded “Seriously? You’re making that up, bro!”
The point is, it’s no longer a special event to experience a movie, which is good and bad. It takes something special for a motion picture to become something we really want to experience on the big screen.
The common movie that the industry is putting out has to have so much marketing behind it to guarantee a certain number of American butts get into seats on opening weekend so it can clear its budget early on before it gets lost in the mélange of cultural memory. There are always a few standouts, but there’s no way to guarantee what will make that big of a dent in the Great American Psyche.
Did you know there was a city called “F—king” in Austria? I think that’s funny. That’s unrelated to anything I’m talking about, though.
When I was younger, I used to go down to the arcade all the time. I used to put quarter after quarter into a game called Wizards of Wor. There was also Berzerk, Ms. Pac-Man, and Spy Hunter.
Now, the outings to the arcades are over, and the arcades themselves are all but gone, replaced by bric-a-brac stores and Starships coffee places. With very few exceptions, the way we experience video games is at home, either on a tricked-out PC or on a fancy console that can generate graphics in literally 20 times more detail than yesteryear’s arcade machines.
That outing has been replaced by sitting on the couch and connecting to people online. And I use the term “connect” here very loosely. I really wouldn’t call yelling at 12-year-olds and listening to them yell homophobic remarks “connecting” in the traditional sense.
We’re not too far from that experience overtaking movies. The main thing keeping first-run movies from coming to your living rooms is that showing everyone Thor or Harry Potter or the next big movie on that fancy 40” screen you have may be impressive, but it’s still not the same as walking into a theater with one or two or ten of your friends to watch extravagant special effects and hear thrumming booms in front of a 40-foot screen.
Hell, we should bring back some of the classic flicks to theater. Make it cheap; make it affordable for parents to bring the family back to the theater and smell that burnt popcorn. Pop Raiders of the Lost Ark into the projector and recreate that same magic with the kids you felt all those years ago!
Just don’t ask what that couple in the back is doing. You’re better off not knowing.

Box Office Bumfuzzled

Fri, 1 Apr 2011 08:43:11 -0500

If you pay as close attention to the weekend box office numbers as I do, it’s apparent that Americans in general (and Louisianians in particular) aren’t shelling out the same dough to see movies as they did a couple of years ago. Two reasons why this is the case are: 1) We are in a recession, and 2) Movies lately have sucked.
Early 2011 hasn’t been chock-full of “gotta see” movies. Given the pinch that the average consumer is experiencing, it’ll take a significant draw for any movie to make the numbers that studios are hoping for. With numbers down 20%, things look gloomy, but with enough proper marketing, solid characterizations, bold visuals, and plenty of nudity, things could be turning around soon for our favorite form of mass entertainment.*
With its gargantuan failure in March, Mars Needs Moms joins the elite club of box office bombs. But even more of a distinction is that it cost more than $100 million to make and reaped less than $10 million in its opening weekend. That is garbage. That is utter and complete garbage. To paraphrase Churchill, “Never has so much effort and imagery been ignored by so many.”
I think, somewhere, Eddie Murphy is finally feeling a little redeemed over the catastrophic incontinence known as Pluto Nash. Now we have a more recent bomb to start comparing everything with, so the people behind Gigli can relax and fade into obscurity.
While many in Hollywood are trying to find a dictionary so they can figure out what words like “story” and “character” mean, interest in anything outside the main Hollywood feed tube should be piqued. Even though the tried and true source of moving picture narrative is sliding off course, we’ll see plenty of excitement this summer when the “tentpole” (the industry’s term, not mine) movies show up to bust some blocks. Thor, Green Lantern, Captain America, Super 8, and a host of others should have fans coming to the movies in droves, and to the concession stands in flocks! And to the bathrooms in gaggles!
Still, with the box office slumping more than a depressed kid with scoliosis, its high time Louisiana made its play for the big market. You all know that movies like Twilight: Breaking Dawn and Battle: Los Angeles were filmed here in the Red Stick. (I think it’s funny that a company headquartered in Los Angeles would come to Baton Rouge to film a movie set in Los Angeles! Define “irony.”) But what the market is telling us is that people simply don’t want the typical Hollywood formula.
You should look into what you can do to vitalize the Louisiana film industry. Write a script. Buy a camera. Have girls come over to your house for “auditions.” Negotiate locations with local residents and businesses. Rent a big room with a projector and show your work to the world.
You probably won’t be able to charge for it, but word will get out. And if nothing comes from it, at least you’ll have those auditions. And probably an STD.
A slumping box office doesn’t mean it’ll stay that way. This summer, there are plenty reasons to get out and patronize your local theater, if not enough reasons to pay $6.50 for nachos.
But if the movies continue to decline, I’m sure something will come along to fill the entertainment vacuum (which, by the way, has nothing to do with the cast of Jersey Shore). Maybe the Louisiana film industry. Maybe a new kind of video game. Maybe it will be something I can’t even conceive. But probably a video game combined with Facebook.

Future so bright?
I just wanted to remark that there have been a lot of films set in the future. But as time has passed, the future that those movies visualized has passed, at least chronologically.
So many movies counted on us having flying cars by the year 2000. Well, that hasn’t happened, and I’m OK with that. Drivers these days are challenged enough handling their vehicles in two dimensions. Letting them travel willy-nilly through a third just seems like asking for trouble.
One of my favorite flying-car movies is Back to the Future Part II. Do you realize how close we are to the year 2015, when much of that film was set?
Some things are off, like the whole flying-car thing. But some things filmmakers Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg got right. Five dollars for a coke? Nope, but a $5 coffee these days isn’t uncommon. Talking advertisements? Yep. Bullies with issues? Spot on! All I need is a hoverboard within the next four years, and I will sing the praises of that movie for the rest of my life.
Well, I’ve got to work on getting Alyssa Milano to divorce her husband. If anyone knows how I can hack his Twitter feed, let me know. Happy April!

*Well, it’s just about the most fun you can have sober with your clothes on.