Here goes nothin':

Let's get one thing straight: there is no such thing as an "open relationship." Wait, wait; I hear your protestations. I hear your cries, "But if it's mutual … if we are two consenting adults …" No. There's no such thing; get over it.

Well, maybe I should explain. I'll start with a story. A friend of a friend of a friend (I know, it's complicated) is dating this girl. And they have what they both call an "open relationship." They define this thing as being an agreement between two mature adults. They go on dates. They watch movies and do laundry on Sunday afternoons. They accompany one another to weddings and group outings. They also sleep with other people … or, at least, he does.

That's the first problem, really. Most "open relationships" start out a little like this:

Guy: Oh, I really like you. You're really hot. I want to give you sweet, sweet lovin' all night.

Girl: (blushes) Oh, I really like you, too. I wouldn't mind if you gave me some sweet, sweet lovin'.

Guy: (searches the room for his boxers after said lovin') Uh, I, uh, need to go.

Girl: (casual hair toss to show she doesn't care) Uh, yeah. I have things to do. I'll call you sometime soon.

But then things get a little more complicated because they've had sex. And really, sex makes everything more complicated.

Story continues:

Guy: Hey girl, I really like you. Let's hang out all the time. I'll come sleep at your place and we'll have fun. We'll just enjoy each other's company.

Girl: Oh, that sounds good. How about we just plan to see each other a couple nights a week. I, you know, have other plans.

This is the part of the story that turns sour, because, you see, the guy thinks that the girl is cool with sleeping around … as in, she's cool with an "open relationship."

The story continues:

Guy: Oh, that's great. I have other things to do. But wait, we're cool with not calling this anything, right? I mean, we don't need labels.

Girl: (thinking the guy just has a phobia of "labels") Oh, yeah. We don't need to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. That's so old-school. Let's just hang out.

And there, right there, the girl, she just agreed to sleeping with him while he is sleeping with other people. They just talked their way right into an "open relationship," one free of labels and the constructs of society.

Bullsh–t. What's really going on here is that she'll go out and party with her girlfriends on the nights she doesn't see him, get plastered, and drunk-dial him for a little late-night nooky. He, on the other hand, will have gone out with his friends, looking for a hot new piece of ass. When he gets her drunk-dial, he'll already have his pants around his ankles, testing out a new thing he saw in a cartoon diagram in the front pages of Maxim last month.

Of course, she'll leave a crazy voice mail that will make her seem drunk and desperate, because she is drunk. However, she's not desperate for a relationship, just desperate for a little bit of booty – which she thinks she can now call on at a moment's notice because they have an "understanding."

Really, there's no way that this can end well. Guy says something. Girl thinks it means something else. Guy and girl eventually clash. It sucks. They "break up," if you can call it that. End of story.

But in the aftermath, they don't understand what happened. The girl thinks that she was clear. The guy thought they had an understanding. Now they both think that either the other is crazy or that they did something wrong. (Hint: Usually the girl thinks she did something wrong and the guy thinks that all women are crazy.)

So I see this "open relationship" occupied by the friend of a friend of a friend of mine, and I just can't help but think that this is going to end poorly. I mean, how can it not?

But what do you say? Do you speak up? Do you let them know that this can't possibly be productive? (That's really a whole different article, so I'll skip it.) Suffice to say that you keep your mouth shut … or in this instance, I keep my mouth shut and watch as it all unfolds.

But I can already see the downfall. I can already see the warning signs up ahead. Danger. Someone will get hurt. Nine times out of ten, it is going to be the girl – although there's always that one hardened one who has seen this play out and knows the game a little too well. She'll be fine. It's just the other 90% that I worry about.

It's that majority of women, of girls, of all females (whatever you want to call us) that need to get it straight that there's no such thing as an open relationship. I could say, “Hey, men, there's no such thing,” and they would just laugh at me, because it doesn't serve them well to admit it. To admit it would mean that they couldn't keep talking girls into them and out of their panties without a "label." That's why I'm going for the females here.

I repeat: There is no such thing as an "open relationship."