Dear Baton Rouge Relationship Blogger,

She has long legs. She has beautiful olive skin and dark hair. She has full, luscious lips. She lives in New York City.

That's right, I'm talking about Emily Gould, famous sex and relationship blogger. Her blog, which chronicled her life and the ups and downs of her relationship with her boyfriend on Emily Magazine, kept readers interested, fired up, and downright addicted.

There was something about the way she wove her stories. Something about how frank, raw, and honest her posts were. There was something, well, intelligent about them. And to make matters better for her, she was good at it. Her writing, my dear, didn't suck.

But you, little girl, you are no Emily Gould.

You, you, my dear, live in Baton Rouge.

For those of you not familiar with what I'm talking about, there's a certain kind of person (several here in Baton Rouge) that thinks we care about her relationships. These people think we care about what they do, how they dress, how drunk they got last weekend, and how they got dumped by those guys last month.

They think we care because they blog about it.

Vapid, poorly written, sadly uninteresting, little blogs fill up the internet from right here in Baton Rouge. And even worse than wasting valuable space on this World Wide Web is that they think we care.

OK, that's when someone from the audience stands up and points the finger right back at me. "Hey, you, Scarlett! We don't care about your love life. We don't care about your advice. Your relationship rhetoric sucks."

I get it. I am no Carrie Bradshaw (nor do I want to be). But you, you, my dear, are no Emily Gould.

Let's examine the situation:

1. 1)Location, location, location.
   

Um, hello. Anyone remember where we live? Baton Rouge. Now, don't get me wrong. There is nothing at all wrong with this town. However, we don't have the nightlife, the drama, or the sheer population of New York City.

That's a great thing and an awful thing. You see, it's great because we're free of the chaos that comes with NYC, but it sucks because your love life, your sad little dates, don't even have the ability to hold an online reader's interest for five minutes. There's no rendezvous on the Brooklyn Bridge. No passing glances at swanky parties with all the glitz and glamour of a movie. There's no sparkle. And without those things, there's nothing to make your reader interested.

2) There must be drama.

OK, so you went out on a date and he didn't call you for a second. Woo-hoo. Big deal. Where's the juice? Where's the intrigue? Where's the meat?

Do you mean to tell me that you not getting a phone call back makes for an interesting story line? No, sweetie. It doesn't. We're all over it.

Remember that book, He's Just Not That Into You? Get a copy. Memorize it.

3) Snooze fest. Boring.

Here's the real kicker: you're boring. You don't have fits of rage. You don't overreact at dinner and douse your date in a dirty martini. You don't throw a fit in the middle of an art gallery opening. Point being, you're normal. And let's face it. Normal is boring.

4) You just suck.

That's right. I said it. It's mean, it's cruel, and it’s way too harsh for public consumption. But all in all, you suck.

That's not to say that I'm any better; I just got lucky and landed a column in a juicy local pub. And somehow, someway, people actually read it.

You, however, seem to think that your mass comm. major made you a writer. Sorry, no dice.

What does all of this mean? What's the point of publicly humiliating you? Why am I being a complete and utter bitch? Because I care. (Insert boos from the crowd.)

No, really, relationships, like most intimate situations, require time, effort, and commitment. They require trust and honesty. They require the ability to act without fear that you'll end up plastered in someone's poorly written relationship blog.

See, here's the real problem: Relationship blogging has no stopgap. There's no moment of reflection. No fancy editor sitting in her office, correcting your spelling errors (thank you, editor). And really, there's no moment between writing it and releasing it to the world.

In essence, you're screwing yourself, Emily Gould wannabe. You're putting a hit on your love life. You're taking one for the team. If you don't care, if you want to be the single cat-lady for the rest of your life, go for it.

I'm just saying, think about it.

Emily Gould and that boyfriend from Emily Magazine had a horrible breakup. The next guy she dated publicly humiliated her and bashed her blog in a very biting way. The next guy she dated was a celebrity, and you can guess how that one ended.

So not only are you really just in a bad location, lacking in any sort of drama, boring and way too clean-cut, and a horrible writer, but you're ruining all potential relationships.

Ouch, that sounds harsh, but it's true.

So, what's the deal? What's the solution? I have two options for you:

1) Slut it up.

Whoa, you say. I don't need to be a slut in order to have a good relationship blog. Yes, you do. It isn't interesting if nothing happens. If you want the interest, the readership, the fun that comes from living your life on the web, you have to make it worth reading.

2) Give it up.

This, my little wannabe, is probably your best bet. Go into WordPress and click the unpublish button. Put down the mouse. Turn off the monitor and step away from the computer. It's over, honey.

At the end of the day, it is important to remember who we are, not who we think we could be if we dressed up our lives online. And really, if you still want to be Emily Gould – lonely, depressed, can't hold down a relationship to save her life Emily Gould – go for it. It's all yours; just don't expect anyone to read it.