Little Mikey Welch and Zachary Taylor were best friends in second grade. Every day, on the cracked pavement playground with rusted monkey bars, they played tag and four corners. That was, until blonde-haired, blue-eyed Scarlett showed up. She didn’t realize it at the time, but her presence sparked a firestorm of little-boy jealousy and war between the best friends, friends that attended Boy Scouts, soccer games, and laser tag together.

The affection Mikey and Zachary showed Scarlett was more in line with hair-pulling and chasing her around the playground, taunting her. In fact, she had no idea they liked her at all. That was, until Valentine’s Day. On that day, back in 1980-something, Mikey and Zachary both showed up at their dilapidated New Orleans public school with presents.

Zachary went the traditional route. He brought her fake pearl earrings and a necklace in a shiny red box. And he interrupted her class to give them to her. Scarlett turned the color of her name, while all the kids laughed at her.

Now, if Scarlett had been twenty or so years older, she might have been flattered by the gift, and there might have been a cocktail or two during the course of the night, ending with Scarlett and Zachary getting down and dirty V-Day night. However, she was seven years old, and boys were gross.

Mikey, on the other hand, still did the hair-pulling and chasing on the playground, but he also talked to Scarlett. He cheered her on at jump rope. And when he passed her in the hallway between art class and English, he handed her a Hello Kitty diary set with a lock and key. Because little Scarlett loved to write, Mikey won her affection – well, sort of; boys were still gross.

Now, while it may seem rudimentary, gentlemen – that’s right: get your hands out of your pants; I’m talking to you … While that may seem rudimentary, there are lessons to be learned in the competition for my affection between Mikey and Zachary:

1) As much as Valentine’s Day sucks for you – you have to plan flowers or candy or jewelry or a fancy dinner – you need to do it. You may think that having raunchy sex with your girlfriend/wife/mistress/life partner shows her that you love her madly and endlessly. Well, you’re wrong.

Loading your dishes into the dishwasher every other night does not tell her that she has your undying devotion. Lounging on the couch all day Sunday does not express to her that there is no other woman in the world that you adore more than her. As much as you may resent the holiday, V-Day is your opportunity to step up your game.

And how much easier can it possibly get to remember? There’s a national holiday to remind YOU to tell her and show her how much you love her. Get over being cool. Get over being too good for it and participate. And …

2) All the flowers in the world will not win over your ladylove if she is allergic to them. Fancy earrings mean nothing if her ears aren’t pierced. And a Meat Lover’s Supreme pizza delivered to her at work means nothing if she’s a vegetarian. Get the picture?

Listen to your lover. Yes, I realize you might actually have to bear with the annoying prattle of what her sister told her mom, who is mad at her cousin for that thing that happened at the family reunion last weekend, but you’ll survive. I promise.

And what does the combination of these two things get you? It gets you the opportunity to show love and affection for all that sex in the shower and blow jobs on long car trips. It gets you a little more appreciation and a little more faith. And, just maybe, it gets you the ability to go out on a few more guys’ nights a month because she “knows” you’re completely enamored with her.

And let’s be honest: The only reason you’re even worried about V-Day at all is because you know, if you screw up this one, your chances of getting to celebrate Steak and a Blow Job Day in March are next to nil. (Don’t worry. For those of you out of the loop on the existence/importance of Steak and a Blow Job Day, I’ll fill you in next month.)

The moral of the story is that, if Mikey, Zachary, and Scarlett were adults, Mikey would have gotten laid – several times. And Zachary would have been stuck with a bottle of lotion, cheap porn, and a frozen dinner on March 14.

Choose wisely, my friends; choose wisely.