It’s been a while, I know. But I never meant to hurt you, turning a cold shoulder to the Red Shtick readership.

You stayed with me through the hot, sweaty, single nights and the first few months of a sometimes sweet, sometimes raunchy, but serious relationship. That takes commitment — something you’re very good at, at least via a magazine column.

Why was I gone for so long, you may ask? Well, I got a little confused, a little wrapped up in one of those things where great sex turns into mediocre sex, which turns into not having sex. I think they call that a breakup, but whatever.

Wait, what is that you say? You’d rather talk about good sex? Me too.

Communication is a funny thing. There’s the kind that you do while you’re gabbing on a cell phone, driving down I-10 westbound right before you hit College Drive. There’s the kind with your mother on Sunday afternoon when she’s reminding you that you really should hit the gym now and then.

And then there’s the kind you do in relationships: the bitchy, relationship kind; the breathy, panting, grab-the-headboard kind of communication; and the kind that leads to serious decision-making.

We’re friends here, so let’s be honest. We all prefer the headboard-banging kind, but I wonder if it’s possible to have that without the bitchy kind or the serious kind.

Sure, you can scan the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist all you want for a random hook-up, and you can pillage the singles late at night at The Office on Third, but those trysts include more awkward communication than anything else. You know, like the calling-someone-else’s-name-midclimax kind or the yeah-I’ll-call-you-sometime walking-out-the-door types. But that’s not the really good stuff.

The good headboard-banging communication is something of an anomaly. It falls somewhere between friends with benefits and the first three months of a really great relationship. You know, the honeymoon phase. It’s the kind of hot and heavy dirty talk covering everything from “Why don’t we try this?” to “How does it feel when I do that?” and the inevitable “Just like that. Yes!”

But how do you get there? And how do you make it last?

There seem to be a few options for bed-rocking lingual late-nights. Here are just a few:

Post-breakup friend sex

You don’t know how it happened. You don’t know who started it, but one night, you’re lying on the couch watching Zombieland, eating popcorn, and drinking beer with him/her.

Someone is stressed. The breakup was awful. A back massage here, a long hug there, and bam! Clothes are off, dinner plates hit the floor, and you’re on top of the kitchen table, and then on the floor, up against the hallway wall, on the edge of the bed … and having post-sex sex in the shower.

You have the “Is this weird?” conversation. “No, no, it totally isn’t.”

All the while, you commuuuuunicate. And it’s easy because, well, you’ve been able to talk for years without stripping down and humping like rabbits. You’ve heard each other burp and laughed about it. Now you just know whether your friend talks dirty in bed or tempts the neighbors to call the cops to quiet down all that screaming.

Granted, there can be some awkward moments the next day. Do you kiss goodbye or just hug? Do you text to thank him for hanging out? Or do you just go about your business until the next movie night?

I’d recommend any of the above because, well, it’ll be worth it. And if it turns into something, great. And if it doesn’t, you’re still friends. You’ll just never think of the kitchen table at his house/your house the same way ever again.

Ex sex with rules

Let’s be honest here (come on, I’m telling you how to get the good stuff; you can be frank with me): We’ve all thought about it. There was that one, that one time that he jumped you before you were even in the front door. You remember it vividly.

You remember long car trips with pit stops that were more like sex stops along the side of the interstate in the back seat, hoping and praying to god that there weren’t cops around, because, let’s face it, no one wants to become a registered sex offender for having sex with a consenting adult in the back seat of a midsized sedan.

It was great; you both knew it was. So why not brush up on your language skills?

Warning: This only works if: 1) you’re both single and 2) there are no remaining hopes by either party of getting back together. So, be honest with yourself about the circumstances.

Pick up the phone, dial the number, and just lay it all out there. “Hey! How’ve you been? What are you up to Thursday night? I was thinking you could come over and we could do that thing again with the whipped cream. What do you say? Oh, and one more thing, we’re not getting back together.”

The last sentence there is really key. See, in order to get the name-screaming communication without the “Where is this going?” part, you have to be crystal clear on the front end of the bed romp.

No mixed messages. No secret desires that he’ll want you back or his nasty habits will suddenly disappear, making you want him back. Plain and simple ex sex.

The new relationship rapport

There’s really nothing like it: the first time you undress your new significant other. The first awkward tries and then, wait for it, the breakthrough to hot, sweaty, all-night sexual forays as you explore each other’s desires, limitations and lung capacity.

It’s the kind of new sex that makes lyricists write truly awful pop songs about young love, but when you experience it, you can forgive a little synthesizer and auto-tuning.

There’s a catch or two to this method, though. First, you have to date people. And, no, stalking your high school sweetheart on Facebook does not count. You have to actually take some initiative, whether it is flirting with a stranger or just asking him/her out.