If you happen to work for one of several quasi-autonomous nongovernmental organizations (known as “quangos”) in the British Isles, you could get blacklisted or blackballed for using terms such as “blacklisted” or “blackballed” in the workplace. That’s because dozens of taxpayer-funded organizations have ordered workers to abstain from using common terms and phrases that may offend some people.

For starters, the Northern Ireland Human Rights Commission has advised its staff to replace the phrase “black day” with “miserable day.” The memo points out that certain words carry a “hierarchical valuation of skin colour.” The folks at the commission even went so far as to recommend that employees be mindful of the term “ethnic minority” because it can imply “something smaller and less important.”

Meanwhile, Britain’s South West Regional Development Agency issued to its personnel this statement: “Terms such as ‘black sheep of the family,’ ‘black looks’ and ‘black mark’ have no direct link to skin colour but potentially serve to reinforce a negative view of all things black. Equally, certain terms imply a negative image of ‘black’ by reinforcing the positive aspects of white. For example, in the context of being above suspicion, the phrase ‘whiter than white’ is often used. Purer than pure or cleaner than clean are alternatives which do not infer that anything other than white should be regarded with suspicion.”

Although it doesn’t specifically mention color (or “colour,” in this case), the phrase “pure as the fresh-driven snow” could possibly fall in the same category as “whiter than white.” However, in some sectors of society on this side of the pond, being called “whiter than white” is actually an insult, thanks to innumerable comics on BET.

A few institutions have taken this linguistic racial hypersensitivity to an even more ridiculous level. The Learning and Skills Council says skills should be “perfected” instead of “mastered,” while Newcastle University has deemed the term “master bedroom” as problematic.

So people shouldn’t “master” skills? What about women who proudly declare that they “slave” over a hot stove? And what’s wrong with having a “master bedroom” as long as you don’t have “slave quarters”?

If these idiots had their way, a lonely, horny bloke would have to “perfectbate” in his “perfect bedroom.” Of course, if he were in “The Contest” episode of Seinfeld, he’d no longer be “the ‘perfect’ of his domain.”

If that wasn’t enough, the National Gallery in London cautioned that “gentlemen’s agreement” is potentially offensive to women and that the staff should replace the phrase with “unwritten agreement” or “an agreement based on trust.” The gallery also considers the term “right-hand man” to be sexist.

In other words, these dolts are trying to make the Queen’s English less gender-biased. Oh, the irony.