So apparently, I wasn’t clear when I said I would like reader suggestions for a title change for my column. “F It in the A” isn’t going to be the name, although I love the acronym FIITA. Also, you can’t title a column “****** **** ***** and Your Dog.” Keep working on it, though. It’s awe-inspiring to see the creativity of my readers. I learned a few new words and was reminded of classics I need to re-add to my repertoire of off-kilter profanities.

Some of you may not know this, but I am a computer nerd, so lots of times I use computer-nerd slang when talking about computers. Oftentimes, this can lead to confusion with the layperson.

The perfect example of this is a female friend of mine who was telling me about a problem with the hard drive on her computer. I told her to show me her box, and I would take care of the problem for her.

I thought it was a pretty straightforward conversation with a clear cause and effect. Apparently, though, she misunderstood and thought I wanted to see her PC.

I told that story so that I would seem manlier when I tell this one. I watch America’s Next Top Model. It doesn’t matter that I watch it because Tyra Banks is unintentionally the funniest person in the universe.

It started out simple enough: My girlfriend was a fan, so I would watch it with her. I could use her watching of it as an excuse to peek in and see what shenanigans Tyra was up to. But this past season, the girlfriend’s class schedule made it impossible for us to watch it together. (That’s right, I’m dating a schoolgirl…)

I felt I shouldn’t be watching it alone, but I couldn’t help myself. I was so happy that a plus-sized model made it all the way through and won; it can be a source of pride for us in the fat community for weeks to come.

While I won’t say I am proud to watch the show alone, it doesn’t make me less of a man. Project Runway, on the other hand…is a different discussion for a different day.

One of the reasons I didn’t finish college was the foreign language requirement. And marijuana, but let’s stick to one thing at a time. I took French in 8th grade for a high school credit, and then in 9th grade, I took my final foreign language requirement. Six years later, when I was ready for college, I knew nothing of the language I had cheated my way through so long before.

Since I had taken French in high school, they wouldn’t allow me to take beginners’ French; ultimately, it didn’t matter, because the beginners’ Spanish class I took lasted four minutes when English ceased to be spoken in the class. El Droppo’ed.

I don’t understand why we don’t have a broader foreign language department for such a major university. It seems you have French, Spanish, German, Italian, and Japanese. Where are the classes for those of us that don’t care about Europe or Asia?

I want to take Australian. I know the popular myth is to say “Throw another shrimp on the barby…” but it’s not true. They call shrimps “prawns”! What the hell is a prawn? I don’t know, because I wasn’t given a chance to learn.

Maybe I’d like to teach Canadian one day, but that’s not an option. Did you know there are over 1,000 uses of the word “Ay”? There are, but you won’t ever learn them, because the education system in this country is biased against the lazy and weak-minded. If it were easier to make a change, I’d do something about it.