My presidential candidate is the one who can get a referendum on the proper way to greet one another. Honestly, is there anything worse than going for a handshake and having the other person go for the fist bump? You get that awkward moment when you don’t know what to do. You both wait a moment to see if the other person will change, and since you are waiting for the same thing, you both switch to the opposite at the exact same second.

It’s like when a call gets disconnected and you each wait for a call back, then call back and get each other’s voicemail. We need a standard, or at the very least, some sort of reaction standard, when you both get there at the same time. At a four-way stop, the car to your right has the right of way; we need something like that.

I suggest youth choose, because they usually know the trendy way to do things. When in doubt, go with the latest fad … unless that fad involves a shake into a hug, or shug. The only good thing about the shug is that you can usually recognize it coming by the dope with his collar popped coming toward you. You can normally avoid this by staying away from fraternity houses and parties where people have glow sticks.

Seriously, if you feel the need to hug another man as you shake his hand, you might as well nuzzle his neck and nibble his earlobe. Maybe you shouldn’t question your lifestyle, but you might want to consider it.

I think we need some sort of greeting flowchart. While I am too lazy to do it myself, I have some suggestions. Handshakes should only exist in the business environment, and the first time you meet a woman’s father. The fist bump is the domain of the overly cool/too-hip-for-the-room crowd; however, it is also acceptable if you are a professional wrestling tag team, or if you and the other person share a catchphrase that each say half of and then follow up with the fist bump. Shug is never acceptable. NEVER.

My personal feeling is that the high five is the only truly acceptable form of greeting and celebrating accomplishment. It’s easy to identify and even easier to pull off. It’s like when a baseball player calls his shot. You are taking the initiative. You can even customize it to fit your and your friends’ particular needs. The variations are limitless. I suggest the “Around the World,” made popular in Top Gun. Another favorite is the old-school “Fresh Prince.” If you don’t know what it is, stick with the shug.

For those of you that don’t know the basics of the high five, here is where you start: Just throw your right arm up in the air with a slight angle (think half a diamond), where your hand is almost above your head, and while nodding your head slowly but fiercely, say “Up Top!” Everybody knows what you mean, and they know what to do.  More importantly, now they know how you roll, and they will respect you for it.