I don’t know about you, but I am always looking for something to ponder between the lather, rinse, and repeat. This time, I came up with one that men everywhere can use to judge themselves against the masses. It’s a real, feel-good, hypothetical situation for the New Year.

What percentage of the population could you beat up? Women, children, old people, military, cage fighters, football players, fry cooks … the entire population of the world, Thunderdome style: Two enter, one leaves.

I’d have to say at least 82% for myself.

Fifty percent of the world is women. Ladies, I will give you 1% just because I have watched enough “Girl Fight” videos on YouTube. So right off the bat, I am almost at .500.

Next, you have the very young (under 15) and the old (over 65). Originally, I said 60, but then I remembered Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge. If you are born or breathing, you count, even if it’s on a ventilator.

You know who can’t dodge a punch very well? Coma patients, that’s who. This should put me comfortably in the 70% range.

Finally, you get to the true tough guys of the world: military, police, inmates, football/hockey/UFC/NBA guys, and savages from the jungles. While I don’t have solid numbers, I’m guessing it will be about 10%, give or take. I will chalk those up as losses, not that I ever plan on getting that far. I will die of old age before I get to them.

I want to start with children and the infirm to pad my stats. Intimidation can be a big part of it; lots of people will be scared to go against a guy who is 940,000 and 1.

The rest of the population is just guys like me. I am betting I could at the very least split those. Sure, there is some sociopath who is 40 and still bagging groceries with nothing to lose, but for every one of those, there are five guys who sit in cubes and stare at statistics. They are mine.

It makes me feel good to be confident that I could kick the crap out of that much of the planet. Figure out your percentage: It is guaranteed to make you stand a little taller and feel a little prouder.

After I worked all that out, I came across another astounding fact: Insects make up about 90% of life on Earth! 90%! That means I could single-handedly destroy most of the life on Earth!

I may be the most dominant force on Earth. I could crush an ant and strangle a giraffe. You put a great white on the dock and he is mine, too, but that’s another story for another shower.

Happy New Year, everyone!