Have you ever wondered how many times you break the law? When I ask this question, I ask it of normal people. If you have dead hookers in your freezer, this probably won’t apply to you, since you already have a count.

Now, before I continue, I must ask that anyone in law enforcement please hold this up to a mirror and read the next line; if you’re not, kindly skip down:

.ekoj a tsuj s‘tI .emoh ym tuo ekats ro ecnerefnoc sserp deye-yraet a evah t‘nod esaelP

I have always thought of myself as a fairly law-abiding person, but after my little experiment, it turns out that I am a one-man crime spree, the likes of which the world has never seen. I kept track for a month, and I was amazed. It’s a good thing I quit smoking, or I might have been blamed for the wildfires.

I guess the easiest crime to commit was speeding. While I don’t have an actual total, it was at least once every time I was in a car … even if I wasn’t driving.

From there, we can roll into rolling stops: 16 times, I almost stopped, but didn’t. That’s just the rookie stuff.

Outright blown stop signs? 13. Didn’t pat the breaks, didn’t come off the gas, just gone.

If I’m willing to do it at a simple stop sign, why not kick up to the big leagues and go for red lights? Well, with the hours I work, this one is easier than expected, and a much larger number: 67.

I know it may seem like a lot, but when you really think about it, that is barely over two in a 24-hour period … just don’t think about it in terms of actual drive time of 45 minutes or so a day. I know you think it’s hard to believe I drive less than an hour a day, but look how much time I’m saving speeding and avoiding traffic “suggestions.”

I do believe in keeping Baton Rouge beautiful, but littering comes so naturally. I only did it three times, though, and twice it was near a garbage can, so my heart was in the right spot, and that should count for something.

It also turns out that littering has an ugly older brother called illegal dumping. I don’t see how it’s a crime, but apparently, it is … all 14 times I did it.

Here’s where it starts to get a little sketchy, and again, I need to encourage members of law enforcement, agents of the government, and busybodies to reread my disclaimer.

I may or may not, depending on your definition of “international smuggler,” be an international smuggler. I will just leave that there.

I think my personal favorite, though, was a perfect storm of crime. While speeding and without signaling, I made an illegal U-turn across four lanes of traffic (starting in the northbound far-right lane and ending in the southbound far-right lane) and spit my gum out the window halfway through it … at a red light.

Crime is bad; don’t commit it.

Now, as a public service announcement, I saw a commercial for happy meals the other day.

Happy meals now come with apples and low-fat milk … what’s happy about that? NOTHING. There isn’t one thing about it that is even remotely happy. That’s the real crime.

Happy meals are six-piece nuggets or a cheeseburger plus fries, a coke, and a toy. That’s something to get happy about. If your kid gets happy about apple slices and skim milk, he deserves to get punched in the stomach by other kids.