I’d like to start this month with a warning. I see a future horror, and I would like to try and head it off at the pass.

I ran into a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen for a while … I don’t want to embarrass him, so I will call him Owardhay Allhay. Let me first say that he is without a doubt one of the funniest, and most handsome, people I know; that being said, the horror I see in his future is going to be a plague, a pox on society.

It is the “black mullet,” more commonly known as the faux hawk, that sad Mohawk that you don’t fully commit to. I know it looks cool now, but one day, you will see old pictures, and you will feel the same shame and queasiness that white people feel when we see pictures of ourselves with mullets or their bastard stepchild, the rat tail.

I know the pain firsthand. I lost a good friend because he kept the mullet almost a full year after “Achy Breaky Heart.”

It’s even worse these days because of the internet and cell phones that can take pictures and upload them immediately. Once a picture is online, it is impossible to get rid of … just ask that girl that sent a pic to my phone and then later was mean to me.

Heed my warning! I do this out of love and friendship; haven’t crappy, trendy haircuts ruined enough memories?

I thought about issuing this warning to the goth kids about their hairstyles, too, but I’m not, because I want them to look back and realize how douchey they were.

What is the obsession with “white meat chicken?” I don’t get it.

Dark meat is the best. It’s amazingly delicious, and personally, I can’t get enough of it, but for some reason, society looks down on it.

Everything is billed as “ALL WHITE MEAT CHICKEN,” and it infuriates me. The best chicken nuggets were always the dark-meat ones.

Who cares if it is healthy? If I wanted healthy, I wouldn’t be ordering through a C.B. behind a menu screen.

Dammit, I want dark meat in my chicken noodle soup. Can’t they at least give us the option? Put “Fat People Preferred” or “Extra Tubby” on the label.

It’s OK; I understand I am overweight because I prefer delicious food to the crud they put in the alleged health foods. I could be skinny, but sausage is delicious. I get it.

Just don’t take dark meat away. It’s the only way I get to feel like I am doing something good.

It’s now been two and a half years since I quit smoking, but apparently, the look lingers with me. I have people ask me all the time for a smoke or a lighter. It’s not just strangers, either; even people who didn’t know me when I smoked assume I am a smoker.

One of my coworkers was shocked to learn I don’t smoke. I guess it’s just my bad-boy vibe, given off by my Old Navy polos and carpenter jeans … or maybe she just sees the gleam in my eye, reflecting the murderous rage just barely under the surface from a lack of nicotine. Either way, I’m still glad I quit.