I finally gave in and signed up for Vonage. I figured, with the ability to call anywhere in the world, I could finally bring back crank phone calls.

I’m fairly certain that lots of nations still see the telephone as some sort of witchcraft, so I didn’t think Caller ID would be an issue. It wasn’t, but as it turns out, when you call up and say: “Is your refrigerator running?” it isn’t nearly as funny when they don’t know what a refrigerator is.

It did become funny when I explained that a refrigerator was a place to hold my leftover food for a few days until the trash was picked up and I could throw away more.

In retrospect, maybe it wasn’t that funny, but I doubt they could understand me anyway, and it made me smile on the inside, and isn’t that what life is all about?

We are in the thick of hunting season, or at least that is what my friends who hunt tell me.

Personally, I don’t own a gun. It’s not that I am anti-gun; it’s that if I had a gun, I would probably use it … in traffic or the grocery store. I know myself well enough to know that, if I had a gun with me, I probably wouldn’t even roll down the window; I would just shoot through my own front windshield.

In theory, I would make a great hunter. I am up very early in the morning. I love cold weather. I read lots of books, so sitting quietly is nothing new for me.

The real problem I have with hunting is sitting there for hours with nothing going on. Honestly, by the end of the third hour, I would probably put that gun in my mouth. If I’m sitting there staring at a pile of deer dung for that long, something has to die.

While I’m on the subject of pastimes enjoyed particularly by white trash … I passed a carnival in a parking lot the other day.

I’m not sure what possesses people to think that starting a carnival in an old grocery store parking lot is a good idea, but it has to be the same sort of mentality that makes people think that said carnival would be safe or fun.

Let me just give you folks some advice: 

1. •Go to Walmart. You can buy lots of different styles of T-shirts with wolves or lightning, or wolves and lightning, for a lot less than you will spend at the games. However, if you need the wolves and lightning on an 8x8 mirror, then yes, the carnival is the place for you.
   

2. •Don’t buy the funnel cake. I’m not positive, but from the looks of the guy selling it, hepatitis is probably an ingredient. Go to a 24-hour diner instead: The people look just as bad, but usually, the diseases aren’t communicable.
   

3. •That Tilt-O-Whirl … it’s going to kill again.
   

Who am I kidding; I got a funnel cake.