Before I get into the topic of being a new homeowner, I must say, who would have thought that David Carradine would have been the big winner of the 2009 Celebrity Death Jackpot?

I would have bet that a 72-year-old man who asphyxiated while “pleasuring” himself in a closet in Thailand would be the most talked-about death of the month, yet he isn’t even a blip on the radar. He doesn’t even rate being in the Top 5 anymore.

They must have been really starved for talent in the afterlife, but now they are loaded for the fall lineup, and they will even get infomercials.

Recently, I finally closed on my first home. I fully expected the world to end as I was on my way to the closing. Actually, Jeremy White sent me a message saying he saw Four Horsemen coming down I-10 … turned out to just be Ric Flair and Arn Anderson going to the coast to do some gambling.

It does appear, however, that the universe wasn’t happy about this turn of events, as we had the hottest week in recorded history at the same time.

I do have a question, though, for all you homeowners: When does the money-saving start?

Everyone told me how much money I was going to save when I got a house. I must be doing it wrong, because I can’t even drive by a Wal-Mart or Lowe’s without dropping at least a hundred.

I figured that, since I had helped all my friends move at least twice, I would be sitting back on a lounge chair while they moved all my stuff. Unfortunately, I didn’t consider that I would be moving on a Tuesday morning. Apparently, people have jobs. Luckily for me, I only had one room to move, so it was one trip in a Geo Metro.

I am still debating on whether or not I should get a riding lawnmower. The yard is just small enough that I can push-mow it, but it’s just big enough to make me curse and wish I had a riding mower every time I cut it.

The biggest drawback is that I don’t want to be 31 and already having to sit down to cut my grass. I don’t want to be that lazy this early, although, if the temperatures stay where they currently are, I will build a remote-control mower and cut grass while I’m under the air conditioner with two fans blowing on me.

I will give another update next month, but so far, everything is good, except all the furniture hasn’t been delivered, the refrigerator is still on order, and there has been a debacle with my hot water heater, which, if it isn’t remedied soon, will result in next month’s article being a trashing of the plumbing company.

Now that I am good and furious, let me bring up something else that drives me insane. I may have mentioned it before, but I have seen it more and more lately, and I think people are doing it to taunt me: couples sitting on the same side of the booth in restaurants.

Seriously? What the hell is wrong with you? Sit across from each other like normal people! You wouldn’t sit like that at your dining room table; don’t do it in public. It is embarrassing to the human race.