I have written and rewritten this article several times this month. Every time I think I am done, something comes along that drags me back.

The topic this month started out as a follow-up to my article on “What Percentage of the Population Could You Beat Up?” I wanted to tackle who my first five opponents would be. You want them to be high-profile, but essentially easy. I was going to start with Michael Jackson, but somebody beat me to it.

I did discover something interesting in my research of that list: It turns out “LeDuff” is French for “The Tears”; who would have guessed that?!?!

Anyway, slowly, my list morphed into a list of “The Most Annoying People.” That is where we now begin.

The people that annoy me the most are a varied group of dopes from all walks of life. The current group that infuriates me more than the rest is reaching its high point right now. It’s people who wear dust masks and soundproof headphones to cut grass.

Really? You reallllllly need a dust mask and ear protection? No wonder the world hates us. We might be the most powerful nation, but we have the most candy-ass people.

Your grandfather would slap the taste out of your mouth if he saw that. Frankly, I have considered doing it several times. Honestly, what judge in his right mind would convict someone for standing up for men everywhere?

It really is a disgrace. If you are that sensitive, stay inside and wash the dishes and laundry while your woman does the yard work.

While I am on the topic of yard work, it brings me to the second group of people that should be bludgeoned: jerks that blow their grass clippings into the street, especially while cars are coming. (That is actually the number one cause of assaults on streets I am driving on with my windows down.)

They just blow it into the street like the Grass Fairy will come and magically whisk it away for them. All that crap blows into other people’s yards!

Personally, I get out my blower and, for lack of a better term, have a “blow off” in the street. I will start blowing it right back into their yard and all over them like a coach kicking dirt onto an umpire, and if that doesn’t work, they might end up at the hospital getting a blowerectomy.

This seems like it might become an ongoing series in my articles; maybe an anthology … or maybe I will forget next month and go in a completely different direction, but since I seem to run into at least 27 people every day that I’d like to choke, it will probably be back.

Also, before I go this month, I’d like to pass along a little advice. If you think you have friends, call them up and tell them you busted a sewer pipe. Some will show, but most will bail out faster than the current administration.

If it happens during our summer monsoon season, you will be in your yard alone with a shovel, feeling like you are living out The Shawshank Redemption … not the end, but the scene in the laundry room.