I’ve noticed a new phenomenon in advertising designed to entice the stupid into willingly getting swindled. I’m not sure what the product is; it’s either a way to refinance your house with a credit card at a modest 36% interest rate, or it’s a way for you to own your own crack house in the slum of your choice for no money down and payments as low as $63.40 a month.

The gimmick is to make the rubes think they are getting an edge. The announcer says: “People with last names starting with A-N, call today; all others, call tomorrow.”

First of all, my record of consecutive days that I have seen or heard this commercial is 27. When do the O-Z people get their turn? I will tell you when: whenever they want.

Somewhere, some fella is sitting in a trailer, cursing his luck of having the last name Samuelson, when suddenly, a very dim light bulb goes off in his head. He decides to call in anyway.

This is where the scam artist … I mean, operator checks her calendar and tells him he should be calling tomorrow, but she does him the favor of letting him in a little early.

Personally, I think if you even call this number, somebody should be dispatched to your house to beat you with a shovel.

Another favorite is the “Only 600 callers per day …” Yeah, that sounds legitimate.

“Sorry, sir, we can’t take your money; you are caller 602.” Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

One of my favorite shows of the late 80s–early 90s is making a strong comeback: Unsolved Mysteries. When I saw Spike was bringing it back, I got very excited.

At first, I loved it, because I thought hicks were still sporting beehive hairdos, mullets, and neon sweaters. Boy, was I disappointed when I realized that they weren’t new episodes; they were just old episodes with new voiceovers by Dennis Farina.

Did mysteries stop happening? Was the Dutchman Mine found? Did rest area crime disappear? I think not.

But now, we get Farina standing in what appears to be a 1972 NASA control room, allegedly getting tips on crimes that are 20 or more years old.

If nobody came forward when everyone in America was watching, what makes you think somebody waiting for Horsepower has some insight? 

I guess some of the mysteries that they covered aren’t needed, like reuniting people from Vietnam or finding the guy that stopped at the wreck and drove off. Now, the internet can be used for that … and porn.

I guess they don’t really need to cover new Big Foot stories or alien abduction anymore, either, since those stories never really change, not even with technology.

Right now, most everyone has a phone that shoots picture and video, a 10 megapixel camera that records video, or a mini video recorder that records in 1080p and can upload directly to the web, yet for some reason, every picture of Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster, a UFO, or any other monster always looks like a still shot from the Zapruder film. Everything is HD until a monster shows up.

Personally, I think they should use the techniques used in Avatar to reanimate Robert Stack and bring Unsolved back to its glory days.